An Ending.

Thus endeth July. It has been record setting month for my blog. I have had almost a 100 more visitors this month than I've ever had before. I have put up more posts than ever before although I'm not sure if I have had more to say. It also marks the end of my academic year. This is my 5th, I find that hard to believe. When I moved I was hanging on to last vestiges of my 30s. I am now middle aged, have less hair and it is greying and I'm approaching my first birthday without my mum. It has been a most peculiar year.

For some I have changed their lives. Those who thought they would never get better until they met me. Sometimes at my best I have that power. Equally though there are those who met who walked away firmly believing I am full of shit. Fortunately the former usually outnumber the latter.

The price of cherries is rapidly rising and the oh so short lives of the beautiful dragonflies will soon be over. Are we going headlong towards autumn?

Today was a day of endings and moving on. I had a very nice lunch with a friend. I even loosened the shackles on my austerity measures and got £280 worth of clothes for £45-can anyone justify a rrp of £230 for a rugby shirt? I got a bargain for £25. I didn't cook today as I'm going away in a few days. I resorted to sausage and chips from the chip shop-why are their portions of chips so large? I then got my fix of Rick Stein eating octopus in Galicia. I have never been to Galicia but have eaten octopus many times. I used to frequent a small tapas restaurant in Canterbury where I used to drink cruzcampo beer and eat baby octopus. I took my friend Tom there once but he couldn't even look at the octopus let alone eat it.

Tomorrow I get down to sorting my stats for the year. On Thursday I am travelling to London to meet an old school friend I have not seen in 30 years. His life too has been blighted by mental illness so I guess we have a lot in common. Then on Friday I go to Kent to see my dad and go to 2 parties. Not something I do often now but if any of you get to read the new book when it comes out you will realise I was once a party animal.

What will next year bring? I don't know. In a month no doubt I will know the answer to whether I stay or go-I'm still waiting on the pay dispute. If I stay no doubt I will meet interesting people. And for some of those I will change their lives. So life goes on one way or another.

I Heard a Voice.

To Friends in the USA.

Hi all, a particular greeting today to my friends from across the water. I'm not sure why but there has been a huge upswing in views from the USA in the last couple of days. Welcome.

As you will have seen on here I wrote a book that came out last year. It is available in the US if any of you are interested:

http://www.amazon.com/A-Pillar-Impotence-Mark-Edgar/dp/1849913951/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343641866&sr=8-1&keywords=A+Pillar+of+impotence

You may also have noticed my passion for a American football. I'm avidly mointoring the web for news of training camps and cannot believe that my beloved St Louis Rams can possibly be as bad as they were last year!

I Heard a Voice.

Another Step Forward.

It's another Sunday. I roasted a chicken and had a guest round for lunch. I do like cooking for others but sadly my small flat is hard to accommodate any more than one other person. It came out very well and we enjoyed a nice and reasonably priced Spanish white. I'm not normally a fan of white wine but I couldn't really have red wine with chicken-that would be too uncouth. Tonight it is leftovers.

Yet the main news today came away from the kitchen. I finally got a text from my friend Katherine to say that she has made it through proofing my book. Just a few adjustments to make then it will come back to me. E mail can be very useful sometimes.

After I have changed things following her suggestions it will go to another reader. He is a colleague at the university and thinks he can do it in 2 weeks at this quiet time of the year. I'm really hoping to submit it for publication before the end of the summer. Then it is down to the publisher.

And to the rest of the day? Avoid the showers and try to find something other than the Olympics to watch. Perhaps I will look at recent recordings.

I Heard a Voice.

The Waiting Room.

Well another week over. What a way to end it with such spectacular opening to the London Olympics! My friends Isobel and Hugh were there and I know a few people who went to the technical rehearsal. From what they all said TV got nowhere near capturing the full glory. And so today to competition.

Today's the morning after. I slept well-only one night time wake up-and am now contemplating my cooking extravaganza later. I will be doing a slow roast lamb shoulder from Extramadura in Spain, La Caldereta. Flavoured with thyme, bay, fennel, rosemary, garlic and wine it looks like a winner. Then tomorrow I will roast a corn fed free range chicken.

Some of you are no doubt wondering if the jury of 2 weeks ago has delivered its verdict. Sadly the answer is no. I do know there has been some movement and the Deputy Head of HR and the Registrar have to meet again. What I don't know is if that is good or bad. We will see.

Mood is good today, the sun is out and I'm looking forward to quiet peaceful weekend. Hope everyone else is too.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Katherine has nearly finished proofing "Charon's Ferry", we are getting closer to submission.

The Cycle of Life.

It has been a glorious day today in Hertfordshire. Several times during breaks today I sat by the lake next to my office. It is perfectly clear at this time of year and ostensibly still. But looking closer there were scores of small ripples on the surface as the sun glinted off the water. It was alive with dragonflies. That is one of my favourite sights of the summer. Yet it is but a short time before they go.

Today made me think about the cycle of life. That of the dragonfly must be short being that I see them for barely a few weeks when the sun is at its most glorious in July. That along with the cherries. Dragonflies like all living organisms are designed to do only two things: to survive and to reproduce. That is all they are there for.

So why this comment on a blog devoted to madness? The link of course survival. We do not know why the mental ill have such high suicide rates. Some might say 20%. Yet isn't that the ultimate madness? We are designed to survive yet some choose not to. I know all about that and it is one of my greatest strengths as practitioner. I know because I was there.

When I worked for CMHT they kept banging on about boundaries and what was appropriate. What bullshit. When the shit hit the fan and people were wanting to die they called me in. I guess I had a purpose for them. I did of course blog in March on the tragic loss of one of my students. It goes with the territory however good we are at what we do.

But back to the summer. So nice that it has arrived in time for the Olympics. Let's hope it stays.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Just talked to my dad, he seems to think it is an excellent idea to have goose at Christmas!

A Different Sunday.

Regular readers will recall that most Sundays I have a quiet day listening to Mozart, Handel, or Haydn and reading. But today has been different.

As it is the cricket season I would normally have the test match on in the background and read. But after England's disastrous performance yesterday I fancied a change. So was the my flat rang out to the voices and words of David Bowie, Bob Marley, and Nina Simone. Music having just finished, dare I look at the cricket?

It is nearly time for tea as my shoulder of pork slow roasts in the oven emitting a wonderful smell that can only be Sunday. I think I must call my dad later, not spoken for a while. Tomorrow I go back to quietness of my summer work. I have a leaving lunch to go to but that is about it. Then on Tuesday more goodbyes to students. Sometimes the summer is so hard in that respect.

I Heard a Voice.

Living With Uncertainty.

Yesterday I was talking to one of my bipolar students. His tutor tells me he is a once in a generation student. I am well aware of his brilliance. However, bipolar has cost him almost all of this year. He is talking of walking away. But that would let bipolar win. Can we ever let our illnesses win?

Well I did for years. I'm much more in control now but there is forever that fear. The fear it will come back. I tcomes of all of us with a mood disorder. Him and me. I think by the end I had talked him out of leaving.

But what of me? It has been a week of erratic mood swings. Days where for no reason I feel low. Days of no energy and others of being fine. It is hard to live with uncertainty. That is my life though, forever living with a brain that cannot control my mood properly.

I feel somewhat better today and less tired. I slept okay for nearly 10 hours with a couple of dream interruptions-nothing bad though. Not done much beside watch the cricket; that is not going well. I have just made a cottage pie to put in the oven later and will return to that old staple of mine slow roast shoulder of pork tomorrow. Even bought some fennel to roast with it. If you have never tried fennel with pork give it a go, it is wonderful.

Now I think it is time for Darjeeling tea.

I Heard a Voice.

PS This is post number 150-can't believe I have had that much to say in the last couple of years!