Words to Humble Me.

So much of my life is underpinned by self doubt, self fear and self criticism. Those terrible anxious dreams that once again cut my sleep have left me unsettled on this beautiful summer day.

Yet I take heart from those around me who praise me, are inspired by me and supported by me. I am humbled by what people say.

The past few weeks when I've been away from my largely unnoticed online presence there has been a lot of praise and gratitude for what I do for others. 

Later today I must go into battle once again for an old friend facing the darkest of outcomes for her family. In 2017 when dad was so desperately ill she came through for me at 3 am. Now I can reciprocate. 

On this Sunday I plan to do little the rest of the time. I'm listening to Carmen, I'm reading and I will cook roast beef later. Maybe also a walk in the woods.

Enjoy your Sunday if you should stumble across this post.

I Heard a Voice. 

Rain Stops Play.

The drizzle falls outside. It is cold. And it is grey. After a mainly glorious long weekend to celebrate the Queen's platinum jubilee it has turned into an underwhelming end.

Once again I'm reminded just how quickly the weekend goes even when it has an extra two days.

My sleep has been interrupted during the break by obsessional worries about work. Last time I worked it was a day of meetings,  contradictory messages and doubt. What will tomorrow bring?

That aside I've had a pretty good time. My friend Charlotte came to visit on Wednesday. Hadn't seen her since August. We had a lovely Turkish dinner then stayed up late drinking Medoc. Getting a bit too old for really late ones.

The pub had a jubilee party on Friday and yesterday we attended my friend Mel's 50th birthday party. So a pretty hectic few days.

So today I'm taking things gently, quietly and slowly. Mozart plays, I've done some reading. 

Later I will turn to dinner, slow roast shoulder of lamb today. 

Enjoy your Sunday everyone!

I Heard a Voice. 

Awaiting the Postman.

Once upon a time I used to write a lot of letters. With no Internet or texting, no e mail and no mobile phone that was what people did. I have a box on my desk filled with letters. The fateful journey that drove me into madness is recorded letter by letter in there.

Nearly 32 years later I can't remember when I last received a personal letter.  Neither have I written one. All those years of medication and the shakiness that brings has more or less destroyed my ability to write by hand. Oh what the world might be, fun to remember but we can never go back there.

Yet there is a very important letter somewhere in transit. Not to me but to my dad. The last two pieces of the puzzle of my imminent home ownership future is held up in the post.

Please Mr Postman, hurry up!

On this sunny Sunday afternoon though I can do nothing about that. All I can do is listen to Mozart, stay hydrated and contemplate roast pork later. Sarah is coming round for that 

This weekend has been a bit out of kilter. Both my plans for yesterday were thwarted. One by someone else's search for a property and the other by someone having a close exposure to covid. So no lunch with another Sarah and no visit from Charlotte. 

I'm not downhearted though. There will always be another day and another weekend. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Beethoven on a Sunday Afternoon.

Hello from a mild but rather grey Hertfordshire. It is Sunday afternoon and thus far the day has been uneventful. I'm listening to a wonderful recording of Beethoven's Violin Sonatas and contemplating how fast the weekend has gone.

My week was mixed as I had something of an upset stomach on Tuesday. Infection control protocol required me to stay away from the office for three days. Although not feeling great I did manage to work from home.

Feeling better on Friday my long awaited return to presenting to a year 3 class occurred. And by all counts I triumphed.  That was a boost. 

Also last week I put in an offer on my flat. The agent has been away so no word yet but fingers crossed. 

On a glorious sunny and warm Saturday I met my friend Katherine and her little boy William and we went to a food festival. It was heaving but we had a lovely afternoon. 

Back to reality tomorrow. Can I carry over my good end to the week on into Monday?

Before then though there will be roast beef, looking forward to that.

I Heard a Voice. 

Stepping Forward.

Well May has definitely improved since my last post. Outside is glorious sunshine and brilliant blue sky.

You find me on Sunday afternoon tired but well. I really must not talk to friends until 3 am if I'm going to function for the upcoming week. 

The week that beckons will not be without its challenges. I have a meeting with my manager tomorrow...after last time I'm certainly not looking forward to that one.

I will also speak to the estate agent. I'm now in a position to make an offer. A late complication cropped up yesterday when I discovered the freeholder is redecorating and doing some work which I will be liable for. Funny how this was never mentioned by the owner or agent; even when I raised it. So that will drop the offer price.

For now though tomorrow can wait. I'm listening to Handel's Saul and have read the paper. 

Must have some lunch soon followed by a walk in the sunshine. Then at 4 pm a beautiful piece of belly pork will go in the oven. I will season it with thyme, sage and salt and serve it with roast potatoes, carrots, tenderstem broccoli and peas, some gravy and a little apple sauce. 

Have a good Sunday everyone and hope your working week goes well.

I Heard a Voice. 

Grey May.

On a very grey May Day I'm here to say hello. Around the world people celebrate this day. Sadly I'm in no mood for celebration. 

My life has spiralled since I was last on here. Just over a week ago the estate agent that manages my flat called out of the blue saying it is to sold. That blew my mind, overwhelmed my capacity to think and unleashed the most terrible anxiety. 

Family and friends are rallying round in these dark times. It helps but doesn't take away that awful sense of dread. 

We're working on a plan to try to buy it. God it's grown up thinking like that. I never believed I'd own a home. Maybe it won't come off but we will try.

I did make it to work last week but it was very hard. With the long weekend I don't have to worry about that until Tuesday. 

There is nothing I can do today so will try to live in the now. My lovely friend Ros always espouses the power of mindfulness. Can I keep going with that?

Mozart plays, roast chicken awaits and I must focus on that.

I Heard a Voice. 

Age Old Doubt.

My holiday is drifting towards its inevitable conclusion. All too quickly. There have been good times but a lot has gone wrong. In fact yesterday nothing went right.

There followed a terrible night of insomnia interrupted by short periods of sleep and awful dreams. All my doubts and fears have been revisited.

Looking back over the last six weeks my fearful being has been battered again and again. The way one bad thing follows another, then another. 

This has left me feeling pretty vulnerable. I'm constantly overthinking and my long learned lessons and techniques to master mental instability do not seem to be working. 

Glimpses of good do appear sometimes. That helps but they are often fleeting. Keeping occupied is usually a good strategy. Indeed I have done some cleaning since I got home on Tuesday. Little triumphs.

What if questions plagued my life for too long. I thought I'd beaten that with Risperidone. Yet today and in recent days it is very evident. 

My many friends are trying to reassure me but feeling depressed always makes me feel worthless. And that doubt, terrible doubt.

I'm hoping today's plan comes off. A trip to Misya this evening with my barrister friend Mark. And tomorrow I get to have a "blather' with my now retired therapist. He's always wise.

I Heard a Voice.