Get Up, Stand Up and Speak Out!

I vividly recall the day I first stood up in public and talked about my mental health. Whilst I say vivid, the event was but I'm hazy on when it actually took place. It was long before people spoke out. Time to Change hadn't even been thought about. It was the days when us and them was even more overwhelming than it is today. Us and them, them and us? Am I not both?

At a conference in Nottingham on Mental Health and Education my former tutor from South Kent College and present or soon to be boss wheeled me out in triumph. The reason I say present or soon to be is that part of me thinks it was World Mental Health Day 2000 when I was unemployed but more likely it was the spring of 2001 when I worked for Ian as a part time LSA. All I know is I stood up, told my story, and blew them all away. They were stunned and I was mobbed. Had anyone heard a real story before? Told without notes and with utter passion and conviction.

Both of those dates were prior to Risperidone. I was trying to escape to see my friend Jody who lived and still does in Nottingham.

That moment gave me power. The power to transfix as I had done in my singing days. The ability to bring tears of joy and tears of sadness at the same time. Speaking out gave me back control.

All these years later with 2 books, a career, a voice, 5 years of this blog, reviews, lectures, admiration in some quarters and criticism in others on this day the world talks about their mental health.

On campus we spoke on Time to Change #timetotalk day. And it was a triumph. Usually people don't engage. We spoke to a couple of 100. 46 students and staff shared on cards how they maintain their mental health. Twitter was aflame and we triumphed. What a far cry from the day in the early 1990s when I overcame my paranoia, fear, anxiety and depression to attend part of a conference in London. On that day I met and spoke to a commissioner. It was the first time she had ever spoken to a nutter like me.

I hope in a small way for all those who criticise me for being unprofessional what I have done to speak out in the last 15 years has done some good. Thank you all for listening.

I Heard a Voice.

Earth's Proud Empires.

I take no pleasure in other people losing out. I don't take much pleasure in being right when people miss out. I am simply a man with no power. During my studies I proposed a suitable way forward. It was theoretical but potentially real. It was held with such regard by some that it was short-listed for a University Award. Now 18 months down the line more and more of that plan is coming true. Sadly not the bit that advantages me.

The world has long seen empires. And as some fade and others rise the latter sometimes erase the former. That is what happened today. Not to me but to others. I never seem to have been very important in anyone's empire. My battles 4 years ago to advance my cause came to nothing. Simply didn't have the backing. Now another empire rises and who knows what that means for me. But I still don't feel important.

Today has made me tired. I discovered in my lack of energy that contrary to what mum and I always agreed on during our life today lamb can taste good when it's cold. A lamb salad was all I could muster but it was pleasant. My palate continues to change.

The question now is can I summon up the energy to make a curry for tomorrow? The chicken will be over it's sell by date on Thursday. There is no guarantee that tomorrow I will have more energy than I do now. So time to decide, to cook or not to cook?

I Heard a Voice.

Stuck in the Middle With You.

After today I'm very glad I didn't join the Foreign and Commonwealth Office after Cambridge, I would not have been a good diplomat. Shuttling to and fro various people with not all the answers and no power at all to do anything proved a bit of a challenge. The term "don't shoot the messenger" came to mind several times.

Today is over thank goodness. I got my fill of Rick Stein, had a very light supper, did the washing-the man repaired it today-and am now with my lovely on line friends. Another month has started. Good figures for January but a little less than for December.

I was delighted to learn today that Jayne has secured tickets for Don Giovanni for us and for Miriam and Nigel too. That will be a good thing to look forward to.

My mood seems okay, certainly better than even 2 weeks ago. The mantras are working to an extent although some days are harder than others. But I will keep going. Each day will pass and progress will or will not be made. Can I do it any other way? Probably not.

I Heard a Voice.

Almost Seduced Away.

It was never part of my plan today to go out in the car. Wet and grey, I preferred instead my usual Sunday of opera and reading. That was until I discovered the cashpoint in the shop was out of order which forced me to go out. I don't really need any money today but as I have a washing machine repair man coming tomorrow I needed to pay him somehow. So off I went in my little car in search of cash.

Cash secured after finally finding a place to park my mind turned to other things. And foremost of that was an overwhelming desire to drive to a country pub. It was mightily tempting but given that I did the same yesterday I fought the urge and it failed to seduce me away from my warm flat and the warm embrace of Mozart.

I'm back in now with The Magic Flute, a rolled breast of lamb slow roasting in the oven and the many tomes of The Sunday Times to entertain me. Richard is coming to partake of the lamb, he's not been over for a while.

When my thoughts turn to tomorrow I don't know. It will probably weigh heavily on my mind as I go to bed. I have to do another visit to an inpatient unit tomorrow. That is part of my job I like second least, second only to getting people detained under the Mental Health Act.

But it has been a good weekend. So lovely to see Jayne and so little stress. May the rest of the week be similar.

I Heard a Voice.

Happy Faces Convene Again.

I first met Jayne on a cold winter night in The Bell Inn Hythe in December 1994. Sat by the fire a girl of stunning, smouldering beauty gave a off a vibe of do not come near me. As I got to know her we formed a bond built out of mental illness as both of us battled our demons. Despite some setbacks in our friendship we are now both older and hopefully wiser. We enjoy good food, good wine and good culture.

For the last 24 hours we reconvened this long and cherished friendship. I took her to the Fu Hoa for ribs and crispy duck, beef and lamb hotpot and more than a few Tsing Taos. Although not a patch on her local Chinese restaurant the Phoenix she loved it. Wine and beer followed in The Hedgehog then home to talk late into the night. I slept well despite being on the floor in the front room then we had a lovely lunch at The Waggoners. Such a civilised reunion. We both hope one day that I too will return to Cambridge and the two of us can meet more regularly. In the mean time we are hoping to go to see Don Giovanni in Cambridge in April.

Back alone in my flat I'm wondering what to do. I'm not very hungry-too big a lunch-so it may just be a sandwich. Then perhaps the final episode of Inspector Morse. With luck a gentle quiet Sunday will follow and I will be refreshed for next week's battles. See you tomorrow.

I Heard a Voice.

That Didn't Amount to Much.

Some in the tabloid press had dubbed it "the storm of the century". The front that had demolished the Eastern Seaboard of the USA with an unprecedented deluge of snow was due to hit the UK yesterday. No snow was expected but gales and lashing rain. Well unless I missed something that was hardly a storm. Damp yes, windy a little, unpleasant certainly but as someone who vividly recalls the Great Storm in 1987 during my Oxbridge entrance year at Lancing very little happened.

That has been the mild backdrop to another few days down the line for me. I feel okay, I'm coping okay and maybe I'm headed back to normality. Changes are afoot but I predicted that. Whether I like those chances I have yet to form a judgement. But I am back.

Back in my kitchen too. Mixed results unfortunately. The Paneer Mutter tonight was disappointingly bland. I have higher hopes for the chicken stock that is quietly bubbling away on my hob. With Jayne visiting on Friday I'm still undecided if I will try a culinary masterpiece for her or take her out. Pay day is finally upon me after the long barren month of January. I will do a final assessment on the bank account damage tomorrow. Dory will if well visit to do some cleaning tomorrow, she is so much better at it than me. She has once again been struck down by the dreaded migraines yesterday and today but she is on the mend.

Despite the poverty circumstance has taken me out in recent days more than normal. As I mentioned we had our belated Christmas dinner on Friday and last night we went to the lovely Red Lion in Hatfield for James's leaving dinner. Pub grub, inexpensive but okay was on order, a rack of ribs for me. Someone in there was clearly struggling with her mental health and there was an incident in which said young lady injured herself and the riot squad were called. I had left at that point but as ever am saddened quite had cruel mental illness can be. I did not know her or her story but I know from the behaviour she is the sort of young woman neither the police nor mental health services want to touch. I have met many of them on my journey.

On Monday I must return to an inpatient unit for a meeting. Those days are often tough. But it is just another day, a day in many and I will take each as it comes. That way maybe I can better maintain my own mental health.

I Heard a Voice.

Curiously Warm.

As the eastern seaboard of the USA freezes under huge snow falls from the storm my part of the world is strangely warm. It being Sunday I haven't really ventured out much but when I did I was pleasantly surprised.

In my flat it has been a regular Sunday. The paper, Mozart and a little blogging. A chicken is on the menu tonight. I did invite my friend Jeni but she is unwell so we will have to meet another day. I got up a little earlier but it didn't make me feel less anxious. That sense of tomorrow is Monday does not feel great. The plan is to work full time next week and see how we go.

Sometimes I wonder where all this anxiety comes from. It was never really a part of my life until I went through the summer of 2007 when I knew that I had to uproot my entire life to come here and everything that could go wrong did go wrong. And debt was the result that took years to combat. Much as I feel I need to move on from my life as it is that brings even greater fears. Yet there are fears of staying put.

4 years have now gone by since I wrote my piece on here entitled "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" I still feel the latter weighing heavily on me but nothing that I have done since has allowed me to change. I live in the same place, have the same job and remain at a crossroads with no signs to guide me. So the best I can do is take each day as it comes, try to switch off when necessary and bide my time. Biding time can be frustrating but things do move in life so let us hope the fates shine a light on me soon.

I Heard a Voice.