Is it wise to revisit the past? Maybe, maybe not. My past never leaves me however much my cousin Cedric says let go. Actually since completing the writing of A Pillar of Impotence in 2005 my ability to stop my past dominating my present has improved.
Anyway twelve days ago I revisited my darkest past. Reunion is a tricky thing. I have long talked of that darkness in therapy, with trusted friends and a few others. Just not overtly in public. The NHS calls it Adverse Childhood Experiences. That doesn't even come close to the horrors I've witnessed and heard over the last 30 years.
It was hard that Wednesday and shook me to an extent. Not because I didn't understand my own life but that others are openly talking about what happened, how they'd buried it and then came to the realisation what it really was.
The genie sealed in a bottle for five decades feels like it's finally going to pop out. And that has triggered real mental struggle for me ever since.
Coupled with being physically ill and news that a more recent past is also coming to haunt me I've been a mess.
Yesterday I started to fight back. I cooked for the first time in a week, threw out the rotten consequences of not cooking, did the washing, tidied up and took the rubbish out. My flat is back to normal chaos after being neglected.
Where I go from here I'm not sure. Today I will lunch at The White Hart, eat roast beef and drink Rioja. Tomorrow I will go to work. Just take it one day at a time.
I Heard a Voice
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