Jolted awake around 6 am by a dream that was swiftly forgotten I peered out onto a murky misty day with not a lot of cheer. I was desperately tired, medication does that to me, and returned to bed for a couple of hours and found getting up something of a challenge. Emerging late the fog lingered as I drove to work with my lights on. Who could have expected such a dull start to emerge into such a nice day? Overdressed I suffered but it is far easier to peel off extra layers than to add those that I hadn't brought with me.
I'm now five days into my increased medication regime. As noted I'm tired. There is little sign of any emotion but the realisation that my decisions made in the face of violence and aggression last week were right and vindicated. Why should I be slated for saying no? All my life I've said yes and what is clear from therapy is that it is good thing that I'm finally taking a stand.
My session yesterday whilst not easy was helpful. Where was all this nearly 30 years ago? Nowhere in sight. Was I too ill? Yes. Were the people giving the therapy inept? Probably. Was I ready to change then? Probably not. The great difference now to use Madeline's old adage "whose need does that serve" and then it's clear that now it serves my need. I did give a first hint of the true darkness but I'm not yet ready to allow that into the light.
A long weekend awaits and a rest. I've probably set up too many things but I'm looking forward to showing my friend Naima round Borough Market, eating Sarah's roast duck and now it seems meeting my friend Shelley on Monday. Too much? Maybe. Time will tell.
Home in my flat I cooked stir fried beef with pickled mustard green for supper and am listening to Rossini. I cooked stuffed aubergine yesterday and was very pleased with the result. Tomorrow I will shop for the weekend's culinary endeavours.
See you next time.
I Heard a Voice.
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