Trains Stop Play.

I am supposed to be in London now. My friend Krishna and I haven't seen each other since last summer. Sadly the trains, or lack of them, put paid to our planned reunion. A real shame as I was very much looking forward to seeing her.

In truth it has been an out of sorts kind of day. I couldn't get out of bed, simply too tired. When I did emerge the anxiety was lurking inside and I was outwardly restless. Yes the cricket is on but I seem to have lost interest in that too.

After a quick wander round town and spending nothing I took myself out The White Horse at Welwyn for a nice pint of Adnam's Southwold - good ale that. In a way I wish I had eaten there, there was a lovely looking specials board. But alas no.

On the plus side the day before pay day proved that I had not been quite as profligate as I feared this month - money left over. But then again I need to buy my Euros on Wednesday so it all helps.

My mood needs to be better tomorrow, seeing the lovely Sarah - she always cheers me up. Enjoy the rest of the holiday.

I Heard a Voice.

And So It Begins.

There is a distinctly cooling breeze out on this grey overcast day. So far I have only been out to buy a paper but I will venture out again shortly.

I emerged from my bed dazed, disorientated and troubled. It had been a bad night for dreams, angst and anxiety filled memories of mum and what I have not managed to achieve at work. It was only a matter of time before the holiday anxiety kicked in. And now it has.

Why do I get like this? I know we will have fun yet there is so much that can go wrong. It probably won't of course, anxiety tells me extreme untruths not moderate truths. The older I get the more I realise that behind the anger mum was crippled with fear. And now I can't seem to shake it.

I have invited Gary and Ali for roast beef later. He has just completed a commendable sponsored walk to and from The Plume of Feathers at Tewin 5 times in a day. He's very good at raising money like that. Yet as I write I'm not sure I want any company. The desire to be alone haunts me sometimes. I have enough practice living as I do but sometimes I want to shut the door, switch the phone off and take a break from the world.

With luck it is just a passing fear. I need to be better tomorrow as I'm off to Covent Garden to meet my friend Krishna. In the mean time I have my cricket, Sri Lanka finally making a fight of it, and perhaps a jaunt to a country pub.

I Heard a Voice.

Holiday is Here.

Welcome to a warm Bank Holiday Saturday. The Test match is on, England are on top, the sun is shining and I'm finally getting a break from work. The dark days pre Christmas seem a long time ago thank goodness. I've not taken any leave really since the break for Christmas. Easter came and went. And on I marched. It is fine to be feeling so much better. But I need a rest.

The trip to Naples is drawing nigh. Not anxious yet, let's hope it stays away. I'm waiting for pay day on Tuesday so get my euros and a few bits and pieces.

Monday takes me to Covent Garden to meet my friend Krishna. She was a student of mine for some time but now we are friends. Tuesday takes me to The White Horse at Burnham Green for lunch with my friend Sarah. She is always good company with her big smile and positive take on everything. Her kindness to people puts me to shame.

Early days of course but it will no doubt fly by. There is cooking to be done-liver tonight and roast beef tomorrow-and Pimm's to be made. Thank goodness for holidays.

I Heard a Voice.

Learning Week.

Some of our students get a reading week during term time. I'm not sure what the rationale for that is but I'm not sure too many of them do too much reading. I don't read enough but I do have a philosophy that says learn something every day and learn something from everyone I meet. Good motives and much of the time it works.

Entering my final week before my holiday I wasn't overly motivated or interested in learning too much. Meeting I didn't relish and training that I thought might not teach me much. But I was wrong on both counts.

On Monday I learned a new term that I rather liked. Dual experience. You will all know my views on them and us and us and them. What do we call those of us who are both? Well art therapy uses the term dual experience. My views on therapy are not very charitable but I do like that.

Then on to today and a course on young people and on line safety. I was really impressed. And it did something I didn't expect which was to allow the disparate parts of Student Wellbeing to talk openly about their experiences. There was a notable lack of counsellors but they were all on strike. I came away pleased with the day and amazed quite how much I do use technology despite my well voiced fears.

My issue of the election could not be solved electronically so paper, pen and stamp played a part. How disappointing that was.

Now more than half way through the week I had a lovely roast chicken dinner, a glass of Albarino along with my beloved Mozart. And after this back to reading and learning. What will I learn tomorrow?

I Heard a Voice.

A Redundant Afternoon.

My plan such as it was was to watch the Test match at Headingley all afternoon with a lazy Sunday. However, England having demolished Sri Lanka inside 3 days including breaks for rain and bad light has led to a change in my afternoon activities. Opera back on the menus today, Haydn for a change. The paper is all but read, just the magazine to go, and now I'm left with a redundant afternoon. So what to do?

I did sit down and write something for the HPUFT governor election. They don't exactly make it easy to submit electronically. I hope I don't lose out because of a flawed nomination process. How much of that is down to my IT frailties I don't know. But given that there are 11 public governor places up for grabs I hope I'm in with a chance.

The low day yesterday led me early to bed. Once again though the nightmares bit back. Ironic really in that yesterday marked 2 years since I gave up smoking and in the main my nightmares stopped. I don't really like dreaming.

Mood wise though I feel a little better. Yesterday was my first venture into minus territory for a couple of weeks. Maybe I will nudge a plus 1 today if I'm lucky.

I am looking forward to my roast gammon later. I've not bought it from the butcher before so a new adventure. I think I might go for a walk after the Haydn has finished-back to Sunday exercise.

I Heard a Voice.

Exotic Arabia.

London is a real melting pot of people from all over the world. We seem to define ourselves by faith, ethnicity or nationality. We have the Vietnamese in Hackney, the West Indians in Brixton, the Bangladeshis in the east end, the Jewish population in Golders Green, the Indians in west London and so many others. At Edgeware we find the Arabs and that is where I was on Thursday.

It seemed so exotic like Beirut, or Baghdad or Aleppo in happier times. Arab supermarkets, shisha cafes, kebab restaurants all over. And everywhere Arab men passing the time. Be interesting to see it on a Friday.

Tempted as I was to indulge in Middle Eastern mystery I was on another mission. Yes the boys from Selwyn were meeting for Thai curry. What a lovely night, old friends and memories. I wish we could do it more often. Maybe next time we will indulge in Arab hospitality.

I have had a busy week for going out. Last night we went to China Sky from work. My friend Madeline and I decided to go the whole hog as it were and ordered pig's colon. Deep fried with chilli, peppercorns and sesame it was okay with a weird after taste. Not sure I will order it again but I'm glad I tried.

The week itself was not very easy. It dragged on but we got there. Only a week to go before I have a break.

Sadly this morning I woke up feeling flat and low. Bad dream induced I have felt somewhat restless all day. I did go out, a little shopping and a cheese on toast lunch, but now home on a humid afternoon. Rain has stopped play in the cricket. I did manage some cleaning and washing but that is it. I should really be working on my governor nomination for HPFT. Yes I'm up for re-election. But not enough energy today.

In the kitchen I will being having chorizo, Serrano ham and roasted red peppers with a salad dressed in sherry vinegar for supper. A rare effort from Jamie Oliver. Tomorrow I will roast some gammon. Let's hope the mood is better then.

I Heard a Voice.

Sitting Uneasily on the Fence.

There is a very fine and uneasy line to toe when one works in mental health and has a mental illness. During the dark days I swore I would never work in that field. In truth I never thought I would work at all. But I was so angry with those who let me down that I raged inanely to no avail other than to prolong my own madness.

Fate and stigma took me down the route I'm on now. Stigma as so many in my chosen profession chose to reject my talents for fear of my madness. I entered the profession by chance at the very bottom and within a week they were trying to get me to change sides.

There has long been a wall, barrier, fence, barbed wire encampment between us and them. Or is it them and us? Pulled in both directions by those who saw me as a colleague and those who saw me as their friend. Some say I betrayed us. Others that I'm too close to them. So who am I?

I have tried to balance atop that great barrier and stay put looking both ways. Yet when I came to the University it was me on my own. I was pulling the trigger that led to people being locked up. I had to champion the needs of many over the one. And that was tough. I jokingly say I finally grew up when I came here. I was a one man CMHT and crisis team rolled into one.

It does not feel good leaning too hard on the side of them. Today I had to do that and feel awful about it. Wielding what little power I have is so unpleasant. Yet I have little choice.

Home now listening to Mozart's String Quintet in C Major the uneasiness hasn't dissipated. I'm not sure it will.

I Heard a Voice.