Masked and Restrained.

On a wet Saturday afternoon in July I'm musing on the divisions and uncertainty of the world. My title is not a reference to sexual practice kinky or otherwise. More it reflects that my country is now required to be masked to shop and that despite my mask I was restrained in my profligate spending before the rains came as I cautiously went to town.

Who knows where we are at with the pandemic. Whilst I have followed instructions for months now it does seem odd that at this point I am required to be masked rather than when fear stalked the land, the death toll was rising and our lives were as uncertain as I'd ever known. A lot of conspiracy views, political views and down right stupid views are littering social media. Are we being metaphorically and physically gagged?

In truth this post has gone through many different versions and false dawns since midweek. I could have posted several times but that would have been foolish. That it was tough going was an understatement. At times when we need to heal wounds adding salt is not the solution. But I think it is time for my long held silence, a silence that I turn in on myself and that impacts on my mental health, to end. It will be measured not angry. It will not be well received. And I don't think it will be listened to. But if we do not stand up bad things follow.

I regularly joke about being old. To my students I'm ancient. But until this week I had never felt old. Until this week. Feeling dated, obsolete and cast off I did not respond well. Thank goodness I had a therapy session which was extremely helpful. So too the wisdom of many kind friends who gave up their time to talk to me in the latter part of this week.

My future looks bleak and cloudy. However, the advice and realisation that I need to control what I can control has steadied the ship somewhat. True bad dreams woke me this morning and my mood is flat but I am not defeated.

As the rain comes down outside I must acknowledge the good, the cricket is on, I have wine, I'm writing on here, I have roast beef tomorrow, and I have the certain knowledge that whilst some quite rightly should be treated with suspicion not everyone is bad. My friends have proved that this week.

Take care.

I Heard a Voice.