Wet and Wind Swept!

I write today from dad's house. The wind is howling, the rain squalling and it's very dark and gloomy-not the Garden of England at its best. I drove down yesterday to avoid the bad weather. Miriam has to work today so has to risk it tomorrow. Good luck to her, the Dartford Bridge has closed today. My trip was very pleasant, Sunday is a good day to drive.

The season of Christmas is almost upon us and I'm finally able to put aside thoughts of the university for a while. I've also given myself a week off study. Now I'm doing what I do best, party and cook. There is a pork and herb terrine cooking away in the bottom of the aga. I will leave it a couple of days to cool and weight it down for more compact finish. In the not too distant future-maybe an hour-I will start making beef in beer which will cook along merrily for a couple of hours. Tomorrow if and when Miriam and Nigel get here I will undertake my first ever curry goat. Definitely looking forward to that one although I'm not brave enough to use the purists scotch bonnet chillies!

Mentally I'm doing okay, maybe around +1 of my scale. Given recent events I can live with that. Forgot to do my mood diary before I came here so will have to catch up on my return.

On the day itself we are all going up to Beka's. There will be 10 of us. I'm only assisting with the food. I have finished my shopping but have a lot of wrapping to do-I hate wrapping.

Tomorrow I will blog a Christmas message. Another year gone, another year older. Take care out in the storm if you are UK based.

I Heard a Voice.

Whispers From a Distant Land.

Words can be so powerful. I try to create images with words in my books. The skill of my job is the use of words. Words can stun a room as they did the day we launched "A Pillar of Impotence" and the day we had mum's funeral. Yesterday I was struck silent-that is rare-by a voice from my past.

The voice is very significant as she knew me before my madness and also knew Rachel. The owner of that voice is someone I have looked for over the years after we lost touch in the mid to late 1990s. Yesterday she found me.

I know I really shouldn't read work e mails when I'm on holiday but I do scan. Yesterday morning I picked up an e mail from a name I didn't recognise entitled "a blast from the past". Intrigued I opened it and there was a message from someone I miss and whose kindness marked the early years of my madness and my poor response to that kindness. The mad aren't always nice, some like I was then are self obsessed.

She has ordered my book and seemed delighted that I am doing what I do, making a mark. But more importantly she said she was glad I was alive. Given how precarious life was in those days they were truly profound and moving words. She too has found her way in life overcoming many years of depression that I singularly failed to understand until madness hit me.

Those days are long gone, the people scattered, changed, and in different orbits to mine now. But it was nice to hear such a whisper from my past, from before and after. I am really glad she got in touch. Bit worried what she might make of the book though-as far as I'm aware no one from those days who knew has read it. Let us hope Rachel does not come searching too; she won't, of that I'm certain.

And to tonight. Work Christmas party. Not been since 2009. Hoping for a good night. For now I listen to "Aida" whilst I should be studying.

I Heard a Voice.

A Most Inauspicious Start.

My Christmas holiday began today a day late, with a blizzard of nightmares, news of the Ashes lost and total exhaustion. You can tell from my last post I was not very happy on Friday. My extra day at work did not go well, lasted 10 hours, and I didn't get home until 8.30 pm. Rare is the day I have to get people locked up but those are always the worst. But I did what I needed to do. Have to go in again tomorrow to collect my diary, get various tickets I need and to write up the debacle of the last few days.

With luck I will sleep better tonight. Tomorrow brings governor's drinks at Trust Head Office-still struggling with the idea that I am important in some circles-then a relaxed evening of curry and beer. I did manage to do some study, never thought I would take to on-line lectures but it was surprisingly useful.

As we are going to Beka's and there will be other guests for Christmas I need to do some extra shopping. Finances do not look going after an unplanned plumber visit and the admin-ripoff-fee on my final car payment on 20th. Then I will be free of debt.

My plan is to drive down to dad's on Sunday. Miriam comes on Tuesday so I need to think of all the culinary delights from the festive season. I'll let dad do the shopping. Before then I have the staff Christmas party and I need to do some more study. Shame I missed the Carol Service in Chelsea yesterday but it couldn't be helped. Nice to see some fight in England after the pathetic display in the first 3 Tests. Better luck on Boxing Day in Melbourne. I went to the MCG in 1983 although not for cricket. Richmond Tigers. Sadly I can't see the AFL here, got the wrong satellite package.

Might blog again tomorrow.

I Heard a Voice.

Holiday, What Holiday?

In theory I'm now on holiday until 6th January. However, owing to events, failures, and general incompetence which is beyond my control I now have to go to work on Monday. It will be a day of tough decisions. Yes those, the ones I don't make! Oh I forgot about that. So where are the decision makers? Where do you think?

I came home after Friday's debacle exhausted and raging. But I did not fire off the torrent of angry e mails my mind wanted. That might have been foolish. I'm certainly not at all happy. Then again though I'm only a humble bottom feeder. More important people than me make those tough decisions

On this quiet Sunday afternoon with the "Magic Flute" playing I'm focusing on calming down. What will be will be. In a rare departure for a Sunday I'm cooking a curry later. This owes more to expiry dates and not back until late on Friday than some radical shift in my behaviour. I will return to the Sunday roast next week when I will be with dad. In the meantime I have to do some academic reading. But that can wait until Tuesday. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Prelude to Judgement Day.

A few weeks into the first module of my MSc it has been an experience of mixed ups and downs. I go to each session feeling woefully unprepared. I'm then pleasantly surprised that I do get it. Then it is back to uncertainty. I have done some work and at times felt confident but until today that confidence had not been tested. Today we had to present an outline of our assignments on service improvement.

With an accompaniment of Wagner-God it goes on-I spent 3 hours last night fretting, doubting and thinking why on earth am I doing this. By about 10 pm I had 1100 words, an outline, and no idea if it was on the right lines. That doubt was further enhanced by re reading this morning. I thought it was shit.

Yet as I looked at previous projects it began to dawn on me that I was on the right track. The question was was I brave enough to present to my peers and tutor. The first 2 who presented were slated. So with great trepidation I volunteered to present. Apparently it was brilliant. I had got it. My tutor told me after that she had no worries at all. She enquired how I felt about presenting it to a dragon's den type panel as I will have to do in January. Facing year 9 in school has taught me never to fear such events. And with that I can march on. There will be doubts but I must trust myself.

The interesting thing is that it was not that the others didn't get it. It was just that they couldn't think in any other way apart from being a psychiatrist. How ironic is that, little me, who no one listened to for 10 years holding psychiatrists in awe. Strange too that they are now my friends. I'm learning more of that strange world. Let us hope they are receptive to change. They are all receptive to me-we are all students in that context. I wonder what it will be like if I relapse and am once again cast into the psychiatric system. Well they have to listen to me now-as a governor they accountable to me. Oh how my world has changed.

I only have 1 more day of work. 3 weeks off beckon to study, eat, drink, cook, and recharge. Then the onslaught begins again in January. Then too I face the dragons for real.

I Heard a Voice.

Missed me?

Have you missed me? It has been a whole week since I was last on here. My intention each evening for the last 6 days has been to blog. But it was not to be. It has been quite a week. So on a sunny Sunday morning to "The Marriage of Figaro" quietly playing I return to my loyal audience.

I come to you via "Othello", an important meeting, a carol service, a fine address by a controversial clergyman, Chinese food time 3, a study day, anxiety re that study, some Thai food, a visitor for dinner, a haircut, an MOT (it passed), and an idea from my dad about getting me nominated for a high profile award. So quite a week.

Thus I emerge a little closer to my holiday, only 1 more week of work, with something of a plan for the next month or so. I intend to recharge the batteries first and foremost followed by progression in the MSc. I should of course note on here the tragic death of a great man. I hope me fears that Nelson Mandela had been holding South Africa are without substance.

Back to today, I feel good. I will relish the Mozart, complete "Gabriel's Angel", find a little more out about the world and with luck have the contents of my survey for my MSc done and ready to send. There you go, a productive Sunday topped off with what I hope is some fine roast gammon. Have a great Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.

The Countdown Starts.

Rare are the occasions on which I attend church services these days. Wedding and funerals of course. Other than though nothing although I did go to King's a few weeks ago for evensong. The 2 services on which I would make exceptions are Remembrance Day and Advent Sunday. No chance of getting tickets for King's despite someone asking me recently if I got free tickets. In truth I've not been there since 1982. But there is a saving grace. And on this Advent Sunday I listened to the great recording I mentioned yesterday. A splendid way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

The countdown to Christmas starts here for me. In but 4 weeks it will all be over. I will visit dad and we have an away match at Beka's mum's this year for lunch. Let us hope we can match the glories of last year. It was superb then. I think I might get some white Rioja to bring along as we are eating chicken.

As for now I continue to listen to religious music and relax. The lamb goes in at 3 pm then eat about 7 pm. Tomorrow is a busy day; in fact all week is busy. I only have 2 weeks before my break. I do need to do some study then too. But Christmas is still Christmas so I will banish the thoughts of years ago into the new world I now inhabit. That is being well. Christmases are awful for depressed people. Thankfully those days appear past for the time being.

I Heard a Voice.