Is the Monsoon Over?

Last year in April we had blazing sunshine and high temperatures. What a change this year. It has just stopped raining here for the first time in nearly a week. Not what I wanted really but sadly part of life.

Seems like ages since I was on here. They have changed the format my end on blogging and this is the first time I have dared to try it out. Still yet to find the button to post.

I have been okay. Part time at work last week but plan to go back full time tomorrow. It will be nice to get back to reality after a 2 month interruption. It will be quieter at this time of the year but I have no doubt we will have our moments. I had to have my photo taken last week for the Vice-Chancellor awards. Not easy dodging the rain showers.

Mentally I hope I'm back to normal, neither too low nor too high. I started to reduce my risperidone last week and so far so good. It is nice to be back.

This next 2 weeks will bring the final push on "Charon's Ferry". I did finally hear from my publisher on the disputed sales figures on the first book last week-they conceded that they had been wrong. I won't be retiring on the proceeds though. But neither book was ever really about money.

Hope to be back on here later in the week.

I Heard a Voice.

My Mind Ticks Over

A friend of mine text me today saying how amazed she was that I had managed to write another chapter yesterday after the funeral. I had to think about that one for a while. Actually I think it is helping. If I don't keep my mind active then it is likely to recede deep into the recesses of mourning.

I also spoke to my sister earlier. She is finding it hard to know what to do with herself. There is a certain emptiness to the post funeral time. I always say that is the hardest time is going back to reality when the phone stops ringing, the cards have dried up and people's minds turn to other things.

Much to my surprise I am doing okay so far. We will see what the coming days bring me. I would anticipate that I might have finished the new book in 2-3 weeks. I ask myself then what? When I finished "A Pillar of impotence" I cried and was then filled with emptiness. If you have been following this blog for the last couple of months you will have seen how hard I find it to deal with emptiness. My mind is never empty-there is always too much to do. But I know it will come back when the book is complete. I'm rather dreading that.

So back now to a quiet weekend. I'm making a rare venture into the world of pasta tonight. I don't often do that but I find a little bacon, shallots, garlic and pesto work very nicely with pasta. Tomorrow I go back to my age old roots of slow roast belly pork-that is probably the best thing I do. And after that? More writing.

Bye for now.

I Heard a Voice.

A New Dawn

On Wednesday before a large congregation in a small and rather obscure church we held a funeral service for my mum. I think we were all stunned that so many people came along. We had music from the Choral Society mum had sung with for years. After we had private cremation followed by a lively wake at a local hotel.

So it is done. All 3 of us played a role in the service. My sister did a reading, my dad led the prayers and I delivered a eulogy. Unusually for me I wrote out what I intended to say first as I thought if the occasion became too much I would need a substitute. But I got though it. The part that I enjoyed the most was the reference to my mum's belief in the role of women in the church. If any of you follow such things it is an issue which has split the church. I look forward to the day when my old Cambridge friend Lucy Winkett becomes the first female bishop in Great Britain. Sadly mum never lived to celebrate that victory for women with me. Mum may have been many things in life but fundamentally she was a staunch advocate of the rights of women.

Who knows what the future will hold? For now we live day by day. There is no other way to look at it. I'm now back at home writing and cooking. I completed chapter 44 today and am now marinading some Indonesian kebabs for my dinner-I've never done them before. The end is now in sight on "Charon's Ferry"-I hope but doubt it will have the same impact as "A Pillar of Impotence" did.

I return to work on Monday. Hopefully it will be quiet as it usually is in April. Most years it really slows down after Easter before the coming storm of a new academic year in September. But there is a long way to go before then.

I Heard a Voice.

Time to Change

Just a very quick message today. I wrote the following guest blog for Time to Change:

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/when-to-speak-out-about-mental-health?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=wall&utm_campaign=social-media

If you take a look at the site then maybe you too can pledge to try to end mental health discrimination in the UK.

I Heard a Voice.

PS More tomorrow I hope.

The Night Before the Morning After

Today I travelled to Kent in preparation for my mum's funeral. I had never been to a church the night before a funeral. But today I was there during a short service at which my mum's coffin was brought in the church to stay overnight. It was a very strange sensation but I think it will make tomorrow easier.

My mind has been curiously at rest since she died. Yet today I had strange thought enter my head. The church is cold and the coffin will be there all night. These are of course earthly thoughts when in more spiritual ways a church is warm.

She has a wicker coffin, a testament to her Somerset roots. I'd not seen one of those either. Late on in the service I have to deliver a eulogy. I normally like to speak without notes but knowing the occasion might be hard I have written it out in case I need a substitute.

Tomorrow will come soon enough and I'm sure it will pass in a flash. It has been amazing the support we have received over the last couple of weeks. But of course after that we have to get back to our lives; maybe that will be the hardest part.

I Heard a Voice.

Hailstones and Coals of Fire

A brief post today. I came down to Kent yesterday to an enormous hailstorm-it literally looked like snow drifts on the roads. The rain poured all afternoon but unlike the biblical references we did not, as far as I'm aware, have coals of fire raining down from on high. Today has been better though.

I'm spending a couple of days with my dad. The funeral has now been arranged for next Wednesday. We still have no idea how many people will come but I'm sure we will be okay.

Mentally I'm doing okay although I suspect much of that is down to my still raised levels of risperidone. I continue to be very tired though. Still taking life a day at a time. I will return to Hertfordshire tomorrow then back down to Kent next Tuesday. In between time I have to write my eulogy. Normally I do it from memory when I speak but I'm not sure how I will feel on the day so am taking precautions in case I need a substitute.

I Heard a Voice.

PS I made the shortlist to the employee of the year award-still baffled by that.

PPS I will be doing a guest blog for Time to Change next week-I will try to put the link on here.

The Pimm's Season

For many Cambridge people like me today marks the start of the Pimm's season. Boat race day. I have just sat and watched one of most controversial races in years. An errant swimming forced a restart. Oxford pulled ahead but a clash of blades cost them their chance. I have been in boats where blades have almost exploded in collision. But rather than an epic celebration the collapse of one of Oxford's oarsmen has put a major downer on an amazing event.

On a cold and grey day it does not seem like time for Pimm's but being the traditionalist that I am I had one anyway.

I was actually in Cambridge yesterday. I went all the way specifically to hear the Miserere in King's only for a faulty kitchen clock to delay our departure too long. They didn't let us in. I was seething but in the light of recent events it is not really that important. But I could have done without the pompous arrogant gatekeeper who patronised us when we got there. Cambridge is full of egos yet King's takes the biscuit. I wonder what it would be like without that famous choir? Yes that choir I sang in for 5 years. Just another Cambridge College with fraudulent pretension to be left wing.

I'm off now until  a week Monday. Still desperately tired but not feeling too bad. I have to see the Occupational Health Doctor on Wednesday then hoping to visit my dad on Thursday. I need to get writing this week-I'm losing momentum. Yet the end of the book is so nearly in sight.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice

The Solace of the Requiem

Hi all,

I'm back. It has been a few days. I am okay but very tired. We have been truly overwhelmed with messages, cards, calls, and texts since mum died on Wednesday. I am now back in Hertfordshire. My sister remains down in Kent with my dad for the time being.

So what have I been doing? Well, what I always do when someone dies-I listen to requiems. The mass for the dead has inspired glorious musical settings. I was lucky enough to record both the Faure and Durufle requiems when I was singing as a child. Our Faure recording is truly awful. The Durufle is quite astonishing, some say it is the greatest recording of the work in existence.

I now have a single CD with our recording of the Durufle and the Willcocks recording of the Faure. I have listened as a back drop to a sunny April afternoon. It brought some solace as it always does. Sadly I have listened to requiems so many time-I have buried too many friends. There will of course be others in the future.

After that I plan a quiet Sunday. Assam tea and fruit cake and then will cook rare roast beef for dinner. I also have fine bottle of rioja to go with it.

Back to work tomorrow. Somehow the troubles of the last few weeks don't seem to be important any more.

I Heard a Voice.