Summer has Finally Arrived.

After months of cold, wet and grey skies summer is finally here! At last! My uncertain mental state has not been helped by the cold.

You find me on a quiet Sunday morning listening to Handel's Julius Caesar and drinking iced water. Last week I had an awful cold but feeling much better now.

Despite feeling terrible I triumphed at work, lit up a huge room of some 80 teachers in a really high performing school with my workshop on self harm. I helped some young people. And got involved in getting experts by experience into roles in the Trust. 

As for my last post I did not walk away. I got pragmatic by adopting the difficult stance of just accepting the contact I have as a bonus and just work through the silence in between. 

Last weekend I had a visitor and we had a lovely time. Even walked through the woods to The Waggoners. The roast beef was sublime. 

Got a few plans in place for the next 6 weeks or so. Hope to see dad in Kent at the end of the month. My long awaited return to Cambridge is coming up in early July. Going to stay with Jayne and attend a reunion at King's. Then at the end of July I'm going to Beth's wedding in Kent. Must get my linen suit cleaned for that.

With I'll leave you from a position of relatively good mental health and the thought that I will cook roast turkey later.

I Heard a Voice. 

Walking Away.

On a sunny but cold and windy Bank Holiday Monday I'm not really in a very good place. Not much has gone right this weekend. I slept poorly until today, I had to abandon my plan to go to London because the train was packed and no one could get on. A friend cancelled yesterday. And all my friends were so drunk and absorbed in their own stuff that they ignored me. 

In many ways I like living on my own. But today I feel very alone and isolated. Funny how everyone reaches out to me when they are struggling but hardly anyone picks up when I'm struggling. 

Sometimes I think I should walk away from people who don't reciprocate. But I've never been able to say no.

Please people who are important pick up once in a while rather than just reaching out because you want something. 

That said I'm listening to Mozart's Great Mass, I have a glass of wine and I hope to cook a lovely dinner in a bit.

Just got to get through minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.

Let's hope tomorrow's plans don't fall through as well. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Weekend Interrupted.

The sun is shining on this Sunday morning. The air is mild and Mozart opera aside there is silence. 

I've had a long weekend with a friend visiting. Sadly it was interrupted by her being unwell. What appeared to be a hangover has now morphed in what seems like a sickness bug. She stayed in bed for 15 hours and looked pale and tired when she emerged 20 minutes ago. 

She's now headed home. Shame as we were both looking forward to sharing roast pheasant for Sunday lunch. 

Back to solitude I'll left wondering why I haven't been sleeping well. The bad dreams that plagued my life before I gave up smoking 9 years ago today. 

Life marches on though. Suspect I will need to stay away from the office having been exposed to a sickness bug. It is mainly going better but still have moments of extreme anxiety. 

For all the challenges of the last few months I have not had to increase my medication. Just try to ride the wave and let it pass. 

Enjoy your Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

I Was Glad!

I was glad! Glad when they said unto me. The opening of Parry's glorious Coronation Anthem exploded round the vault of Westminster Abbey as King Charles III entered the building. And I got to hear the Vivat section reserved only for the Coronation. Actually I have sung it and sung in the Abbey. 

What fabulous music punctuating an extremely long service. Zadok the Priest is glorious but tinged with memories of psychosis in another grand cathedral in 1996. Yes mental illness at its worst.

The event has divided people in these troubled time but it is and was part our history. 

Pouring rain did not drive away the crowds just as it didn't in 1953 when Queen Elizabeth II was crowned. My mum was in that crowd. 

Now it's over I'm struggling to know what to do with myself. I did do some food shopping but little else today.

As the rain continues to hammer down I think I will just stay home for the time being. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Coffee and Carmen.

After weeks of grey, dark and wet light and sun have returned to my world. Always good to see the sun.

When I was last on here I was low and lonely. Today I'm tired but good. Mood behaving and little sign of the anxiety that haunts so much of my life.

On this Sunday morning I'm listening to Carmen with a cup of coffee. My usual Sunday that I've followed for years. The difference is I no longer buy a Sunday Times. No particular reason. 

We have mental health awareness week coming up and we are in demand with our schools. I'm actually doing so much better in my work now I'm able to do what I'm good at. People. I will never understand IT but I will always understand people. 

It's a long weekend here, May Day holiday tomorrow. And next week too to celebrate the King's Coronation. My mum was actually in the crowd when the Queen was crowned in 1953.

In my small world though things are less grand and regal. I will listen to my opera and then cooking slow roast shoulder of lamb. My neighbour Zoe is coming for dinner. 

I Heard a Voice. 

On Loneliness.

Ever get those days when it feels the world isn't listening, isn't thinking and isn't caring? I've lived alone for the best part of 20 years. Mainly it's good once one gets used to one's own company. I don't have to worry about other, I can come and go as I please, eat what like and generally not worrying. But today my world feels a lonely place.

I've been off all week but few have been in touch, few have answered my calls or post and I'm left wondering who is out there?

I have many friends but they are busy. Wrapped up in their ongoing lives. People don't contact me unless I precipitate it. It takes 48 hours of silence before people notice I'm struggling. I wonder if anyone will reach out today. 

Low mood and the associated apathy are horrible. Okay I have made a career out of it but on this lonely and grey day I don't care about career, platitudes and smiling. I just want my mood to lift.

I will of course emerge sooner or later but living in the here and now of today feels lonely and bleak.

Not sure what or where I'm going with this. Just a shout out to a silent world I suppose. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Music and Reading.

Greetings! The sun has finally arrived after a grey wet day. I'm at home having a glass of wine, listening to Radio 3 and reading.

Yes I have made it to mu Easter holidays. No work until the 17th.

Hard to describe the last two weeks. I experienced five days of mania followed by a 24 hour mental crash on Sunday. Iy all felt like I needed to hit the Risperidone brakes, didn't but then felt like I had. The devastating emptiness was horrendous. 

I did make it out of bed, I did force myself to work and I got a lot done.

Yesterday brought an all day course on Body Image in girls and young women. All very interesting but very vulnerable as the only man undertaking the course with fifteen woman. Not easy.

Today I got up late, did my Easter food shopping, took some jumpers for cleaning then had lunch at The Waggoners. Stunning meal of salt cured mackerel followed by grilled chicken. Best meal I've eaten there in a long time. 

Tomorrow I'm cooking for my friend Jo. Saturday I'm off to Borough Market. Then on Sunday I will host a big Easter lunch, English fizz, crab and apple salad followed by roast leg of lamb seasoned with salt, garlic and rosemary and served with home made mint sauce. 

Maybe post again but until then after a tumultuous year I'm in a good place. 

I Heard a Voice.