Cloaked in Grey.

It is a grey and humid day here. The clouds have enveloped us and maybe there will be rain. The summer has been very dry here and high temperatures have parched the grass. Talk is in the air about a hosepipe ban. That won't affect me but will many.

The country has suddenly woken up to the brilliance of women's football and at 5 pm the country will be roaring on the Lionesses at Wembley. It has taken so long for well deserved respect for women's sport.

Over the last few years at the university I worked with half a dozen top class athletes both women and men. For all their brilliance they all struggled to cope with the pressure. One potential Olympian said there is only one way to go after winning a gold medal. 

When I was younger sport was my escape from music. I was infinitely more talented in the latter rather than the former. But it served its purpose. 

Back in small world I inhabit I had a much better week. The anxiety is at bay although the shakiness was in evidence today. 

As is my wont on a Sunday morning I'm listening to Verdi's Rigoletto and reading. Lunch will be soon, a halloumi and grape salad with lemon juice and oregano. Then tonight roast turkey. 

Three weeks remain before my summer holiday. Planned rail strikes will disrupt me somewhat but I will make it to Kent to see my dad and walk along the beach. 

Have a lovely Sunday everyone. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Crashing Waves.

It is Sunday lunchtime, the sun is shining and I'm listening to Mozart opera. After the week that just happened I'm not sure where to start. Or whether even to post.

As we approach the 12th anniversary of me launching this blog I'm not sure I should carry on. Readers are few and far between. I worry I'm too negative. And I worry quite where or what my mental health has become. 

Since finding the salvation of Risperidone on 2001 it felt my battle was almost won. Two books later the war goes on. I didn't expect the pernicious scourge of anxiety to get quite so bad.

Wracked with self doubt and a life long belief that I'm not good enough. But good enough for what?

People sometimes call me inspirational. Others call me life saving. To me I've just seen many things. Yet for all I have achieved it is never enough. 

On a week where the temperature record in UK was broken twice in quick succession I did not exactly cover myself in glory. But I didn't expect the tidal wave that engulfed me on Thursday. 

That age old good or bad, brilliant or a failure thinking that blights so many who live in the mental health world dealt me another hammer blow.

I've been ruminating for several days. Now on this sunny afternoon my mind is no longer racing but I'm left with a terrible sense of what my future holds. And that plays havoc with the anxious mind.

Yet I will bounce back. As I said the sun is shining, it's payday tomorrow and my summer holiday is approaching. I'll settle for that after Thursday.

I Heard a Voice.  

Steaming Hot.

Greetings on this Sunday afternoon in England. The temperatures are rising, the humidity building. Tomorrow we will hit a record 40°.

I'm staying in listening to Puccini. I've been very shaky but otherwise OK. 

Last week was uneven, terrible anxiety for four days.

Brought on by poor sleep, obsessional work worries and dreams and overdoing it supporting too many people too much.

On a steadier trajectory now after some time off.

I'm a little apprehensive of next week but I will get through. 

Certainly need my summer break. Still a few weeks to go before I switch off the laptop at 5 pm on Friday 19th August for my long awaited rest.

Despite the heat roast lamb is on the menu with home made mint sauce. 

Take care in the hear and enjoy your Sunday. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Too Early to Wake.

The sun is shining, the opera is playing and I should be relaxed. Sundays are for relaxing. Yet today I'm tired, full of self doubt and dreading tomorrow. 

What brought this on is obvious and not obvious. Waking early full of anxiety is always a recipe for disaster. Each morning for the last week I have woken early worrying about work. But why? It's going well according to most sources. Just not my own view. If I can overthink I will. 

Looking from another angle it may be little surprise given that four people connected one way or another to my life are having significant mental health issues. Two have been detained. The other two probably will be too. 

Keep in mind I never say no but I need to take time out. It's not that my mood is dipping. More that I'm doing too much.  Need to slow down. 

There will be a little respite as I have some time off this week. Must promise myself to use it wisely. 

Back to today though I must summon up motivation, have to cook lunch. Have a sea bream fillet for lunch and roast gammon for dinner. Hope that helps. 

I Heard a Voice 

No Longer Under Siege

Hello out there. Assuming anyone is out there? It is a mild but overcast Saturday afternoon in July. I'm home with the cricket on and will shortly get going on shin of beef in ale for my supper. 

I'm pretty tired after a really challenging couple of days and I didn't sleep well.

Yet I feel OK after a night of contemplation. Thursday brought out that old adrenaline of a crisis day. I had to take control when no one was answering the phone and I had to act.

It was exhausting but we did what we needed to do. In my contemplation that evening I realised that every day was like that at the university. Being under siege for 14 years took it's toll on me.

Now I know I can still do it but it is rare. I'm relieved about that.

The weekend will be quiet, I've shopped, I've washed and I've cleaned. Now to the kitchen. 

Have a great weekend. 

I Heard a Voice.