Impulsively Healthy.

Who would have thought healthy living could be so expensive? Back in the cold and dark of last January I came out my GP surgery somewhat demoralised and dejected after being told I needed to change my ventures in the fine world of food in order to be healthier. It didn't really tell me anything new but it did launch the fine art of fish which I had never really learned after my mum cooked it so often I couldn't stand the sight of it.

After an okay day I knew I needed to shop and popped into Waitrose to get a rainbow trout. Fancied trying cooking it for the first time as I'm quite partial to trout. About 20 minutes later I emerged from the till with two full bags and £46 less in my bank account sans trout. God I can be impulsive sometimes. Was I making up for my missed trip to Borough Market? But I bought fine things.

So this evening as the chosen opera of Idomeneo plays I have been struggling to find a recipe for monkfish for tomorrow. I've settled on a roasted fillet on crushed potatoes with watercress and olive oil. I will have to shop again for watercress but I can live with that. It is courtesy of Rick Stein's Seafood Lovers Guide. Curiously enough as he filmed that series and wrote the book in 2000 he passed through Sandgate and Hythe. The fish monger he mentions is still there on the beach, the hotel restaurant he also mentions is long gone.

And how has it been now that I'm back in the world that frequents my every day living? The start of the week was disastrous. It's getting better and I think I'm doing fine. Not a lot has changed and the difficulties we face will still be there. But I'm not a sprawling mass of dejected anxiety. That is what might have been. Whether that may still come when term starts a week on Monday time will tell.

I had a most curious conversation with a relatively new colleague yesterday. It gave me a glimpse into how I am perceived as a ten year veteran of the place. People seem to think I have power. In truth I have none. Responsibility yes, power no. Those two are different things. She also seemed to wonder at what she perceived as my self control, my self understanding and my resilience. Those are not words I usually associate with myself.

I recall when Ros got back in touch three years ago fearing that I would be just as self absorbed and mean as I felt I had been all those years before. I dreaded what she might think yet her view was so far from that in my mind. I was very moved by a text she sent on my birthday saying how proud she was at what I had given to the world. That all sounds very weird to me.

Given that different people concur in a way I guess there must be something in it. God why don't I stop beating myself up? That said a couple of days ago I came home from The Hedgehog and wondered if my buzzy times had returned. I feared I had annoyed people with my sharp, fast, quick witted and at times dismissive comments that night. In fact it just made people laugh. But I have learned from bitter experience that elevated mood can be just as damaging to me as depression.

On that note I return to my opera. I'm doing okay, hope you all are too.

I Heard a Voice.