Pressure Off.

Although I've been off since Friday 19th it took some time to decompress from work. Now, the pressure is finally off and I've had two anxiety free days.

That is always needed. On an overcast but mild Sunday afternoon I'm listening to Tosca and doing some reading. 

My return journey from Kent was uneventful. Trains ran OK and I was home by lunchtime on Friday. Good to see so many friends. But I could have done without the anxiety. 

Next week will be busy. Occupied by domestic stuff tomorrow...defrosting the freezer is an awful job. Tuesday brings my birthday and Miriam visiting. Hope to fit in a trip to Borough Market. Friday brings my school friend Ernest to town. 

Hope to fit in a video call to my retired therapist Peter one afternoon. 

That said I never really stop working. I continue to support the daughter of a Cambridge friend who has been struggling with her mental health. Also to support another Cambridge friend who just lost a relative to suicide. Thus us the world of mental health. 

There will be roast beef and horseradish for dinner. A while since I cooked beef on a Sunday.

If you're UK based enjoy the Bank Holiday tomorrow. Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

At the Setting of the Sun.

I watched the sun set over the beach last night. Not in its complete cycle rather frame by frame every 20 minutes or so. The kaleidoscopic ofcolour was amazing. Dad, Beka and I were at The Waterfront restaurant having an early birthday dinner. Next Tuesday I turn 53.

Where have those years gone? People now seem to view me as suave, cultured and sophisticated. I've felt pretty distinguished since turning 50.

On an overcast but mild morning we buried Beka's mum today. I've known Beka since 1995. I gave her away at her wedding. And I have joint power of attorney on her estate. I will be busy signing documents in the coming weeks. 

Tomorrow morning I go home. Another week left on my holiday and I eventually switched off from work. 

I will cook for dad, bought some lovely sardines which I will butterfly and grill and serve with new potatoes and a tomato, shallot and parsley salad. My reintroduction to fish continues; last night I had oysters and hake. 

Take care out there in the world. 

I Heard a Voice. 

The Sea Beckons.

The sun is shining, the air is warm and wispy clouds mark the skies. Down by the sea it is peaceful and pleasant. 

Yes I have escaped for my annual summer holiday. I got down yesterday afternoon and am staying until Friday. Dad is on good form. 

Despite having left work at 5 pm on Friday I still haven't managed to decompress. The last few months have been hard there. My confidence is dented and at times I flounder. But I am happier. 

A year ago today my life took a seismic shift when I was appointed to my job. Optimism and fear pervaded the next couple of months when I handed in my notice. Fear has haunted me much of my life. 

Not everything has gone right. And I dwell and ruminate on that. But I have done some good.

The sea always draws me back so I head for the beach shortly. I'll enjoy the sun, marvel at the waves, smells the sea and hear to sounds of seagulls. 

Until next time. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Opera on Holiday.

Greetings all on this overcast Sunday. The heat has dissipated but there's little sign of rain. The grass is parched and the trees are fruiting early and leaves already turning brown and falling. 

My holiday is finally here. The challenges continued right up to my last hour of work on Friday. Yet I will persist a day at a time. 

As it my wont I'm listening to Turandot and reading this morning. No big plans today but tomorrow I'm heading down to Kent to spend time with my dad and to go to a funeral. 

My original plan was to travel yesterday but the trains were on strike. As the cost of living rockets more and more industries are striking. And I can't see it stopping any time soon. We live in an uncertain age.

Mentally the anxiety is ever lurking. At times I feel very lonely and isolated. People I've relied on for emotional support in the last year or so are rarely heard from now. I continue to support a lot of people away from work but getting that for me is not as given.

Moodwise I think I'm OK. Tuesday week I will turn 53. Miriam will take me out for lunch. Hopefully also have an early birthday lunch with dad too by the seaside. 

I miss the sea but tomorrow we will be reunited. 

Enjoy your Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Heavens Opening.

After so many weeks of searing heat the rains finally came today. And the heavens opened. I managed to escape the worst of it, no floods driving home, no lightning to knock out the power and I didn't get too wet going to the shop. 

I relish the cooler temperatures on this Wednesday opera night. Mozart's Lucio Silla is my opera of choice. Steak and chips...Steak was awful...and a very small glass of Rioja. 

On a day of unexpected events I'm reflecting on what was and what might be. But I hope we have a less confrontational way of going forward. I hate confrontation and anger, had too much of that when mum was alive. 

Thinking back to March when covid kicked off an avalanche of fear, anxiety, bewilderment and loss it has been a hard road. I felt very vulnerable last night. Less so tonight. 

Just because people don't always reciprocate when I need something is not a reason for me to stop trying to help people. So many do help me though. Just that in my world friendships and relationships can be very unstable. I find it so hard losing people.

At my most cynical I might say they are only lost until they need something. But I will set that aside.

I will battle one day at a time. And with that comes progress.

I Heard a Voice. 

Resistance in the Sun.

Greetings on this blisteringly hot Saturday afternoon. Once again we reach the weekend and once again we're in the middle of a heatwave.

Looking at the world it seems a time of war, pestilence, famine and man made destruction. Who could have seen this even three years ago. 

A state of drought has been declared in many parts of the UK. People are desperately worried about the cost of living. I'm in a position to hopefully ride out the storm but many are not.

Reflecting on my own it has been pretty unstable since March. Covid, people walking away, work then facing homelessness. 

Yet thanks to Great support from friends and family I'm still fighting on. Facing something similar in 2018 I crumbled into a deep state of depression and severe anxiety. 

Today I'm at the end of another week. Not without problems but not being attacked as sometimes happens.

My weekend is quiet, many of my friends have gone camping. I'm staying home. I did shop for food. I resisted the lure of another Cookbook. And I picked up a spare contact lens.

Tomorrow I will do roast chicken. Not had it for some time. 

A week today I will be on holiday, hurrah!

I Heard a Voice.

Shaken Thrice

Once again Sunday is upon us. And for the third Sunday in a row it is accompanied by chronic shaking. My anxiety has been simmering since a Friday setback. That day I paid the price of medication leaving me in a state of confusion. 

Tomorrow I must go back and pick up what I left off. It feels difficult to judge how I'm doing, conflicting messages are precisely that.

As surely as the morrow will come I must enjoy this sunny day of rest. The Magic Flute accompanies my morning, I have read the paper and I'm looking forward to cooking roast belly pork for dinner. 

Miriam and Nigel went to Glyndebourne in the week then drove on over to Kent to spend the weekend with dad. Beka joined them for a curry last night. 

With luck I too should be in Kent in a couple of weeks. Be lovely to see the sea again. Let's just hope the fear doesn't follow me down there. Can't have my holiday spoilt by irrationally ridiculous anxiety. 

I Heard a Voice.