Entering the Arena.

The eroding of my self confidence and huge rise in anxiety levels dated very much from 2014. A new way forward did not run smoothly. In 2015 it got a lot worse and was noticeable in many aspects of my working life.

Having spent too many angry and at times manic years extolling my own virtue and power all came crashing down in that terrible decent into darkness 18 months ago. I'm not there now but I'm still working to regain my power.

Although I am a failed teacher my lectures and training sessions since about 2008 have always been well received, at times applauded, and erroneously revered. Yet as my confidence failed and my anxiety rose it became increasingly difficult to do that. Yes feedback was always good but the terror that built up in me led me to abandon that part of my life. Once I loved teaching, now I fear it.

When I returned to work last summer they asked if I wanted to do more teaching and training. Terror filled me so we didn't do it. But I knew one day I would have to return to it.

Tomorrow is that day. Once more I enter into the arena not I hope for a gladiatorial contest but for a frank and open discussion about mental health and universities. As I have mentioned before it is a hot political issue and one that an increasing number of young people identify with. The key though is how do we fight through misinformation and lack of engagement to find a way forward?

There has been an increasing trend to classify, quantify and processize something that I do not believe can work like that. All my years of living with mental illness, all my years of working with mental illness, and all my years of talking about mental illness I've never actually seen a system that works universally. In Charon's Ferry I talk about the tripos of the system, the people and the money. That will not change, we just tinker with different systems, new trends in people and not enough money.

Given what has happened since 2015 I think I should be more scared of tomorrow than I am. I know I have done it before and I know I'm good at it. But after such a break who knows, maybe I'll report back tomorrow.

For now I have Verdi's Falstaff  and a book to keep me going. Perhaps it's also time for a beer.

I Heard a Voice.