The sun is setting in a sky streaked with broken clouds. I'm listening to Il Trittieo and trying to take in what has been three relatively anxiety free days. When I last spoke to you I had plans for London and Cambridge as well as belated birthday dinner with Sarah.
A week on from my last post all I set out to achieve has been achieved. Sarah delighted as she always does. Tory was as gentle and kind, understanding and tolerant as she has been for all of the 32 years we've known each other. And the big reunion was precisely that. We partied long into the night and put the class of 1998 with whom we shared the dinner to shame.
I came away feeling not too inadequate although it is easy to be overawed by the achievements of my peers. Hearing that people I played rugby with 30 years ago are already retired can be a sobering thought. But we weren't sober by any stretch of the imagination.
Waking late with a knock from the duty porter I felt okay although it might have been nice if we could have met for lunch. So I lunched on my own at The Eagle, great pub, terrible roast beef. But I came home content and stable.
At the point beyond half way in my first week back nothing has gone wrong. On the contrary things have gone right. Yesterday afternoon I met a young woman who is a GB international in her sport yet is ravaged by the nightmare of anxiety and the eternal battle with perfectionism. I did what I do, talked, told her the truth, acknowledged where she was at and helped her understand the demons. She cried almost with joy that not only did I give her time and made adjustments for her studies but also understood.
As that young woman's tears flowed I stared in the mirror and saw my life too. I'm certainly no international sportsman but I sang to the highest levels and paid a price for that. I still fight my demons but came away with the certain belief that I had changed a little part of someone's life. And that feels good.
The fear will come but for now it is not there. I have done some good and can acknowledge that. A few months ago that seemed impossible.
I Heard a Voice.
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