You find me on an early Saturday evening in late summer listening to Aida, preparing for a rare steak and with an unusual amount of time on my hands. Contrary to the norm I'm having an extra long weekend.
Yesterday was old Joe's funeral. Huge turn out as expected. High emotions and glimpses of errors of the past. I'm hoping though that we gave him the send off he deserved.
With a couple of days left to use up I will be off on Monday and Tuesday as well. Nice that my usual growing of anxiety which normally begins on Saturday night is nowhere to be seen.
I think my mood is okay. I don't feel anxious at all. Just a time to relax with Verdi, some more of my book and a fine glass of Bordeaux with my steak.
Just been chatting to the lovely Jayne in Cambridge. Got slightly mixed up over a visit I may make after my birthday. But there will be another time for a weekend together. Our conversation was cut cut short by the exuberance of her 5 year old James but so be it. He will only be young once.
Tomorrow I may head for the Farmers' Market at Hatfield House. I never made it to the food festival a few weeks back. Even now though a visit is entirely dependent on what time I get up; sleep is too precious to give up. If I don't make it I have lovely free range chicken to cook anyway tomorrow. Some nice Albarino too.
As summer wanes we make the best of what is left. In 10 days I turn 47, each year it surprises me the speed at which I age. We are all the same. I'm hoping to meet dad on the day to take him to Borough Market and perhaps a nice lunch at Brindisa. He's never been so I think he is looking forward to it.
I Heard a Voice.
Saturday, 20 August 2016
Sunday, 14 August 2016
Waning Days.
Can you believe that any minute now the English Test Match cricket season will be over? I say any minute, England will lose it is just matter of time. A glorious series which I have enjoyed very much. It marks the waning of summer along with slightly chillier evenings, darkness coming earlier and shops full of return to school offers.
On yet another quiet Sunday I'm reading and cooking. Slow roast lamb today and I'm going to make my own mint sauce following a recipe I saw on TV. I do have the urge to drive to a country pub but will resist.
Finally managed to fit in a trip to London yesterday afternoon. It didn't exactly go to plan but in the end I did get to meet up with Kiwi Sarah, did the BP Portrait Award Exhibition, bought my ethnic football guide and had ribs in Chinatown. Trying to get home was precarious with a severe lack of train crew available and tempers rising but make it I did.
Following advice from my manager I am taking a long weekend next time up. So I will go to Joe's funeral on Friday then rest and chill on Monday and Tuesday. Hoping that will do my mental wellbeing some good.
Also likely to do some good is the possibility I will get a chance to catch up with Ros after that. Always enjoy our reunions. Take care out there as summer wanes. And enjoy what is left.
I Heard a Voice.
On yet another quiet Sunday I'm reading and cooking. Slow roast lamb today and I'm going to make my own mint sauce following a recipe I saw on TV. I do have the urge to drive to a country pub but will resist.
Finally managed to fit in a trip to London yesterday afternoon. It didn't exactly go to plan but in the end I did get to meet up with Kiwi Sarah, did the BP Portrait Award Exhibition, bought my ethnic football guide and had ribs in Chinatown. Trying to get home was precarious with a severe lack of train crew available and tempers rising but make it I did.
Following advice from my manager I am taking a long weekend next time up. So I will go to Joe's funeral on Friday then rest and chill on Monday and Tuesday. Hoping that will do my mental wellbeing some good.
Also likely to do some good is the possibility I will get a chance to catch up with Ros after that. Always enjoy our reunions. Take care out there as summer wanes. And enjoy what is left.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday, 10 August 2016
Another Day in Paradise.
Under leaden skies I set out once again into the fray this morning. The evening chill too gave hint of autumn to come. Soon I will see the mists rising on the Mimram as I drive in. That chill is comforting for me in a way. In another it brings terror. There was a time when the coming of the new academic year brought about a mini mania, my buzzy times of supreme confidence that I was equal to that fray. And fray it is. But not today.
As I drove that short 10 minutes in with Simon and Garfunkel playing I reflected on yesterday. It was a glimpse of that fray to come. We were in London to risk assess. It is a busy bustling city which rarely slows down in the day. Not often I'm there in the week but walking from King's Cross to Euston I saw the detritus of a world that cares for some but not others. We may have the fifth biggest economy in the world but there are many poor and deprived. And tragically many live on the streets. We saw a young man on the corner with a begging cup in front of him crying his eyes out loudly. How could the world reject those cries? But the world did and walked along. There were others too in our short walk.
Phil Collins released the haunting Another Day in Paradise more than 20 years ago. But have we changed? I noticed last time I shopped that there was a box to put food for a nearby food bank. Next time I will buy extra for that. What to buy I don't know but I can spare a little so will do so.
In my world many are only a few short stops from the streets. The homeless population contains a large proportion of mentally ill people. As each year passes I see more and more students who go down that route when studies do not work out for them. It makes me ashamed but I'm powerless to do anything. That I guess is the real fray not whether I can cope with the next crisis, or demand, or expectation.
I suppose I have come out of the last recession relatively unscathed. I still have a job and the place to live even if I'm not happy with either at times. How different my life might have been. How different will the lives be of my old Kent friends who rely so much on kindness of friends, activists and families. I worry for some of my friends when mum or dad or both die. This world even now is not very forgiving of the mentally ill. As the press peddle myths that stark justify yourself and earn your place pervades and the most vulnerable suffer.
My influence on public policy is negligible. But I try hard with those I do support. And so on a now sunny August evening with Handel's Saul playing I am at peace. Let that continue when the storm breaks with the misty mornings, the chill and the moisture of autumn come for real.
I Heard a Voice.
As I drove that short 10 minutes in with Simon and Garfunkel playing I reflected on yesterday. It was a glimpse of that fray to come. We were in London to risk assess. It is a busy bustling city which rarely slows down in the day. Not often I'm there in the week but walking from King's Cross to Euston I saw the detritus of a world that cares for some but not others. We may have the fifth biggest economy in the world but there are many poor and deprived. And tragically many live on the streets. We saw a young man on the corner with a begging cup in front of him crying his eyes out loudly. How could the world reject those cries? But the world did and walked along. There were others too in our short walk.
Phil Collins released the haunting Another Day in Paradise more than 20 years ago. But have we changed? I noticed last time I shopped that there was a box to put food for a nearby food bank. Next time I will buy extra for that. What to buy I don't know but I can spare a little so will do so.
In my world many are only a few short stops from the streets. The homeless population contains a large proportion of mentally ill people. As each year passes I see more and more students who go down that route when studies do not work out for them. It makes me ashamed but I'm powerless to do anything. That I guess is the real fray not whether I can cope with the next crisis, or demand, or expectation.
I suppose I have come out of the last recession relatively unscathed. I still have a job and the place to live even if I'm not happy with either at times. How different my life might have been. How different will the lives be of my old Kent friends who rely so much on kindness of friends, activists and families. I worry for some of my friends when mum or dad or both die. This world even now is not very forgiving of the mentally ill. As the press peddle myths that stark justify yourself and earn your place pervades and the most vulnerable suffer.
My influence on public policy is negligible. But I try hard with those I do support. And so on a now sunny August evening with Handel's Saul playing I am at peace. Let that continue when the storm breaks with the misty mornings, the chill and the moisture of autumn come for real.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday, 7 August 2016
Is It Really That Long?
Facebook does all sorts of weird and wonderful things. Some good, some not so good. I never really use it to its full potential and am not quite so obsessed with social media as many of my students. Glancing on there today it popped up with a 5 year anniversary. Yes 5 years ago today whilst listening to the Messiah I wrote the first chapter of Charon's Ferry. Although it seems to have died without trace now I'm still glad I wrote it. Whilst sales have been almost non existent in recent weeks should you be interested it is available on this link:
All looks a bit long winded doesn't it but please forgive and allow my Sunday self righteous indulgence that whilst I'm never going to be a great success I did write 2 books and am very proud to have done so.
Books aside a quiet Sunday is unfolding. The pork is slow roasting ready for later. The cricket could still yield a result for England. The thought of a country pub seems most enticing. And I'm not at work. No reason at all to complain with that for a lovely day.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend and may the week to come be productive and stress free.
I Heard a Voice.
Saturday, 6 August 2016
The Indulgence of Summer.
Hello again. My silence since Wednesday has not been owing to still being in the unexpected mire. Fortunately I bounced back from that aberration fairly quickly. It is true that the rest of the week was dull and dragged but I made it.
Now in glorious summer sunshine I'm chilling with Pimm's and cricket. The last 2 days have been beautiful, sunny but not overwhelmingly hot and not too much of that awful humidity of late. It wasn't entirely a lazy day, shopping and cleaning took up some time but it has that feel of a really chilled day.
I've been thinking of my friend Ros who has escaped the life of England to a wonderful holiday in Brittany. I've never actually been there but from what she reports and what I have glimpsed on the TV is looks heavenly. Certainly an opportunity to continue my slow but relentless reintroduction to fish and seafood after mum's excesses for all those years put me off for what I thought would be life.
Simplicity will be the driver in the kitchen tonight. Just some chicken thighs baked with thyme, garlic and rosemary, baby new potatoes, organic carrots (they still have mud on them), cauliflower and French beans. Then tomorrow's Sunday indulgence will be pork slow roasted on a bed of fennel. Looking forward to that.
Next week takes me to London for work, that will make a change. I'm hope the week doesn't drag as much as this one has. See you all at some point then.
I Heard a Voice.
Now in glorious summer sunshine I'm chilling with Pimm's and cricket. The last 2 days have been beautiful, sunny but not overwhelmingly hot and not too much of that awful humidity of late. It wasn't entirely a lazy day, shopping and cleaning took up some time but it has that feel of a really chilled day.
I've been thinking of my friend Ros who has escaped the life of England to a wonderful holiday in Brittany. I've never actually been there but from what she reports and what I have glimpsed on the TV is looks heavenly. Certainly an opportunity to continue my slow but relentless reintroduction to fish and seafood after mum's excesses for all those years put me off for what I thought would be life.
Simplicity will be the driver in the kitchen tonight. Just some chicken thighs baked with thyme, garlic and rosemary, baby new potatoes, organic carrots (they still have mud on them), cauliflower and French beans. Then tomorrow's Sunday indulgence will be pork slow roasted on a bed of fennel. Looking forward to that.
Next week takes me to London for work, that will make a change. I'm hope the week doesn't drag as much as this one has. See you all at some point then.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday, 3 August 2016
An Old Adage
There are many old adages we associate with mental health. Perhaps the most commonly quoted is that on the bad days it is a struggle to even get out of bed. Despite a few close and tired shaves with that adage since my return from winter hibernation there have not been too many of those days. Then this morning arrived.
Completely out of the blue after a troubled night's sleep I woke filled with terror and couldn't move. I just wanted to be swallowed up by someone or something to take away that dread of not be able to function. My mood plummeted, my anxiety soared and for several minutes I lay motionless but mind aflame. I can't do this anymore. My mind was screaming.
What to do? Turn over. Retreat into a world of chemically induced emptiness? Run? Get up? Face that terrifying world? In the end I did the last of these options and went in. Driven mainly by fear of what people will think of another day off sick I braved the empty storm of summer at the university.
Several hours later I'm home. I have no idea what to do with myself. Do I eat? Stare at the TV? Read? What? Tired and empty. But I am relieved that I made it through the day. And the only really meaningful action of the day proved to my hesitant mind that when I'm good I'm really good. So why don't I believe myself?
Only 2 days ago I was at +2. Now I'm in free fall. The question is where will I come to rest? And when and where do I bounce back? Let us hope it is tomorrow.
I Heard a Voice.
Completely out of the blue after a troubled night's sleep I woke filled with terror and couldn't move. I just wanted to be swallowed up by someone or something to take away that dread of not be able to function. My mood plummeted, my anxiety soared and for several minutes I lay motionless but mind aflame. I can't do this anymore. My mind was screaming.
What to do? Turn over. Retreat into a world of chemically induced emptiness? Run? Get up? Face that terrifying world? In the end I did the last of these options and went in. Driven mainly by fear of what people will think of another day off sick I braved the empty storm of summer at the university.
Several hours later I'm home. I have no idea what to do with myself. Do I eat? Stare at the TV? Read? What? Tired and empty. But I am relieved that I made it through the day. And the only really meaningful action of the day proved to my hesitant mind that when I'm good I'm really good. So why don't I believe myself?
Only 2 days ago I was at +2. Now I'm in free fall. The question is where will I come to rest? And when and where do I bounce back? Let us hope it is tomorrow.
I Heard a Voice.
Monday, 1 August 2016
Trusted Friends and How it Once Was.
A light drizzle has been gently falling for the past couple of hours. So many days in recent weeks have promised storms that never came. And finally cutting through the heavy air I feel refreshed by its gentle fall.
What a strange day. I went to the Doctor to get my foot looked at. Quite what asking me twice if I smoke and how much I drink have to do with an infected toe I have no idea. Late in most were not there. A quiet morning with no pressure followed by an interlude looking but not buying much at the Galleria. I did come away with two books but they were free on my long neglected Christmas voucher card. Then back for a meeting with one of my oldest and most trusted allies.
Spending an hour and half with her reminded my why I do what I do. I have often said I have many allies but those with the power to help choose not to. But a year on from her elevation to exalted height I was back with someone to trust, who understands what I do and will given time back me.
On Thursday we will hold court together on some training. She wants me to tell my story. She recognises that that is the power. And so a day in which for a while my faith in humanity, compassion and empathy was restored.
Later on a tricky issue I had superb help and interaction with a trainee social worker on a placement that answered all I hoped it would and more. There are some great people out there.
I think today my mood has breached +2 for the first time in a while. I hope it continues.
I Heard a Voice
What a strange day. I went to the Doctor to get my foot looked at. Quite what asking me twice if I smoke and how much I drink have to do with an infected toe I have no idea. Late in most were not there. A quiet morning with no pressure followed by an interlude looking but not buying much at the Galleria. I did come away with two books but they were free on my long neglected Christmas voucher card. Then back for a meeting with one of my oldest and most trusted allies.
Spending an hour and half with her reminded my why I do what I do. I have often said I have many allies but those with the power to help choose not to. But a year on from her elevation to exalted height I was back with someone to trust, who understands what I do and will given time back me.
On Thursday we will hold court together on some training. She wants me to tell my story. She recognises that that is the power. And so a day in which for a while my faith in humanity, compassion and empathy was restored.
Later on a tricky issue I had superb help and interaction with a trainee social worker on a placement that answered all I hoped it would and more. There are some great people out there.
I think today my mood has breached +2 for the first time in a while. I hope it continues.
I Heard a Voice
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