Cancelled Plans.

The coming storm put paid to my Saturday plans. That the storm has yet to materialise is odd but I have no doubt we will once again be buffeted and soaked. The plan was actually to go to The Stoop to watch Harlequins with Charlie. Shame but there will be other times.

My week was marked mainly by triumph, rather too elevated mood and making it to pay day. My enforced austerity measures worked although it is much harder when I'm on the edge of flying. I haven't taken off yet but am working hard to keep a lid on it. Wonder what my psychiatrist will make of it on Tuesday?

If I'm honest I should have increased my Risperidone but given the intensity of work and that we are down to doing the job of four with just two of us means I can't hit the brakes yet.

Restraining myself mainly held sway again today. True I got a joint of beef far bigger than I needed. I bought a pair of boots but resisted the lure of yet another rugby shirt, a microwave and any number of books. Tedious though it is I must guard my reserves more jealously than is my wont.

As the wind gets up and sky darkens I must content myself to staying indoors, listening to the radio and some reading. I finally finished the Anais Nin. She brought it all together in a most unexpected way. Rather than a collection of brutal, unpleasant and nasty erotica from a feminist perspective the end did tie all the random indulgence together to make the end of an era and the world descending into the chaos of World War Two.

The next literary adventure sees me revisiting an old friend. Graham Greene has for a while been a backdrop to my attempts at enlightening my life culturally so to him I go once again.

Be careful out there when the storm eventually hits. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

And Still it Goes On.

The blustery wind that has hit our shores for the last two weeks continues but the biting cold has gone. So too the squally, icy, driving rain. An altogether more manageable day. Out of the wind in town today it was pleasantly warm. Having visited Gareth for my meat supplies this morning I took a gentle wander in town. I restrained my spending as I try to keep up the much needed austerity measures. Thursday's cash point check will see how much I have achieved. I've managed to stay out of too many restaurants this month, cut down a little on fine wine and have only bought one book in a sale. Despite the temptation I resisted the lure of adding to my boot and coat collection. Last time Jo came round she suggested I had a boot and coat fetish.

This week has mainly been good. No one pissed me off, work went well and generally I was not besieged by insomnia inducing anger and switch off problems. The next couple of weeks are likely to be tense and fraught as we will only have two of us doing the work of probably ten. Down from our under resourced company of four we will see how it goes.

My indulgence in the kitchen has been driving by somewhat elevated mood. It has been like that for ten days or so. Running a little too high last weekend things have slowed a little. Something to talk about with my consultant when I see him the week after next.

Tonight the kitchen will witness a Vietnamese beef stew with star anise, basil and lemongrass. Tomorrow Sarah will join me for roast belly pork. Bought some artisan apple sauce to go with it.

The afternoon before I get going features Beethoven's cello sonatas and some reading. I'm almost there on the Anais Nin which I've been dipping into for months. I think The Honorary Consul will be my next reading escapade. In a month or so I will be back by the seaside as I visit dad for his birthday. A week off sounds like a good idea.

Do enjoy your weekend and stay well out there. See you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

The Storm is Coming...Again.

The wind is beginning to stir. The rain has started. The heating is on. The door is shut. Another great storm is coming. After last Sunday we're expecting this one to last three days. I'm not overly concerned although I won't be venturing far.

My old friend Marie is visiting this weekend. I advised her to prepare to stay a little longer than planned as no doubt the trains will be disrupted. Indoors it will be an afternoon of music, cooking and just taking it easy. Let the storm rage outside.

The week was okay and there is plenty of evidence that my mood is soaring a little higher than it should. Today I feel a little calmer but yesterday the mind was racing, I was having to keep a lid on it for fear I would do or say something rash. That has happened before. It was actually my former boss who noticed first. Warnings can come from many sources and it is gratefully but ungratefully received. The latter as I don't want to spoil the fun. The former as I know how badly wrong things can go when I'm flying.

Keeping busy in the kitchen should focus me. We had a delightful salad of courgette, orange and feta with dill and date molasses dressing for lunch. My now famous beef rendang for supper. And tomorrow a glorious roast duck.

Let us hope that the storm in my head abates and storm outside passes without too much incident. Monday will come soon enough but I am ready. The anxiety is keeping my mood at bay but is also not overwhelming me. That I suppose is more natural than increasing my Risperidone as I feared I might have to do.

Take care out there and see you soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Sitting Out The Storm.

A great storm is raging outside on this February day. Reputedly the worst for seven years the whole country is being engulfed by a force of nature. Although I think we are getting off quite lightly here I'm certainly not venturing out for a walk, or driving to a country pub, or indeed doing much at all. I'm in my warm flat listening to Haydn and enjoying the weekend after a tumultuous Friday.

I learned on Friday how dangerous the internet can be. In the nearly ten years I've been writing this blog I've had no nastiness. Yes a couple of idiots latching on to references to steroids and cocaine trying to sell their products but they were easily removed.

Others though are in the shit of the full blown nastiness that comes with unwise postings. What I go back to tomorrow could be unpleasant, viral and hostile. As the world faces this terrible pandemic that is coming from a city in China we do not need people abusing, belittling and attacking the poor people caught up in it all. Why does so much of the human race mock those caught in dark times? Suffice it to say I'm not looking forward to opening my work e mail tomorrow.

The rest of Sunday is still to be enjoyed though. I made a very simple Thai green papaya salad for my lunch. Hot as Hades it was wonderful. Forgot to add the dried shrimps but very palatable all the same. Tonight rare roast beef, Yorkshire puddings, roast potatoes, carrots, hispi cabbage and broccoli await along with fresh horseradish. Yes they are finally stocking in Waitrose once again.

Now I'm back to reading, Haydn, a pint of iced water and the knowledge that whatever I have to deal with there is always fine food, fine wine, fine music and fine friends. Until next time take care out there on this inclement day.

I Heard a Voice

A Little Ice and Fog.

Awaking this morning to a frozen car and then thick fog was not what I was anticipating. I seem to be sleeping very heavily at the moment so getting up is something of a challenge. But having made it in a little late the latter part of the morning brought sunshine and clear skies. Cold though.

The day was somewhat frustrating with people coming at the wrong time, cancelling and not showing up at all. It was ever thus though. Tomorrow is Time to Talk Day and University Mental Health Day and no doubt many conversations will be had but little action afterwards. Always we hear complaints that we don't do enough. Or we don't do it right. Or people can't get appointments. The truth some of the time is so much of our resource can be wasted by no shows. We keep plugging them in, doing what we can and one way or another we help many young people get through their degrees.

As we edge closer to lighter days, the blossom of spring and hopefully at some point warmer days I'm now a third through my thirteenth year at the University. How has that happened? Given that I had never done a job for more than two and half years prior to that, it was not what I was expecting. Is that what settling into a career is? In truth my quote unquote career started very late. I climbed an unusually greasy pole and then got stuck. And here I am.

Reflecting on another day mentally I'm doing okay. What tomorrow will bring I do not know. But aside from blips and angry days I'm still thriving. I certainly didn't feel I was prior to Christmas.

So on opera night with Figaro accompanying my musings I leave with the thought that it is possible to fight back from breakdown, suicide, despair and fear. That surely is what Time to Talk should be about?

I Heard a Voice.

Exit Stage Left.

Driving through the fens on my way to catch my train home this morning I was struck by the vastness and beauty of the sky. Blue with broken but not threatening clouds the endless miles of flat, fertile plains gave an enormity to the sky above that I had forgotten. I spent nine years of my life living in Cambridge. Mixed but special, I doubt I will make it back to live there at this stage of my life.

Coming home though another enormity came into perspective. On Friday night the UK left the EU. I did not vote to leave but have been adamant in the belief that a democratic decision was made in 2016 and we needed to stick to it. I've never felt like a European. It does not form part of my sense of self. But I think it is a mistake. A democratic miscalculation but democratic none the less. Of course we were lied to. But the nature of having elections is that we are always lied to. Better to have a choice rather than none as so many people in this world have.

Getting home around 2 pm I popped out to butcher, had a pint at The White Horse and am now in my warm flat, a chicken is roasting in the oven and a quiet evening ahead.

The purpose of my visit ended well. Miriam cooked some beautiful food, we had fun, we drank and the hated San Francisco 49ers were defeated in an epic Super Bowl by the Kansas City Chiefs. That was special.

Tomorrow I return to work. So far mainly it has been okay. There will be difficult times and I suspect Wednesday is likely to be such a day. But I go in, do my work, drive home and then be me again.

Have a good week, more soon.

I Heard a Voice.