After yesterday's wipe out I had hoped today that I would be feeling better. In fact my mood is as flat and grey as the day outside. Deciding staying home was the best course of action I went back to bed and ended up sleeping close on ten hours. It didn't help.
The grey damp autumn contrasts with those beautiful but chilly days when the sun shines, the hue of the leaves dance around in the wind and that sharpness to the air that sometimes happens. No sign today though.
Venturing out to buy bread and milk several times I almost slipped on wet leaves and mud as the rain came gently down. Not so good for the mood.
Since getting home I've been quite reflective on what might have gone wrong. There was a death last week that stirred painful memories. A passing incident in the pub of a chance encounter with a coked up drunk idiot where no harm was really done but brought back some of the darker recesses of my mental powerlessness. Is that what is happening? I don't really know but we will see tomorrow when I go once more back to therapy.
The odd thing about today is that the anxiety and edginess have dissipated. That is good. But what I'm left with is that same sensation that usually happens when I increase my medication. That terrible emptiness of thought and emotion. A general feeling of being low and devoid but with no capacity to respond. Medication is at normal levels and hadn't crossed my mind until an hour ago that maybe I will have to do that.
My gloom is however being slightly moved by Handel's opera Orlando. A warm flat, no expectation and glorious music may go some way towards restoring my balance. See you all again soon.
I Heard a Voice.
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