Not Much Went Well.

My return to work did not exactly go according to plan. It is all very well saying do a phased return but if meetings are spread that can't be done. We have electronic systems none of which wanted to work today. By my reckoning I have 3 days of paperwork to catch up on even if I can remember back that far but I only have 4 half days left before Christmas. Stated simply it cannot be done. I achieved nothing today except trying to claim a lot of expenses. Who knows if it will work.

Back at home I found the heating and hot water system had collapsed. It is working again but only precariously. I'll have to call them out yet again. I'm too tired to think or do anything so no chance of completing my assignment.

So it all looks a bit bleak. Will it get better? Probably. Do I need sleep? Definitely. But when will it come. I cannot stay away for ever.

Oh for a mini mania, God that would be good. For now, sleep just sleep. I hope I have better news next time I'm on here.

I Heard a Voice

And Still I Sleep.

It would appear that I'm coming to the end of my enforced absence. If all goes to plan I will be back at the University on Monday for a final week before Christmas. My anxiety appears to have dissipated. My concentration is coming back slowly and my mood is okay. Just okay, no more than that. That has been a strange aspect of my recent malaise, I have not been depressed. Yet still I sleep, and sleep, and sleep. I haven't got up before 11.15 am in a few weeks. For a couple of days the nightmares returned. And after that I felt edgy. But it did not send me headlong downwards. Somehow between now and Monday the fatigue has to go.

Away from it all I have finally managed to make some progress on my MSc assignment. Very hard to write when one's mind is empty. I awarded myself a day off today to watch the Varsity Match from Twickenham. Not had a chance to watch for several years. It was a disaster, a record defeat against Oxford. 5 consecutive defeats in the oldest club match in history or so I'm led to believe. Those not at or of Oxford and Cambridge cannot really understand how important it is to beat the other. I never managed it in my 3 Varsity Bowls. And Oxbridge looks after its own. All these years later Cambridge still looks out for me.

A shepherd's pie is on the menu tonight. I will soon start winding down my kitchen activities for a week Sunday I will be with dad in Kent. I'm mobile again now so have the freedom to drive which I lacked for a week. I need to get writing tomorrow to make more progress but it it goes well maybe I'll get a little venture out into the country too.

I Heard a Voice.

A Pause for Reflection.

A Christmas card arrived today from the eminent Classical scholar Christopher Kelly in Chicago. He was my ancient history tutor at Cambridge and he wildly overestimated my intellect and ability. He used to tell a story that I was the only tutee he taught ever who failed make predicted grades-I failed by 2 bands in Part 1. He flattered me really. The reason I mention him today is that this time last year his card included a delightful remark that my book had like all good books make him think. And that was precisely what I was doing last night.

Finally having my new DVD player up and running I have taken 2 evenings to watch films. I didn't warm to Grand Budapest Hotel that a friend had recommended. That was Saturday's offering. Last night I was far more entertained by The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. And God did that make me think.

The lesson is really that none of us are too old to change our lives and do pursue our dreams. The very wise Caroline Latham of Buddhist Healing fame once told me that "it is okay to mourn for yourself". Everyone goes through personal traumas and tragedies. It is the essence of being human. Yet society doesn't want us to talk about that and mourn our emotional loses. The advice was repeated in the film.

It also showed that we have to take a gamble to change. Being risk averse keeps us stuck. I spent so much of my life reflecting on what I didn't do or others didn't do that I lost almost a decade to mental illness. I now do what I do because of and despite mental illness.

In the end each of the characters got what they searched for. Even the character Graham who seeks to find love of his life before he dies.

Life should make us think more. Not on what we might have done as we are not judged on that. But more on what we might do to shape and mold our lives and those of others for the better. I am and will always be flawed; as all in the film were. Yet to live life flaws must not impede progress. How we define that progress can be hard. Do any of us understand our lives in the present? Only by looking back can I know who I was. I do not know myself until the fog of self delusion, fraud and flaw have cleared with the passing years.

I Heard a Voice.

A Mixed Sunday.

It has been an odd day, blazing sunshine one minute, hammering rain the next. Having spent almost all of today indoors it hasn't really affected me although it has put me off going on a Sunday afternoon walk.

My intention to attempt a little more study today have been put on hold since I learned West Ham were playing live on TV. So to accompany the Sunday Times I have been gently watching them take a 2-1 lead. If they hang on they will go third in the table-unheard of heights for December.

Time marches on however and I really do need to get going on my studies. A review of notes and plan needs to be complete by tomorrow afternoon. Then I can start writing. I'm still struggling for concentration and fatigue haunts me but the anxiety remains manageable.

My shoulder of lamb is slowly roasting away in the oven and I'm just par boiling the potatoes. I do love the smell of rosemary on a Sunday afternoon heralding the joys of lamb with mint sauce.

There looks like a lull in the vile weather so maybe I will get out. I'll decide at the final whistle. If anyone is still out there reading-numbers way down-many thanks for humouring me. Have a great Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.

Contradictory Information

A few day have passed since I was last on here. My anxiety appears to be abating-a few things have fallen into place which helped. The exhaustion remains stubbornly in place. Why it is not shifting I'm not sure. My medication has been increased for over 2 weeks now. Sleep is coming but no limit to the fatigue. I have another week to try to sort that.

Now that my mind is less fraught I have summoned up enough concentration to actually do something. Yesterday I applied for that job. But there was a contradiction. The Guardian website suggested that the closing date is next Thursday. Yet LinkedIn stated applications had close on 21th November. All very strange and a little annoying. I applied on line anyway via The Guardian. Let's hope for the best.

Today I managed to an hour of study. The is a first in 3 weeks. My PESTLE is now done. Next stop is to review all my notes, look at the plan and then start writing. If my concentration becomes more effective I hope to make some progress this week while at home.

Post study a friend came round to set up my new DVD player. I'm a complete moron when it comes to anything practical so I rely on friends. They usually get a nice dinner in return. In another bizarre twist of contradiction the item is sold without the connecting wire. What on earth is the point of that? So off we went and had to spend another £25 on said wire-a pain. What it does mean though is that tonight I can watch a film for the first time in a few months. A nice change.

And so to food. Without a car I had to make do locally. Tonight a pork steak and tomorrow slow roast shoulder of lamb. Another gentle day I hope.

I Heard a Voice.

Stop That Train I'm Leaving.

After several weeks of chaos, exhaustion, stress and anxiety I was finally ordered to stop by my Doctor. Not having to face the morning has helped already although there is still too much in the way of study and job applications to consider. But not yet.

Tomorrow Dory is taking me out for lunch. I will get up late. Maybe post a blog and generally try to switch off from the world. The Merry Go Round has officially stopped for me until 15th December. Guess it might give me time to think about Christmas.

I Heard a Voice

Advent Gloom.

Winter has certainly come. Cold and gloomy I have no plans to venture far today. Another day away from work, anxiety has really come back today. I also remain dead tired. The plan is to call after midnight to book an appointment to see my GP tomorrow. Barmy isn't it? But that is the way my surgery works. I will get to see someone who knows me though and that is important when MH is the concern.

As I shiver in the cold I listened belatedly to music for Advent. I should have listened on Sunday but forgot. I'm not remembering much at the moment. Head is still all over the place. I really should try to do some study but no chance of that, I can't even read today.

I'm told they're really going through it at the university too. Tough times all round. I certainly can't face that just yet. Each day I have to lay plans to cancel more and more. I don't like letting people down but when I'm ill there is little chance of achieving much.

What would I give for a shift upwards in mood? In truth I don't feel that depressed just extremely anxious and exhausted. But I cannot turn over and die. I must fight on and given time I will recover. I always do.

Hopefully next time on here I will be feeling somewhat better.