Glittering Prize or Inglorious Failure.

Dawn was not a pleasant sight today. Woken by a bad dream the contents of which were already forgotten ten seconds later I got up and saw a grey, ugly light, cold and wet, and no sign of the sun. An early March morning reminding us all that although glimpses of spring have been they are not yet consistent. Being so short sighted and still dazed by a chemically infused haze I was not able to ascertain what time it was. I emerged to get ready for work a couple of hours later.

Another busy and frenetic day lay ahead. At certain points of the year requests are made for letters. Letters to excuse incomplete work, missed deadlines, conveying bereavements, illness and disaster, ill fate, and all myriad of things. All so that people can have another chance. It seems that no one of this generation can possibly be allowed to fail. I loath writing such letters for why should someone's fate be in my hands? They have to do the work, put in the hours and take the exams.

After such a long day I'm left with a terrible dilemma. A glittering academic triumph or inglorious failure. That fate lies in my hands. I learned from my own bitter experiences and lost 20s that at some point we all have to fight back against mental illness, take action and take responsibility. In real life there are no study needs agreements or serious adverse circumstances. One has to do. I do not have my job because I have a mental illness. I have it because I can do it. The day I can't do it I will no longer have a job.

An individual gets the glittering prize or the individual gets inglorious failure. In my hands lies fate. And that troubles me.

Retreating into my world of opera and literature I'm still thinking. Neither Mozart's Lucio Silla nor Forster's Howards End have led me to any answer yet. But I indulge anyway. I managed three more chapters of the book. And another opera is in its 3rd act.

Tomorrow is another day. We're expecting a storm overnight. I'm another day closer to my break. I have three days left. On one of those days I must decide someone's fate. They never told me it would be like this back in 2007 when I journeyed to a place unknown and came away with a glittering prize. Not always easy being me.

I Heard a Voice.