That Autumn.

As the heat of summer dissipates, the days get shorter and a chill is in the air I always cast my mind back to the early autumn of 1988.

A lonely, clever but angry young man was in East Kent was preparing to go to Cambridge. I was kind of confident but fear also stalked me. Is it really 35 years since I was prepared for Selwyn?

Looking back now my life was already wracked with anxiety. That sense of struggling to fit in. That expectation that everyone piled on me. That weight I put on myself. That burden of others glorying in my achievements. 

Oddly enough I have fond memories of that autumn. The truth when I got to Cambridge in October was that I spent a year desperately lonely, too frightened to make new friends, too uncomfortable at all the parties I was invited to because I played rugby. And too overwhelmed. 

I got through though before another very lonely summer in 1989.

None of us can rewind the clock. 33 years of mental illness have punctuated my life. Cambridge came and went. I had a breakdown. I was locked up and eventually told I was untreatable. 

Who would have known that was my fate? Other than as it transpired my cousin Cedric who years later told me he always knew I'd have a break. 

On this quiet Saturday afternoon in my small part of Hertfordshire people view me as a wise man. Am I wise? Towards others maybe but towards me no. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sultry Saturday, Grey Sunday.

The shift from summer to autumn has come today. After some time of warm humid conditions a change is in the air. 

You find me at home listening to Mozart's La Clemenza Di Tito and just taking things easy. 

After my last post a couple of weeks ago mentally I've improved. Not flying but in a good place. 

A lot of that has to do with Charlotte coming back into my life after months of deafening silence. 

I've had enough people walk away from my life with no warning so it was hard having months of absence. 

Whilst others hold me in high regard I do not. Always overthinking and second guessing myself I usually end up thinking I've done something terrible to others when actually it is usually issues they have and not me.

Having her back lights up my day even though life remains fraught with vulnerability for both of us. 

I have decided to make a change over recent Sunday habits and eat this evening. This allows me a chance to have a pint in The White Horse at Welwyn. Been a while. 

There will be roast duck leg with roast potatoes and vegetables tonight. Nice glass of Chianti with that.

Have a lovely Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Sinking Fast.

Sunday morning with the sun shining. Madame Butterfly plays, some belly pork is in the oven and I'm trying to make sense of yesterday. 

After several weeks of mental stability my mood fell through the floor. I've always said that we never remember how low we can get when doing well. But then it comes and the world sinks and descends into darkness. 

It didn't hope that I was isolated most of the day and when I did go out the level of aggression and cocaine and testosterone mixed with alcohol by some of the people there threw me.

A day on I'm feeling better. A passing reminder that for all the alleged inspiration of my journey sometimes the darkness bites back. 

Not seen anyone today yet but I will later. I must admit I'm looking forward to my lunch. 

The holiday is drawing to an end. Sixteen years ago today I started at the university. What a long time ago that was.

With that I take my leave of you all. Promise me you will all look after your mental health; it's very precious and can be fragile. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Year Older.

Greetings on a grey autumnal day. Summer is over and there is chill in the air.

There are but a few days left of my summer holiday. I've been to Kent, I've been to London and I have generally indulged.

On Wednesday I turned 54. Miriam took me out to lunch at The Waggoners. Beautiful food, beautiful day.

It has been good to be off. Not much planned today except get a phone upgrade. That fills me with anxiety. I have no idea how to get on the WiFi at home. Neither do I know passwords to get on things. Do they still offer to transfer apps, messages and pictures? Too many questions and too much fear.

Over the weekend I will cook and I will sort. Beef short rib tomorrow and roast belly pork on Sunday. 

My final day off is Monday. It has gone so quickly. The autumn and winter will be hard, I will only have 4 days leave to us excluding Christmas which I've already booked. 

Have a great weekend everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Pickled Fig and Caramelised Goat's Cheese.

The sun show on us as we strolled along the beach this morning. I've escaped for my annual summer holiday to Kent. Dad and I took refreshments at The Waterfront. An E Type Jaguar was parked outside. I know little of cars but I knew that was special. 

Dad is now playing bowls and I have been a man of leisure. Stunning lunch of caramelised goat's cheese with pickled figs and prosciutto with some local English fizz at The Truffle Pig then shopping for the planned roast beef tonight. 

Two years ago today my life changed. A 25 minute interview, a 10 minute break then the call that allowed me to finally escape the university. 

Who could have known the tormented and tumultuous journey that ensued but I don't regret any of it.

Today I'm still standing, still thinking, still making a difference and still just being me.

My journey back from the seaside is sadly tomorrow but I don't have to work until 5th September. 

Enjoy your summer!

I Heard a Voice. 

A Sigh of Relief.

Haydn plays as this Sunday morning slips into Sunday afternoon. You find me home alone. The flat feels tranquil after the high tension of last week. 

Last time I was on here my life was lonely and frightening. Sudden urgent health referrals will unsettle anyone. And I was unsettled. 

On Friday I went into hospital for a procedure that we hoped would bring clarity. The NHS staff were amazing. By 12.50 pm I was home relieved and exhausted. Whilst we still don't know what is wrong with me we do know what it isn't. There is no sign of the feared tumour. 

Uncomfortable though the rest of Friday was, they warned me about abdominal pain, the relief was huge. Mentally the dark clouds that had enveloped me lifted.

So the weekend commenced. My friend Emma and her family have been visiting. Friday we dined on Malaysian food. Yesterday we went to St Albans, lovely Greek lunch, a wander in the market, going around the Abbey and then a couple of beers. 

They are picking me up from home to lunch at The Waggoners before they return to Kent. Roast beef it is.

I only have a week of work until my summer holiday. Well needed. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Alone and Bewildered.

The rains have been coming down most the day. It's cold and miserable. What happened to August?

A couple of weeks short of my 54th birthday my life is once again at a crossroads. I do not know which way to turn. The road is shrouded in fog. The destination unknown. 

My life has stabilised somewhat in recent months. Now turbulence is once again upon me.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up with what felt like a constricted throat. I was not in pain. More that I had something stuck in my throat. 

Last Wednesday the symptoms increased and I stayed home. For two days I tried in vain to get a GP appointment. 

Yesterday I saw a GP. Lovely young woman who had just started her rotation at my surgery the day before. 

Within hours and urgent referral to ENT had been made, bloods and chest x ray organised. 

My mind was on fire yesterday. None of my friends were around as they are off camping. I was left alone with my thoughts. 

I feel lonely and bewildered. My mind is not torrential as it was. But I'm hanging in there.

The coming couple of weeks may see the mist parting. I may be fine. I may not be fine. What I do know is that 33 years of mental illness has shown me resilience, strength and a remarkable ability to survive. 

Whatever happens I will take it a day at a time and I will fight.

I Heard a Voice.