Hailstones, Byrd, Pink Floyd and Change Management.

Is it weird to go from listening to the great Tudor religious works of Byrd to the strange drug fuelled world of Pink Floyd in one afternoon? Thinking about it it is pretty weird. But then again I like to do the unexpected. It has been a strangely disjointed day that has left me with more uncertainty than it began but with progress made.

My day started late after a troubled nightmare filled night in a barrage of hailstones. Yes, yet another storm had arrived. It was so loud that I thought it might smash my bedroom window. Fortunately no damage to report. Much to my disappointment I still felt unwell. The swelling of my tonsils has subsided but is replaced by a heavy cough and a lot of chest constriction. This is a very strange virus if that is what it is.

Of one thing I was certain today, I needed to do some more study. A brief interlude of Singapore noodles with Lin and food shopping delayed the inevitable but I did manage to get 2 hours done to a backdrop of Byrd and Pink Floyd. Not sure how much further I am in my quest but I always feel anxious that I have not done enough. Maybe it will make sense when I get round to writing in earnest next week. I wonder how much my peers have done, after our last lecture session they all seemed convinced that they would fail. I have one priceless gift though and that is I can write. The night before my Economics A Level in 1988 I bumped into one of my teachers and told him I didn't understand any of it. His response was "well at least you can write". Not very encouraging but I did somehow get a B.

So on a dreary dark winter night my holiday ends. Who knows what the coming weeks will bring. More importantly what will my mood do. At the moment it is flat although I think that is due to being physically unwell. Yet on we must go, on into the unknown.

I Heard a Voice.

The Sun Comes Out.

After what seems like endless weeks of rain and storms the sun finally came out today. I awoke late still feeling unwell. It is hard to swallow and hurts when I cough but it is not as bad as yesterday. With the sun finally appearing I donned my shades and popped out for a couple of hours. I find myself feeling guilty for wasting study time. It still feels as if I haven't done enough work. Yet the evidence says otherwise.

When I got home I put some Mozart on and finally undertook a SWOT analysis for my project. It was actually quite easy. I already have the basis for my assignment after the mammoth Wagner evening before the holiday. Now I just need the confidence to match evidence and references to each section and it should write itself. The presentation poses no fears. Despite being encouraged to be as visual as possible that is not my strength so in the main I will stick with my strength as a public speaker. With luck by the end of tomorrow I will be in a position to put flesh on the bones of the work.

As for the rest of today I still need to rest up and listen to my Mozart. I need to talk to dad but as he has lost his mobile and his call blocker keeps blocking me out I will have to rely on him calling me. My mood is certainly not where it was at 2 days ago but I'm not firing on a high. That would be good but as ever I need to keep a check on that. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Unwell.

The rain has been hammering down all day. It is not nice out there as 2014 dawns. I'm not sure where I am today. Despite my mood and anxiety problems of yesterday I did you out for New Year. The experience was mixed as for much of the time the darkness of my madness seemed most enticing. I can't remember when I last felt like that. I came close to taking my emergency stash of Risperidone. But I didn't. It was a good night and a fitting send off for Jeff.

I awoke this morning not hungover but with my tonsils aflame and struggling to swallow. My annual bout of tonsillitis has arrived, I'm hoping it lasts only a short while, really doesn't feel good today. I still restless and hungry but unable to eat. Not what I need as my holiday draws to a close. Mentally I'm not where I was but the troubles of yesterday are still here today. Maybe going back to work on Monday will be a blessing. More MSc work needs to be done before that.

For now I blankly look at the TV, feel very sleepy and not up to doing anything really. I must eat though. More tomorrow.

I Heard a Voice.

The Russian Doll.

When I was a very young child we had a friend who lived a few doors down called Michael. His mum was Russian and his dad drove an E Type Jaguar. I didn't understand its iconic status then but it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. E Types aside, his mum introduced me to Russian Dolls, you know the ones where you open it and inside are many smaller dolls. Layer after layer. That was mesmerising too. So why this today?

Well I am full of anxiety, low, listless and aimlessly wandering. In what is likely to be my final post of 2013 you find me sinking. As I wandered pointlessly about the town where I work I thought of anxiety and what it does to people. I'm never at my best with students with anxiety but the one thing I always say is it is fear of what might happen rather than what really happens. It is the Russian Doll from the inside. Each anxiety breeds another, and another, and yet more. Soon the anxiety has snowballed into a huge doll the size of which it is impossible to comprehend. That is how I feel on the last day of this year.

Distraction should help but doesn't. I need to get on with my MSc but my mind is elsewhere. Sure as night follows day, depression will follow anxiety.

But my troubles can wait as I have just heard the news that my friend Jeff died today. He has been battling cancer and I visited him a year ago when he was given only a few weeks to live. Well he fought hard and made it to a year. I will forgive him for being a Liverpool supporter but on days like today I hope my mum's beliefs about an after life are true and one day I will sit in a bar somewhere with Jeff talking about nothing in particular. I need to focus on that not some trivial earthly trouble.

I'm sorry this is such a low post, it is how I feel. That aside I wish you all a very happy New Year and a prosperous 2014.

I Heard a Voice.

Jack Frost Comes.

Another place another nightmare. Actually it was 4 nightmares last night and early this morning. It has been a very bad dreaming holiday. There is no explanation, I'm under no stress at all. I saw a book by Freud about dreams yesterday, perhaps I should buy it.

As you will gather I'm back at home in Hertfordshire. My troubled night was marked by cold and I opened the curtains this morning to reveal a sharp frost and bitter temperatures. It really is cold out there despite the glorious winter sunshine.

By means of a change today I took another venture into my past. I was introduced to the music of Michael Head by my eccentric singing teacher at school. He was a strange man who I always felt had an unhealthy interest in young men. Nothing ever happened but he did make me feel uncomfortable at times. After many years I finally found a CD of Head's songs which dad you got me for Christmas. This morning I heard the hauntingly beautiful song cycle "Over the Rim of the Moon". That has not come to my ears since I performed it in my last ever concert of my school career in the summer of 1988. Most agreed it was not my finest performance. Mum complained that the piano was too loud. But it is a tough ask of an 18 year old to sing it in its entirety to 500 people. The year before I had sung the same composer's "The Singer" and blown the audience away. Those were the old days before madness. I was an arrogant fool then. Perhaps I still am.

The cold will keep me indoors today. Mozart will follow on from Head and the days of my holiday will pass. Soon I will be back in the melee. But before then there is slow roast pork, Rioja, and reading to do. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Winter Sun.

A bright winter sun greeted my- as I emerged late the morning after the night before. It was cold though. What a night it was. We surpassed last year's epic by about 3 1/2 hours and I got home at about 1.45 am. Today I did not pay a hangover price, more a nightmares and exhaustion price. For the first time in years I decided against going to the Boxing Day run. This did not go down well as I received a barrage of texts requiring me to go. In fact I went back to bed. Not sure what I feel now but I will head for the Butt later.

This week has gone fast. Depending on how ferocious tonight's predicted storm is I plan to drive back home on Saturday. If there is travel disruption I might wait until Sunday.

I have been very lucky with presents this year. But most important of all was a short poetry book Miriam gave me. Turning to her poem published on page 116 I was stunned the read about me. It was an amazing piece that shows how far I have come from the darkness into the light. I almost cried. I never really think of people viewing me in the that way. I guess I make a mark sometimes.

Nearly time to eat so will be away. Maybe back tomorrow on here or at the weekend. I hope everyone had peaceful and happy Christmas and let's all pray for a prosperous New Year.

I Heard a Voice.

The Storm is Over.

Well we all made it in one piece through the vicious storm of last night. No damage here, my car is alive and kicking and Miriam and Nigel had a good journey down. So we commence the festivities.

Today has been spent wrapping, organising, cheese buying, wine selecting and cooking curry goat. It looks and smell delicious after what appeared a slow start. Still haven't got used to using an aga but getting there. Everything is delivered to Beka's so no last minute scrabbles before the big day. Dad will go to church and we will go to the pub. He'll pick us up from there to go for the gargantuan feast that awaits at Beka's. They looked a little stressed when I went round but all will be right on the night.

That just leaves me the wonderful task of wishing my readers world wide a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Stay safe and enjoy the holiday. I may be back tomorrow, depends on how much wine I drink!

I Heard a Voice.