Happy Birthday!

Today would have been my mum's 81st birthday. It feels strange. Less than a year after she died I'm still not sure what I feel. I have gone beyond the 1 day at a time syndrome. It feels fluid but at times empty. Miriam had planned to go and see dad this weekend. He had planned to go to the crematorium but the weather has put paid to both plans.

As you may recall from yesterday's posts it was not a good day. I was left with racing thoughts and further disillusionment. I just wanted to walk out. Yet life is more complex than that; we cannot run from ourselves. I spoke at some length to my old friend and mentor Heather last night. She lost her husband last year too. She speaks to Chris and feels his presence. Perhaps I should do that with mum.

I slept the sleep of the dead last night. God did I need it. My lack of sleep has been going on for months. Sleeping until lunch time may not be normal for most but it is what I need when I'm not working. If I don't catch up the psychosis switch has a nasty habit of activating. Today I feel okay; just okay. I just ventured out into the snow filled outside. Conditions are better than I feared; had it been a work day I would have made it in. Tomorrow we are expecting another downpour.

Tonight I am doing Vietnamese ginger and honey chicken. I think Vietnamese food with its light, clean lines and preponderance of fresh herbs is my most favoured food. Should cook it more often. Before then I will listen to Puccini and wind down until tea time-Earl Grey I think today.

I Heard a Voice.

Still Snowing.

It has now been snowing here for 10 hours solidly. Only brave souls are on the road. As I mentioned in my earlier post I didn't risk going in. The decision was vindicated when a power cut to my office shut everything down at midday. Karen got home okay as did 2 others colleagues who contacted me. So why do I feel guilty? Well the phone has been going off all afternoon. I was trying to manage 4 way phone calls from my office, from Essex, from Stevenage, and desperately trying to get hold of other colleagues. The reason a potential missing person. I finally managed to get hold of his housemate at 4 pm to find he was indeed at home. Panic potentially over. But what next? By all accounts he remains ill and at risk. The question is where does the buck stop? I'm not sure of the answer to this. I guess we will work that out when we get back.

The university apparently remains open so maybe I should have gone in. I wonder if I will be slated for that? Time will tell I suppose.

So now a cold snowy weekend. I have a dish of potatoes, lamb, tomatoes, garlic, parsley and pecorino in the oven. It does smell good. I will review life in the morning, but my mind remains troubled.

I Heard a Voice.

Going Nowhere.

Here in the UK we have been bracing ourselves for heavy snow. We don't manage very well when it snows and I went to bed last night wondering what time I would need to leave work to get home safely. In the end I never made it at all. I woke up late-medication can be a bugger sometimes-looked out and all was clear. Bolting down a cup of coffee I decided to leave my lenses out today so I got there not too late. In the time I was in the bathroom the anticipated snow started and within 5 minutes the car park was covered. Rightly or wrongly I was not going to risk getting stuck or crashing my car. Hence the fact I'm stuck indoors. We are expecting it to be like this for the next 24 hours. I suspect it is only a matter of hours before they close the university. I do hope my friend Karen manages to get home on the bus.

Question is now what to do? I'm avidly watching the news to see how bad it gets. I'm trying to stay warm and contemplating an unexpected lunch of bacon and eggs. I planned ahead and my fridge is loaded with food. My friend Katherine, yes she of the book proofing fame, had planned to visit on Sunday for roast lamb. I very much doubt that will happen.

My mind is calm for now, a good thing after the tumult of recent months. But who knows what will happen next? I'm still nowhere near where I want to be. Will I regain my manic energy and drive? Sadly that has been missing for a long time. But I take heart from the fact that I have not been below -1 on my scale for some time.

I expect I will blog a fair bit in the next few days-not much else to do.

I Heard a Voice.

A Snowy Tuesday.

Well, the snow came. Not a huge amount but alarming driving home yesterday and almost lost the back end of my car near my flat. It is very hilly where I live so when the snow comes it is hard to get to the cleared main roads. They never grit down here.

You may notice that is unusual for me to blog on a Tuesday. There are 2 reasons for this. Firstly I'm usually out at the pub quiz. Secondly I'm often not in a good mood-too much self pity in the afternoon. That may sound cryptic but it is all I dare say on here.

Tonight I stayed in as my quiz friends could not make it. Actually nice to be in the warm on such a cold day. I'm watching the Food Channel and unusually for me watching Jamie Oliver. My mum fell in love with him the first time she saw his programme the Naked Chef. That was great but I have found him up and down since then. I have select books including his one on city breaks-it's very good. His trip to Andalusia is on at the moment. I love southern Spain but have not been since 2004. Even then it wasn't real Spain, Porto Banus maybe where the rich and famous hang out but have you ever tried to find real Spanish food there? If I wanted pasta I would go back to Florence.

Talking of pasta, my carbonara was almost a triumph. Just need to make one adjustment next time I do it. I will use the rest of the pecorino in Rick Stein's Easter lamb on Saturday. Perhaps I should invite a friend.

My mood is okay but nowhere near where I like it to be. But okay is better than low so I can live with that. For now, I'm off. See you all next time.

I Heard a Voice.

A Double Century.

Welcome to the 200th post of the Voices Did My Head In blog. Can't believe I have written so much since I started. I guess some people must enjoy my writing as the viewing figures are quite buoyant at the moment. It is bitterly cold out with grey skies. No sign yet of the expected snow. No doubt we will grind to a standstill when it arrives, we in England always do. Given the steep hill that I have to climb outside my flat to get to town or work I may be stuck for a while if it comes down heavily.

Well I have survived week 1 back at work. It was a mixed week but okay. The highlight was going to Cambridge on Tuesday. Theoretically that is always a joy but this time I was only looking forward to part of it. I was there for a meeting which last year had been hosted at our place. I hated that day. But this day was both interesting and more fun. Although I was somewhat cryptic on here about it I had an interview for a new job last November. Not good practice to not even bother to contact failed interviewees; yes, that is right, I never heard a word from them. But on Tuesday I met one of the women who had been involved on the day and was somewhat surprised what she had to say. She was in on 2 of the 4 tasks I was asked to undertake. According to her I was by far the best candidate. Sadly she had no input on the decision. So instead of hiring the best candidate they went for an internal political appointment. I have been there before though. So the search goes on.

I'm now at home trying to warm up and listening to Mendelssohn's Elias. It is not a work I knew but am impressed so far. I'm keeping the cooking simple this weekend. Spaghetti carbonara tonight, bought some pecorino cheese for that, and roasted chicken thighs tomorrow. Might do them in goose fat.

Other than that it is NFL divisional playoff round so lots of football to watch. As it is scheduled late I will probably only see one match live then record the other 3. Then it is just relax.

Have a great weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

PS Many thanks to the great Jayne Curry for the excellent company in Sala Thong in Cambridge-the crispy belly pork with chill, basil, and oyster sauce was spectactular

And By Way of a Change.

Today is on the face of it another Sunday. Different to others? It is still dull out. I have to return to work tomorrow. I ate roast pork. Spot any differences there to the countless other posts I have made of quiet Sundays? The more observant of you will notice a difference; there is no mention of Mozart.

I fancied a change so am diving into the box set of Haydn that was one of the many presents I came galumphing back to Hertfordshire with after Christmas. And very good it is too. I need to relax, I'm certain chaos will return to my life after I have been to the dentist tomorrow morning. I don't like the dentist but it has to be done.

But the food theme continues apace on this day of rest. My friend Jazz is coming to dinner tomorrow so I have to get going on a curry paste. That is always good fun; if you don't have one invest in a mortar and pestle. Better exercise than the gym. Must go now as I forgot to buy garlic. More soon.

I Heard a Voice.

PS I broke through the 6000 hits barrier last night.

The End is Nigh!

Greetings and welcome to 2013. I hope you all had a Happy New Year? It is a quiet Saturday afternoon in gloomy but comparatively warm Hertfordshire. I have been shopping, did the recycling, did the bins, and have yet to tidy up. On the hob the stock pot bubbles quietly as I make what I hope will be an excellent chicken stock. All is quiet.

A quiet end to my long holiday-the end if nigh. On  Monday I return to the madness of my working life. This 3 weeks has gone quickly-it always does. Yet as I stand on the cusp of another term I am no more motivated or manic than I was back in September-I go back to no change. Let's hope 2103 is more kind to me than 2012 was.

As I planned I have cooked a lot. I got away to Kent, to St Albans and yesterday to Hitchin to see the incomparable Dory. That was a good day. So as time ticks away I will try to make the most of it. Tonight I will stir fry some beef with a fiery sauce. Tomorrow I will finish my extremely fiery Cambodian noodles I had earlier in the week then slow cook shoulder of pork. And on Monday my friend Jazz is coming for a Thai bell pork curry. So my kitchen is in order even if my life is not.

On Tuesday I travel to Cambridge for a very tedious meeting but the main reason for going is to meet my old friend Jayne for dinner; I really should get to Cambridge more often.

So until the next time, goodbye.

I Heard a Voice.