There is a cold wind outside. The sun has been around on a cold autumn day but I felt the chill on my short venture out into the world. That merely meant a drive out to The Rose and Crown at Tewin for a pint then a tough drive back into the sun.
I woke after a rough night of anxiety fuelled dreams. All is not well with me today. My fears from Friday's work are haunting me. What might have been? Did I get things so very wrong? Feels like it is crowding in on my present. Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest not of worry. Added to which I think my boiler is once again faltering. It keeps clicking on and off. The pressure is fluctuating and my fear is growing.
Shakiness has plagued me at times ever since I became unwell all those years ago. Today it is intense. I'm trying to calm down with some opera but it's not really very effective. Tension fills the air. Why oh why is anxiety so crippling?
It has to happen at a weekend when there is nothing I can do. Will the system collapse and leave me with no heating or hot water? Do I dare take a bath?
In the grand scheme of the world it means little. It will pass and will be fixed. Out there in that world politics is once again being engulfed in scandal. This seems to stem on from the Hollywood scandal. I don't think I would like to be in the public eye. Too easy to be shot at. I understand that there are clearly times when powerful men can be threatening to those weaker than themselves. I have no reason to disbelieve what is being said but I cannot see a solution.
What I do know is that casual sexism is not just confined to men. Some of the things that are said in my office in jest would not be utterable by me. I would be up in a disciplinary hearing were I to make comments about women that I regularly hear from some women. I'm not at all bothered by that but it is a strange world. Unequal yes but not always in the obvious way. It is sometimes hard to hear statements of equality that are one sided.
I don't really know what I'm writing about today and feel I'm rambling aimlessly. Not sure even why I decided to post today. It's not my best day but I guess I can write on good and bad. Today feels bad. Let us hope tomorrow is better.
I Heard a Voice.
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