What a lovely day down here in Kent! September may be here but the sun is shining, people are out and about and the final weekend of the holiday is drawing to a close. Thus far I haven't made it to the beach sadly. We had the intention of doing so today but closed chocolate shops, non setting cheesecake and a tired and after a while grumpy baby William had other ideas.
My lovely friend Katherine came down to visit with her 18 month old son today. Dad couldn't stay long as he had bowls but we have had a marvelous afternoon even if we didn't make it to the beach. So lovely to see them both. Life can be tough for all of us but seeing old friends always brightens the days.
I'm just over half way in my holiday. Been down at dad's since Friday. Not a bad journey down and so nice to see people. My time off has been good but still can't shake the anxiety of what is to come. Preparing for difficult times when anxious is always a recipe for disaster. Since my return to work I have expected every meeting to go wrong and expose my perceived inability to do what I once was so good at.
The accolades do still come, glowing testimony from those I have helped. Although since being back I have felt old, out of touch and an amateur all who know me know that that is me deceiving me. A cruel traits of mental illness to make us feel utterly worthless. Letting go is so hard.
As I stand on the cusp of year 12 in Hertfordshire my mind is racing. I had confidence on that day, exactly eleven years ago this day since I moved. How do I rebuild that? Do I want to rebuild that? So many unanswered questions.
They can wait though until a week has passed. Between now and then I have dinner with Sarah, an evening with my school friend Tory and then the big dinner back at Selwyn. Will I be overwhelmed by the success of my peers? Or will I accept that we are all flawed and those dreams of three decades ago were but youthful fantasy?
No comments:
Post a Comment