Emptiness and Nothingness.

I should have known today would not be good from waking after a bad dream and feeling starving hungry. The seeds were sown last night when dinner did not go to plan. Sometimes if I drink too much I have these terrible hungry hangovers. A burning desire to eat but feeling nauseous at the same time. But I didn't drink much so why did I feel so shit today? A chain reaction, starving, anxiety, nausea and a feeling of being lost all combined to bring on that terrible emptiness of nothing.

Without motivation it is hard to achieve anything. Yes I went out in my car, yes I window shopped, yes I put the washing on, yes I hoovered but still that nothingness, no mood either way. I suppose I feel marginally better for eating. I'm drinking water which always helps.

The thought of going to Borough Market as planned tomorrow fills me with dread. But I don't want to let Sarah down. I have plans every day this week except today. London tomorrow. Naima on Thursday. And Kym on Friday. At some point I need to get a new tyre for my car and defrost the freezer. Each brings its own terrors.

Living in fear of nothing and everything seems a curse bequeathed to me as I advance in years. What have I got to be frightened of? Nothing out of the ordinary. Yet still it devours me on days like today.

Holidays should be a time without fear. Yet without structure and purpose it is so easy to slip into that state. What I do to get out of it is unclear. I'm thinking I ought to go for a walk. It's grey and dull out but mild. Maybe into the woods? Or maybe just ride it out. Tomorrow is another day. And it could be better.

Will let you all know when I'm in a better place. I'm not sure why I'm writing this today. But here it is, my thoughts on an empty nothing day. Take care.

I Heard a Voice.