The Leaves, the Blackberries and the Chill.

An all together fresher outlook has descended on the land. A few leaves have already fallen. The blackberries are ripening. The chill. And the night drawing in. Autumn that beautiful season is almost upon us. The strange world we inhabit mid pandemic has seen a lightning summer, a lot rain and a nation still reeling from the extraordinary events of the last six months. Can summer almost be over already? Yes indeed. On Sunday we once again celebrate my birthday. On Wednesday it will mark 13 years since I moved here. Thursday 13 years in my job. I would never have imagined this outcome all those years ago.

Once again I find myself at a crossroads with direction signs torn down. Is there a storm coming the likes of which I have not seen since my breakdown in 1991? Or am I just being too anxious and paranoid? That I'm unsettled is clear. That I need change is also clear. But how and why? And will I be in control of events? A decision that I needed to make by midnight has been made. It will advance me no further and the recriminations may be deeply unpleasant. But the parameters of my life are not being kind to me at the moment. That they have been artificially set against me became clear last week. My response may lead to trouble but needed to be sent.

For now though I focus on my holiday. Had a great time in Kent with dad. Today I did a little shopping and remained steadfast in resistance to the desire to buy yet another coat and two more pairs of boots. Maybe after pay day on Friday.

Tonight's opera is Cosi fan Tutti and I'm having a beer. Been reading Rick Stein's Secret France book as I listen. Tomorrow I hope to go to Cambridge but that depends on when I wake up. As ever I slept poorly at dad's so am quite tired.

Not sure when I will return on here, maybe next week. Enjoy the rest of summer and let us hope as we move into autumn the world becomes a little better for all of us.

I Heard a Voice.

The Gulls, the Sun and the Cloud.

A rare Sunday morning venture on to here. The sea beckons this afternoon. For now I listen to the gulls, admire the sporadic sunshine and curse the low cloud coming into play. I have finally arrived at my holiday.

You may wonder where I have been. Normally I write most weekends. But not for two weeks. In truth I have had a lot on my mind, been finding life tough going and not at all happy. Maybe things are in motion that will spiral out of control. My little world seems shaky at this point. Escaping to the seaside has not stopped my mind wandering back to things I'm rather not think about.

Trying to find peace down here is proving elusive. It is certainly great to see dad again. And I've seen a few friends. A week today I will turn 51, maturing more? Or becoming more troubled and petulant? Time will tell I fear.

For now though I must take each day as it comes, enjoy seeing my friends, travel safely on Tuesday and hang on to not having to do and live up to the expectations of others.

Must go now as I'm cooking roast beef for our lunch. All prepared, just need to switch the oven on and get the potatoes in.

See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Storm Breaks, Thunder in Your Ears.

After days of 33 degrees and intense humidity the storm we all wanted finally broke this afternoon. For a good two hours the thunder rumbled and the lightning flashed and the rain came down. Finally relief from sweating, intense discomfort. My friend Francois is South African and despite working for years in Botswana where temperatures regularly break 40 degrees even he was struggling in this. It's the humidity that kills us.

A few hours later having eaten ribs and chicken satay once again the heat is on the rise and the air is oppressive. Opera night is underway with Handel. The balcony door is open and I'm away from the chaos of the days. My reality at present is better than it has been. No sign of low mood or anxiety for ten days or so. Long may it continue.

The reality of winning that award is fading into the distance but I'm still proving helpful to my young and troubled charges. The pace has slowed certainly but there is still a lot to do before September comes. I have fears for then but I'm holding my own.

The value of team work has been to the fore this week. Something that has been sorely lacking at times. Seeking one's own betterment seldom makes for good working environments. We are I'm pleased to say getting better at that.

Not long to go until my holiday. It has been confirmed that I will travel to the seaside on Saturday week. Can't wait to see dad and walk along the beach. Who knows if the sun will shine but no matter. I will be back on familiar territory.

See you all next time.

I Heard a Voice.

Deceived by the Morning.

When I left my flat this morning to get my Sunday Times it looked like we were in for a cooler day. After the recent stifling heat and humidity I felt a little fresher. But not a bit of it. As I left the flat again in the early afternoon for a walk the temperature was soaring to 33 degrees. A short walk and a pint then returned to to comparative cool of my flat.

My recent instability seems to have righted itself for the time being at least. My week was highlighted by being shocked to win an award from our Student Union. So much of what we do goes un-noticed by many. The ringing anger of people saying mental health services are shit and no one cares occupies my thoughts more than the many I have helped over the years. Yes some years ago I was twice shortlisted for a Vice Chancellor's award as Employee of the Year. But that is unusual. Much of the time feels pretty bleak. The important thing is that the two near misses and this recent success were at the recommendation of students rather than my friends nominating me.

Another week is now down and I have two weeks until my holiday. Small matter of root canal before then though so I anticipate rising anxiety coming up. But after the week I have had a glorious weekend.

The sun shone, the cricket ended in glory as England beat the odds to come from a long way back to beat Pakistan, and I did a BBQ at Jo's last night. Thai red curry prawn kebabs, lamb kofte, Korean beef kebabs and Thai BBQ pork skewers. The beef went a little wrong but triumphed with the rest. And Jo's piri piri sardines were a revelation.

So I'm set up for another week. I'm listening to Handel with a glass of wine. Gammon goes in to roast shortly. There was an interesting piece on Matt Haig in the Sunday Times magazine; if you haven't read his Reasons to Stay Alive you must. A bottle of Rioja will accompany my dinner.

Until next time have a good week everyone.

I Heard a Voice.

Missing the Moon.

The thought crossed my mind in the week that I hadn't seen the moon in ages. Not the merest of glimpses. Then two nights ago I saw it. Not quite full but a beautiful sight to see.

You may be wondering how I am after the recent turbulence. Mainly I've been doing better. That said today I feel flat and lethargic. I must have been tired, didn't wake up until very late. I visited my butcher, had a fry up in town and had my hair cut. Then home to nothing. I do not feel like cooking tonight although I have some lovely local lamb. Maybe I can summon up the energy later to cook a Javanese curry. With no motivation that doesn't seem possible at this point. Can I power on though? Or just give up the ghost and eat crap?

In three weeks I will be on holiday. I'm hoping to go to the seaside and see dad but there are still restrictions at his flats so it may not come off. Missing the sea as much as I missed the moon. The country seems more volatile as signs of the virus are emerging again. I feel for those being shut down again.

The future does not look fabulous. I can't see how we can survive another lockdown. How many will lose their jobs? Will there still be pubs to go to? Will I be able to have a fry up or ribs? We don't know at this point.

As you can see I'm not feeling very optimistic today. Let us hope tomorrow is a better day.

I Heard a Voice.