Too Old for Parties.

Were it not for the blossom on the trees one might almost have mistaken yesterday for October. Cold, blustery and grey. The wind has died down today but I still have the heating on. Compared to last weekend of glorious sunshine this one is a damp squib.

You find me at home having a quiet Sunday to myself. The smell of slow roasting pork shoulder wafts around the flat and I'm getting hungry. With The Magic Flute my afternoon companion I'm contemplating last week and last night. Friday was a day of disagreement after a very quiet week. I get paid to give advice and am usually right. But others don't always listen. So they tie themselves in knots frantically referring on cases that will never get to the outcome they would like. It was ever thus.

Last night I went to Gary's 50th birthday and was once again reminded that I'm not always comfortable at parties. That I'm too old seems the obvious excuse but I recall many parties in Cambridge where I felt so out of place I wanted to run. I didn't exactly run last night but busy places full of people I do not know ushered me towards an early exit. I was home by 11.30 pm with a glass of Rioja and cooking programmes on TV.

I concluded last night that a party for my 50th might not be a good idea. Perhaps just making people aware where I'll be and see what happens may be a better ways forward.

Term starts tomorrow and the students get straight into exams. It is the season of "I need a letter". Hate that expectation. In my day yes we were anxious and we were fearful but one just had to get on and do it. Somehow I got a 2.1 from Cambridge whilst on the verge a nervous breakdown, full of despair and sunk into the depths of psychotic depression. Actually the exams kept me going. I simply had to finish. Then with nothing left I succumbed to the coming breakdown and so the history began.

Have I achieved anything since then? The emphatic answer has to be yes but perhaps not what I might have done. Who knows what history would have bequeathed me in other circumstances? But there would have been another girl, another emotional hammer blow and eventually I would have crashed anyway. Some saw it coming. But no one said anything at the time.

For now I will leave you. Must attend to dinner. Enjoy your Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.