Disappearing Viewers - a Mystery.

Something odd has been going on with my blog in the last couple of weeks. As I have mentioned before I can review views and other stats such as countries accessing it, the pages read most, and origins of traffic. Well I had notice the disappearance of viewers in recent weeks. Then the last 2 night my mood has been lifted by a spike in viewers last thing in the evening. Yet each morning the phantom viewers have disappeared. Not sure what that means. Theoretically numbers are way down on July and the dark times of March and April. But do I trust these figures? Or am I once again being deceived by technology.

Talking of technology, ever since I moved to the university I have kept all my records electronically. In fact no one uses files any more in the real world of mental health. My system suits what I need-I developed it after all-it is quick and easy. In fact I can access anyone I have records of who has seen me in the last 5 years with a few clicks of a mouse. If it ain't broke, don't fix it goes the old adage. Sadly no all see it that way.

There are exceptions who remain in the record keeping Dark Ages and they are therapists. You know, the people that surround me all day and earn far more money than me. Now in the interests of integration I am now being required to adopt a cumbersome and far more time consuming recording system on endless pieces of paper. Yes, I have to take data base information, put it on paper, and then it goes on another data base/ Mad or what?!!? I have no idea the purpose of this other than to further my increasing anonymity which grows daily. And that further loss of identity is doing nothing for my mood.

I spent almost all day on my computer in preparation and still got no where near the required pieces of paper. Hence it was not a good day.

Actually it has not been a good week. I came home from Kent to no heating or hot water. It wasn't fixed until yesterday afternoon and is at best precarious. I have to move, not sure I really want to go on living in this jinxed flat.

That said I cooked some very nice roast chicken, Rick Stein is on later and I have a beer open. It could be worse. I wonder if anyone will read this?

I Heard a Voice.

A Godsend?

Hi all,

This may well be my last post until next week-I'm away tomorrow and not sure how much time/accessibility I will have.

It has been dark, dank, and dreary here the last few days. Not what I needed first thing in the morning as I have to go back to my disillusioned life at work. I was unwell last week with a virus. Okay now but still have a cough and am tired. Yesterday was bad-Tuesday's usually are bad-and today did not start too well. Oh how we deal with deluded egos in our lives. I was of course accused of delusion for all those years but in the end I was proved right.

There was nearly one of my angry posts on here last night. But I hope today's is better. After a not so great start it got better. I met one of my most interesting and challenging students today for the first time since May. He acknowledged just how good I am at what I do. I am one of the few people he respects. That is all good. Later and separately I saw 2 members of staff I have helped in the past. Neither know each other yet both used the same word: To them I was a godsend at troubled times.

In my currently troubled world I needed that. It is completely over-blowing my role in their recoveries. Not long afterwards I spoke to the woman who investigated my pay appeal for the first time since it failed. She was cordial and polite as I was. The funny thing was she talked about the good retention rates of staff at the University. I wonder what she will say when I leave? And I very much hope I do soon. In reality she probably won't notice, I'm just not that important.

Tomorrow I catch the train to Kent. On Friday we are interring my mum's ashes. I have no idea what that will feel like but it will be nice to see dad and Miriam. Until the next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Medicinal Soup.

Since my last post it would appear that more and more people I know have had or do have this wretched virus. I remain achy, shivery, and exhausted. I had actually felt somewhat better last night but once the paracetamol had worn off all the symptoms came back. So I remain at home.

I'm not sure the origins of the medicinal purposes of soup are. Many cultures revere soup as a curative most notably in the Jewish community. Whilst I'm not up to making the dumplings for that I do have a very good chicken stock that I make the other day. Knowing the alleged reputation of soup I made from scratch a parsley soup out of the the book I mentioned last night. The result was stunning. Not sure if it has made me feel better but it was an enjoyable highlight in an otherwise wiped out and dreary day. I have some left so I can give a follow up dose tomorrow.

Here's to feeling better! Now time for some Renaissance music-the last recording I ever did at King's.

I Hard a Voice.

A Sweeping Virus.

A couple of weeks ago friends in Kent were talking of being felled by a mystery virus. Seems somewhat early for flu. Last week it had reached here-I called the Housing team at work on Thursday only to discover the whole team was off sick. Well on Monday night it came to me. I slept badly with all the shivers and aches in my spine-that kept me awake then came the nightmares. Now it has taken hold.

It is rare I take paracetamol but pharmacists always tell me that is the best way to keep the symptoms at bay. But now I'm taking it with some regularity. It helps but doesn't prevent the nightmares that always come to me when I am ill. I feel wiped out despite not going to work today. Mentally I'm hanging on so that is good. No real shift in mood one way or the other.

So it has been a day at home barring a brief foray into the cold world. Had to rest when I got in. I'm hungry now so I'm about to cook a beef noodle soup. It will be a Vietnamese-Chinese fusion with the former providing the noodles, beef, and herbs and the latter a fine stock.

Who know what tomorrow brings other than my plan to make a parsley soup with home made chicken stock courtesy of Rick Stein's Food Heroes book. Other than that I suspect it will be sleep and more paracetamol.

I Heard a Voice.

Only the Psychotic Can Know the Psychotic.

Over the past few weeks my life has been wracked with self doubt, volatile and generally low mood, and a once proud ego wavering into fragility. Life is not as awful as it can get -by no means am I back in the grip of my madness-but it has not been good. Even my work has felt as if I am a novice once again who really doesn't know what he is doing. Doubt is not something I experience often.

In the light of that I needed a sign that am still good at what I do in my maverick way. Yesterday that came. I rarely work with people with anxiety disorders-I usually pass them onto others. But what of those who have been there already? So I was presented with a young woman with startling eyes so anxious she barely went out who had been failed before. For an hour we spoke and I thought I too had failed. Yet no, we had the first breakthrough of her battle. No one was as surprised as I was. She will be back.

Later I was at my best. How can someone who has never been psychotic understand the world of psychosis? The answer is not at all or in a very limited way. But I understand. I spent an intense hour unpicking the psychotic delusions of an as yet undiagnosed bipolar girl whose life is going into post mania free-fall. I knew and she realised that for the first time she was understood. Is that priceless? That is for her to decide.

I needed that boost to my flagging self doubt. I do know what I'm doing. Sadly it did not carry into today and I'm in nowhere land again. And so to cooking. I'm braising shin of beef which I will chill and dress with a Sichuan dressing. That is for my friends in the pub. I will stir fry some pork tonight then curry on Monday. Oh and I had a snack of Jarlsberg cheese, Iberico jamon, and grapes-it was very good.

Now it is time for tea-finally managed to get some loose Twinings Darjeeling, thank goodness for Sainsburys.

I Heard a Voice.

Getting Busy.

As I was thinking about writing a post today it struck me that the day on which I most often blog is Sunday. But this Sunday I didn't. A failing of mine is that I don't often look back at previous post so tend to repeat myself. Sadly I'm guilty of that in both my books. It is whole week since I have been on here but looking back my recent posts have included a number during the week. There is but one reason for this-I have been curiously quiet at work.

The tidal wave of misery that I suspected would break over me 3 weeks ago did not come. But today the waters got distinctly choppier. It was busy-9 referrals in 2 days. I can cope but I sometimes feel I don't want to. What is the point? What do I get out of it? The satisfaction of those rare people who consider me some sort of genius in my field? I am certainly not that. But I do seem to help some beyond measure.

Away from the important part-in case anyone forgot that is the students-I have got through my appraisal and sat through another 1 1/2 hours of navel gazing that we engage in on a Tuesday afternoon. Delving back into the archives on here you will recall I detest appraisals. And that is when the times are good. I was dreading it in light of recent event. In reality we hovered around each other in a terrible polite English way (actually she is not English) and avoided the raging shouting match that maybe we both feared. So it is done for another year. I sincerely hope I don't have to go through another one there.

And the world of jobs? Well contrary to what you may have been led to believe there are scores of jobs out there. Unfortunately they fit into 2 categories:

1. I can't afford to take them
2. I wouldn't even be invited to meet them as I'm not part of the social work/mental health nursing mafia

But I do have connections and when time permits I will put out feelers. In the mean time it is quite simple, I go to work, I come home from work, and it is just a job. Now that is a radical change for me.

I Heard a Voice

A Fennel Famine.

There is something marvellous about fennel. In both seed and bulb form it is one of my favourite ingredients. It goes particularly well with pork and every time I buy my favoured cut of the pig I always buy fennel to go with it. Actually I have 2 cuts of pig I love, shoulder and belly; fennel goes with both. I have been hunting for a fennel bulb since Saturday but alas there is none to be found in my corner of Hertfordshire.

I'm not too good with seasonal produce. That is especially true at this time of year with turnips, swedes, squashes and parsnips not in my life-can't stand them actually. I don't know the fennel season but given what is available in supermarkets even of dubious quality, I'm amazed I can't find any. I will have to think of another way to use my left over shoulder.

It has not made me too downcast, I am downcast already. My stuckness and disillusionment goes on with nothing on the horizon. I feel depressed but not ill. There was one bright spot today when I met a former student who rested last year who has returned. It was a revelation to see such a young man turn his life around in a year after a very deep depression. None of that was down to me but it proves if you find the right person-and he did-many things can happen.

2 days to go until the weekend and precious sleep. In between I get to see my beloved Rams live on Thursday night. Not strictly true as I will be in bed and having to record it. Yet it is so nice to have chance to see them after not a single televised game accessible for me last season.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice.