Reflections in the Water.

It would have been nice to see the old lake on this sunny day. The world reflected off its shimmering surface, the fish darting around and maybe just maybe a dragonfly. It was not to be. My travels didn't take me there today.

But I did reflect. Reflect on what was, what came to pass and what might have been. The darkness started in earnest on this day 27 years ago. That it already existed is abundantly clear to me now and apparently many years before to Cedric. In all the years that followed my reflection both mental and physical was distorted. Gaunt, thin, tired and always wearing shades I shambled around that small seaside  town where I lived as a distorted wreck of a human being. That is what mental breakdown does to people. To outward appearance I was quiet, rarely spoke and never looked anyone in the eye.

In my mind the world was on fire. A world of chaos, pain, fear, anger and powerlessness. And all the time I asked myself those infernal what if questions. I lost touch with so many of my friends. My new friends were ghosts of humans devastated by mental illness.

On this day each year I shut the world out and mourn. Mourn for my loss. I never felt I had the right to do that as I saw myself as the most appalling excuse for a person. Caroline taught me to mourn for me.

I am so moved that two of my friends who knew me before in all my flawed arrogance, Ros and Rebecca are now back in my life. It was the day Rachel walked away. We met after until she just disappeared 5 years later. 5 years after that when I was at my lowest she chose to contact me again.

I did not respond and never will. It is easy to think of what might have been. But better to think of what I have now.

So on a warm Friday evening I have my Mozart, I have my Albarino, I have my friends in spirit and I have my life. It is not and never will be perfect but given where I was all those years ago I think I have done pretty well. Later I will listen to my sad songs and look at my photos. Yes I still do that even now. But unlike then I will put them away and they will not bite me for I will let them go.

I Heard a Voice