Burning Embers.

Several days on the embers of rage are still burning. My mind is racing, I'm struggling to focus, have no motivation and feel utterly powerless. It was ever thus when things are beyond my power and the anger button switches on. It feel like the demons are about to come knocking.

For much of yesterday the fire seemed to be burning out. But as ever a breath of wind, a few more logs added and it combusts again. The silly thing is I have now idea where the the oxygen and wood came from. Sat alone in the pub last night all those thoughts of epic failure came rushing back.

The realisation was very strong that where I have failed in my career has almost always been when confronting anger and aggression. Suddenly the mirror looms large and I see a twisted, forlorn caricature of what might of been. I certainly get many accolades for what I do but can rarely award them to myself. Try as I might to judge each day on did I do some good today that seems a long way from the truth.

My plan for this weekend was always to take a step back and have some time for me. Now I don't want to see or speak to anyone. My phone is off. All I'm prepared to do is speak on here to the anonymous world that humours me by sometimes reading what I have to say but hardly ever speaks back.

Walking in town this morning after a poor might's sleep I felt like a ghost shambling silently through the world. Yes I was polite to all the people who served me in shops. But that is normal for me. I thought of visiting Yang but decided she didn't really need my morose self absorbed folly. I thought also of going to the pub but after recent weeks elevated wine consumption I would resist. Resist too the urge to spend.

Instead I came home, had a salad for lunch and ignored the lure of a glass of Albarino. Now it is gloomy outside and inside, I'm listening to Mozart arias and wondering when the fire of my rage will burn out and trying desperately to avoid a free fall slump. What I really ought to do is increase my Risperidone finally and write off the next few days. I just fear the emptiness too much to go down that route. So instead I wait.

One day the embers will die away to ash and then I must sweep them away from the hearth that is sometimes my lot.

I Heard a Voice.