New Growth and a Sedate Week.

The sky had clouded over when I went out for my walk this afternoon. The sun was glorious this morning but not too disappointed. So good to see all this new growth in spring. I kind of like all four seasons in different ways. Our clocks go forward tonight. I usually find losing an hour's sleep and having to adjust a bit of a struggle but I'm sure I will be fine by mid week.

When last I spoke to you all I was on leave. It was dad's birthday. He did have a good time and we had a nice video call in the evening. As ever the week went too quickly but I am feeling refreshed. The week back at work was not always easy, it was busy and there was a fraught meeting yesterday. But I thrived. Once again my adage that speaking to people is far more effective than writing to them was proved right.

Now on a Saturday afternoon I'm listening to Handel, the washing has just finished and the world is my oyster. Well in a socially distanced way I suppose. I have been to the Farm Shop at Smallford today. Visited Gareth's butcher yesterday so a culinary adventure will once again feature highly in my life. I'm thinking of doing a chorizo and chickpea stew tonight. A staple of mine it is so simple but so delicious. Tomorrow there will be roast topside of beef, freshly grated horseradish and hopefully Yorkshire pudding.

Sadly for the second year in a row I'm having to forgo my friends coming for Easter Sunday lunch next week. But I will still indulge. With the Thursday before and Tuesday after Easter booked off it will be a six day weekend. And roast duck will adorn my metaphorical table as all the Christians in the world celebrate the holiest day in their calendar.

Dad of course wants to go to all the Easter services. A laudable mission but I hope he doesn't overdo it as he sometimes does.

Whatever you are doing this weekend enjoy yourselves. I certainly intend to. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice. 

Happy Birthday Dad!

I'm back after a bit of a break. Had some IT issues to deal with but service is restored now although my Facebook remains sluggish and un-co-operative. Hopefully that will right itself in time. It does feel good to be back. The sun is shining finally on an indifferent week. I'm on holiday but the rain filled and bleak days have not been conducive to outside life. And with little to do I have been a bit stuck. My focus on sleeping has not worked well, back in those awful dream states. At least though I don't have to set an alarm.

When I last wrote on here my mood was far too elevated. It was wonderful but didn't lead to good outcomes. The crash hasn't come and I'm in that dull middle zone of nothing now. That is a safer place to be for the most part. Will it stay there? God I want it to go up a little but not too much. The joys of a mood disorder. I'm seeing my consultant in two weeks so we will see what he has to say.

I learned last week that sadly my therapy is coming to an end. He is retiring. I had expected that at some point but the news still jolted me somewhat. He has helped me a lot and straightened a few things out in my mind. The next question is how do I manage the transition to being without. Given I went 20 years without therapy and mainly thrived I'm sure I will be fine.

Being at home I have decided to indulge in double opera day. So The Barber of Seville now and possibly some Mozart tonight. In truth there is little else to do. But I can get ahead on my reading and just enjoy not being up against it at work.

Finally today a very happy birthday to my dad! Hope you have a fabulous day dad and with luck speak later.

Take care out there. It seems to me as if my world has become a little lighter after the enduring darkness that has been the last year. Less than a month and my wild crazy hair will have been tamed. I will be able to sit in the pub garden with my friends. Then not long later I will finally be able to have visitors. 

I Heard a Voice.

Soaring Folly.

Hello on this beautiful and sunny spring day. Spring has definitely arrived although there was still a chill when I went out for the paper this morning. So what to say on this glorious day? So much has happened in the last 2 weeks.

My mood has been soaring at times. And as so often happens I had a lot of fun but didn't make the best decisions. If and when the crash comes it could be bad. But crash hasn't happened. Today I'm calmer and more measured. The curious thing is I am still struggling for motivation to get up and do anything and the exact opposite of manic, chronic anxiety, has come too. Strange bedfellows.

I woke quite anxious today, dreams of mum tend to bring that out in me. As we approach the 9th anniversary of her death at the end of this month she no longer haunts my dreams as she did for so long. Well at least not as frequently as she once did. But today she came back and as in life I was powerless to help her.

Yet it passed and I'm feeling stable now. I did the washing, some cleaning and the recycling despite the sheer effort it took. I have clean sheets. I went for a walk. I've had no wine so far today. And rare roast rib of beef is on tonight's menu. Looking forward to that.

Yesterday I had my first vaccination. All went smoothly, I didn't feel a thing. And thus far no ill effects. Sarah was not so lucky. She is feeling rotten today so I wish her well.

After what seems an eternity I have booked a week off to have a rest. Okay so there is nothing to do and nowhere to go. But I need a break. Dad turns 84 that week so hope to do a video chat with him. He is fine as are Miriam and Nigel. In these troubled times that is the best we can hope for. After yesterday though I feel a little safer although I don't want to return to campus until the vaccine has had a couple of weeks to build some immunity up in me.

With that I will leave you and return to Cosi fan Tutti and just relax before cooking. Have a good week everyone.

I Heard a Voice.

Sunlit Walk in the Woods.

Hail and salutations on this beautiful day. It is still February so not as warm as it looks but it has been glorious. You find me on this Sunday afternoon listening to Puccini and just being. In truth it has a been a tumultuous couple of weeks since I was on here but today I feel good.

This was not the case to start the weekend. Going 24 hours without nicotine unexpectedly was brutal. It once again proved my distrust on things on line when my vape broke and the back up simply did not work. I can ask in a shop, I can't on line. Add in the stress of going to an unknown place for my vaccination then finding I had made an error in the booking and being turned away is it any wonder I was climbing the walls? Further added to that was a very intense work fortnight, mood teetering and touching mania and an utter inability to get out of bed it has been a difficult time.

Sitting here today though that all seems behind me. Well at least until I switch on my laptop in the morning. Taking advantage earlier on of the sunshine and less wet conditions I had a marvellous walk in the woods. The first time I have done the route Sarah showed me since the autumn. It was wonderful.

The day will continue in a sublime way with roast breast of turkey seasoned with thyme and sage then wrapped in bacon, roast potatoes, carrots, runner beans and purple sprouting broccoli and a bottle of Chardonnay. Perhaps a third opera of the day and hopefully a video call to dad.

With all that going on it seemed only sensible to heed the urging of my colleagues and take some time off. So the week of dad's birthday I will sleep late, be cultured and generally recuperate. Spring is here and we now seem to have some light at the end of the dark tunnel I have been in since effectively being locked down in November. I will get my first jab next week. I will enjoy the lighter days. I will continue to be civilised. And before too long I will see my friends once again.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.

Shadowy Dreaming.

Today I do not feel well. Actually things have not been right since the holidays. Recurrent stomach problems that I thought I had beaten returned today. Add in a sore throat and shakiness it seemed only sensible not to work today.

As so often happens when not well the shadowy dark dreams returned and all my fears and anxieties haunted me as I lay half asleep and shivering in bed this morning.

Funnily enough I had long chat with my friend Nikki last night which started with her relaying a dream she had of the two of us. It always disturbs me when people say they dream of me. I simply don't think I am important enough. We talked a lot about mental illness. Long diagnosed as having bipolar the illness has cost her a great deal. I think we both know that had we not met a darker outcome might have ensued. But we're both still standing even if I'm a little lame at the moment.

I always feel drained when illness strikes and the dreams come back. I did force myself to eat lunch but I can't be bothered to make batter for pancake today. Tomorrow will be Ash Wednesday and I will listen to our 1983 recording of Allegri's Miserere. 

Hopefully I will feel better then. Have too much to do to be laid up at home. For the rest of today though I doubt I'll venture far from the sofa and just try to work my way through things.

I Heard a Voice. 

Taking the Punches.

Sometimes the blows come from an unexpected place. On the Sunday after an at times difficult week I'm no longer reeling but I am anxious for the morrow.

My world can be pretty brutal on both sides of the fence. That I was so angry in my 20s and made life a misery for those trying to treat me is a source of regret and shame now. I would not have wanted to treat me back then.

Since then I have tried to bridge the gap between them and us. We can all feel pretty battered and bruised. The hardest part though is when the blows come from such an unexpected source. I always think I can work my students out pretty quickly but apparently on Thursday I was wrong. Time will tell the fall out but it didn't make me feel very good about myself or secure.

In fact much of the week was a challenge. Waking after troubled post Super Bowl broken sleep the long feared mental wall crashed into me. I'm proud how well I have done given that I'm effectively be shut off by the world for more than two months. It couldn't last forever though. Monday was brutal but I got through. On Tuesday I worked and then moved through the bruising week.

Come the weekend though I'm doing pretty well. It's still cold and bitter winds sweep across my world. It didn't stop me going for a walk in the woods yesterday. Finally invested in some Wellington boots to make it into the woods in winter.

I celebrated Chinese New Year on Friday with some rather good stir fried beef with broccoli in oyster sauce. Then I turned my skills to the waning game season. The pan fried medallions of venison were sublime in their port and blackberry sauce. This weekend I have really triumphed in the kitchen. Just got to nail the roast leg of lamb tonight now.

Whatever tomorrow brings you or me please take care. We will get there once day.

I Heard a Voice. 

Flecked With Snow.

Winter is definitely upon us this Sunday. Bitter cold, an icy wind and I came back from my walk flecked with snow. It was only a brief walk and I stopped off to say hello to my friend Jo from the end of her garden. With pestilence still stalking the land it feels far more frightening now than it did in the spring. I think Jo is just the sixth person I've seen since the holidays.

Despite the cold I'm not down hearted. I have The Marriage of Figaro playing, shoulder of pork in the oven and am getting ready for the Super Bowl tonight. You may all recall my normal routine on Super Bowl weekend is to visit Miriam and Nigel. But this year it is not to be. I'm just praying that Tom Brady doesn't win yet again.

Funny to think that three years ago on Monday I got the fateful text from my then landlord that I had to move. Along with dad being so ill at the time, those were truly dark days for me. However, now I'm in a much nicer flat, I get looked after by the agent, I have a consultant psychiatrist and a therapist. So over all I'm doing much better than then.

What the rest of February looks like is anyone's guess. I'm hoping to have had my first vaccine by spring. That is if the university doesn't push for it earlier. With each passing week I know more and more people who have had it. Many things have gone wrong in my country since the first lock down but it seems the vaccination programme is a huge success.

In the meantime I continue on in my cautious way. No friends, no pubs, no dinners, no restaurants. I miss all of that. One day though I will return to those fun times. Just not yet.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.