Hello out there, how are things? In my part of the world it is a beautiful day, mild and sunny, no wind, leaves turning and the serenity of a calm day pervades my life. It is all going well. Given how hard the last few months and if I'm honest last few years have been at times it is good to find calm waters.
Two weeks into the new academic year my anxiety free, mainly, experience continues. There have been no catastrophes. A lot of people have come forward but in the main they seem in better shape than in recent years. Of course a storm will brew up sooner or later but I'm enjoying a new found freedom.
My self belief is finally returning. I'm not getting carried away just taking each day as it comes, doing the best I can in the circumstances I face and coming home to be me again. That has been a long time coming.
The autumnal love affair with the NFL is keeping me going too. And the Rams march on, unbeaten after four games and surviving an epic shootout with the Vikings on Thursday night. Whilst I say survive they never really looked like being beaten. People are talking Super Bowl but there is a long way to go. Injuries have hit them and there will be more but for now I'm delighted.
Domestic things have taken up part of today. So hard to motivate myself to do all that tedious stuff but feels okay when under way. To the kitchen I go later, stir fried Hunan beef with red and green chillies and black beans. Tomorrow I will slow roast some belly pork. So long since I did that. Will cook on a bed of fennel and flavour with thyme. Maybe also roast some apple slices to go with it.
Now that I've been paid I look forward to the week. Always good to shop but will stay restrained. Except in the kitchen of course.
May your weekend be relaxing and the coming week productive. Autumn will roll ever on and winter will come. For now though happy days.
I Heard a Voice.
Saturday 29 September 2018
Sunday 23 September 2018
A Gentle Sunday.
The heavy rain of this morning has dissipated. The sun is out. Although it is not very warm it has turned out a much better day than I feared.
I hosted lunch today for friends. Roast gammon, roast potatoes, vegetables and a touch of mustard. They brought a nice bottle of South African Cabernet Sauvignon. Not something I would buy normally but it was beautiful.
Much to my surprise a week on from my optimistic last post I remain in a good place. There was a significant wobble on Wednesday, getting given seven different answers when seeking advice on a role for which I've been given virtually no training was not at all helpful. But we resolved the issue and the serenity of recent anxiety free days was restored.
I sometimes wonder whether it is possible to be anxious about getting anxious? I guess a lot of it is like that. That this state of serenity will be threatened in the coming weeks is a given but I must make hay while I can. The feared mania has not materialised. I don't think I've pissed anyone off yet. And I think I gave some sound advice to those who have sought it.
Following an afternoon of Mozart and Beethoven, tonight my thoughts turn once again to the NFL. I get to see my Rams team play twice this week, against the Chargers tonight and the Vikings on Thursday. The NFL can bring some sort of equilibrium to my troubled mind as mainly I cast aside worry when watching. And when the season is on with five games televised each week it is easy to immerse myself there. When it stops in February the darkness and cold can get to me. Most years I re-emerge in the spring. Of course I couldn't have predicted what happened this past year though.
Enjoy the rest of Sunday and for those who go back to work on Monday have a good week.
I Heard a Voice.
I hosted lunch today for friends. Roast gammon, roast potatoes, vegetables and a touch of mustard. They brought a nice bottle of South African Cabernet Sauvignon. Not something I would buy normally but it was beautiful.
Much to my surprise a week on from my optimistic last post I remain in a good place. There was a significant wobble on Wednesday, getting given seven different answers when seeking advice on a role for which I've been given virtually no training was not at all helpful. But we resolved the issue and the serenity of recent anxiety free days was restored.
I sometimes wonder whether it is possible to be anxious about getting anxious? I guess a lot of it is like that. That this state of serenity will be threatened in the coming weeks is a given but I must make hay while I can. The feared mania has not materialised. I don't think I've pissed anyone off yet. And I think I gave some sound advice to those who have sought it.
Following an afternoon of Mozart and Beethoven, tonight my thoughts turn once again to the NFL. I get to see my Rams team play twice this week, against the Chargers tonight and the Vikings on Thursday. The NFL can bring some sort of equilibrium to my troubled mind as mainly I cast aside worry when watching. And when the season is on with five games televised each week it is easy to immerse myself there. When it stops in February the darkness and cold can get to me. Most years I re-emerge in the spring. Of course I couldn't have predicted what happened this past year though.
Enjoy the rest of Sunday and for those who go back to work on Monday have a good week.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday 16 September 2018
Like a Thief in the Night
What a beautiful autumn day. The sun is shining, there is a little wispy cloud, barely a breath of wind and all is calm in my world. Does that sounds strange given what has happened in the last few months? I am delighted to report that I have gone an entire week without anxiety. The calm I once knew and was respected for has returned. It was not just the last few months but in all probability the last three years that my life has been out of control.
That summer of 2015 when expectation changed took my calm and peacefulness away like a thief in the night. Night time because anxiety has brought back my darkness. On Wednesday with the talking guy we talked about the richness of my life. It is indeed rich in experience dark though some of it has been. But it occurred to me that what made me so good at what I do has come back. That calming communication with my people in a way that few without lived experience can have.
In the past when all is chaos in the world and I have had to get young people detained under the Mental Health Act it was always noted how calm I was. And that calm has vanished in recent years.
Now as I face the start of another term tomorrow I'm not fretting, dreading and fearing what will be. I do not know what will be but I do not fear it. How long that lasts I do not know. But I will savour it whilst I can. And go back to what I once did so well. There is a little nagging doubt at the back on my mind that said mind will go into overdrive and I will alienate people. That always used to happen at the start of the academic year. Let us pray and hope for the peace and stability to stay.
Back in my flat I have been entertaining. Alyssa came round for rare roast rib of beer. It was sublime. It hard to beat a sunny day with Handel and Offenbach, rare beef, roast potatoes in beef dripping, vegetables, horseradish, French cheese and biscuits all washed down with Chianti and fine company.
I have enjoyed the last week or so. And in the darkness of that black winter I never thought joy would ever come back to my life. But it has. I hope you too enjoy your Sunday.
I Heard a Voice.
That summer of 2015 when expectation changed took my calm and peacefulness away like a thief in the night. Night time because anxiety has brought back my darkness. On Wednesday with the talking guy we talked about the richness of my life. It is indeed rich in experience dark though some of it has been. But it occurred to me that what made me so good at what I do has come back. That calming communication with my people in a way that few without lived experience can have.
In the past when all is chaos in the world and I have had to get young people detained under the Mental Health Act it was always noted how calm I was. And that calm has vanished in recent years.
Now as I face the start of another term tomorrow I'm not fretting, dreading and fearing what will be. I do not know what will be but I do not fear it. How long that lasts I do not know. But I will savour it whilst I can. And go back to what I once did so well. There is a little nagging doubt at the back on my mind that said mind will go into overdrive and I will alienate people. That always used to happen at the start of the academic year. Let us pray and hope for the peace and stability to stay.
Back in my flat I have been entertaining. Alyssa came round for rare roast rib of beer. It was sublime. It hard to beat a sunny day with Handel and Offenbach, rare beef, roast potatoes in beef dripping, vegetables, horseradish, French cheese and biscuits all washed down with Chianti and fine company.
I have enjoyed the last week or so. And in the darkness of that black winter I never thought joy would ever come back to my life. But it has. I hope you too enjoy your Sunday.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday 12 September 2018
Affirmation in Tears.
The sun is setting in a sky streaked with broken clouds. I'm listening to Il Trittieo and trying to take in what has been three relatively anxiety free days. When I last spoke to you I had plans for London and Cambridge as well as belated birthday dinner with Sarah.
A week on from my last post all I set out to achieve has been achieved. Sarah delighted as she always does. Tory was as gentle and kind, understanding and tolerant as she has been for all of the 32 years we've known each other. And the big reunion was precisely that. We partied long into the night and put the class of 1998 with whom we shared the dinner to shame.
I came away feeling not too inadequate although it is easy to be overawed by the achievements of my peers. Hearing that people I played rugby with 30 years ago are already retired can be a sobering thought. But we weren't sober by any stretch of the imagination.
Waking late with a knock from the duty porter I felt okay although it might have been nice if we could have met for lunch. So I lunched on my own at The Eagle, great pub, terrible roast beef. But I came home content and stable.
At the point beyond half way in my first week back nothing has gone wrong. On the contrary things have gone right. Yesterday afternoon I met a young woman who is a GB international in her sport yet is ravaged by the nightmare of anxiety and the eternal battle with perfectionism. I did what I do, talked, told her the truth, acknowledged where she was at and helped her understand the demons. She cried almost with joy that not only did I give her time and made adjustments for her studies but also understood.
As that young woman's tears flowed I stared in the mirror and saw my life too. I'm certainly no international sportsman but I sang to the highest levels and paid a price for that. I still fight my demons but came away with the certain belief that I had changed a little part of someone's life. And that feels good.
The fear will come but for now it is not there. I have done some good and can acknowledge that. A few months ago that seemed impossible.
I Heard a Voice.
A week on from my last post all I set out to achieve has been achieved. Sarah delighted as she always does. Tory was as gentle and kind, understanding and tolerant as she has been for all of the 32 years we've known each other. And the big reunion was precisely that. We partied long into the night and put the class of 1998 with whom we shared the dinner to shame.
I came away feeling not too inadequate although it is easy to be overawed by the achievements of my peers. Hearing that people I played rugby with 30 years ago are already retired can be a sobering thought. But we weren't sober by any stretch of the imagination.
Waking late with a knock from the duty porter I felt okay although it might have been nice if we could have met for lunch. So I lunched on my own at The Eagle, great pub, terrible roast beef. But I came home content and stable.
At the point beyond half way in my first week back nothing has gone wrong. On the contrary things have gone right. Yesterday afternoon I met a young woman who is a GB international in her sport yet is ravaged by the nightmare of anxiety and the eternal battle with perfectionism. I did what I do, talked, told her the truth, acknowledged where she was at and helped her understand the demons. She cried almost with joy that not only did I give her time and made adjustments for her studies but also understood.
As that young woman's tears flowed I stared in the mirror and saw my life too. I'm certainly no international sportsman but I sang to the highest levels and paid a price for that. I still fight my demons but came away with the certain belief that I had changed a little part of someone's life. And that feels good.
The fear will come but for now it is not there. I have done some good and can acknowledge that. A few months ago that seemed impossible.
I Heard a Voice.
Wednesday 5 September 2018
The Land is Green and Lush Once More.
A mere few weeks ago the earth was parched, the grass looked dead, the stifling humidity sapped our energy and the skies were clear. Taking a drive into the country yesterday afternoon our green and pleasant land has returned. The fields are green and lush, the air is more manageable and the skies flecked with cloud.
Today was clear and pleasantly warm. I took the bus to St Albans for a wander. My friend Jazz had recommended I try Bar Meze for some Greek food. With the help of my phone I found it easily. Greeted by an affable smiling figure who might like Adonis have stepped out of a Greek legend I spent a delightful hour or so eating grilled sardines and lounza ham. A couple of chilled beers and it provided me with the perfect start to a holiday afternoon.
The centre of the city was littered with young men and women dressed in gowns and mortar boards ready for graduation. Three years ago I was amongst them. I recall that day in a mixed way. I was terrified something would go wrong. On a deeper level it was around that time that my anxiety became more severe and all encompassing. My job was changing and with hardly any training I was expected to do another role as well as my own. As I feared it proved to be a disaster and even now that change hammers my fear and self belief.
I'm trying very hard to stop worrying about next week. The last couple of days have been relatively relaxed but my sleep was poor last night. What will be will be.
The rest of my week off is getting a little busy. Food features a lot. Tomorrow I will see Yang at The Fu Hao. Friday takes me to London initially to see Krishna and then my school friend Tory. Then Cambridge.
Lots to look forward to but for now I listen to Cosi fan Tutte, I read and I sip Chianti. Not a bad way to spend an evening. Not sure when I will next come to talk to you. Until then have fun and stay safe.
I Heard a Voice.
Today was clear and pleasantly warm. I took the bus to St Albans for a wander. My friend Jazz had recommended I try Bar Meze for some Greek food. With the help of my phone I found it easily. Greeted by an affable smiling figure who might like Adonis have stepped out of a Greek legend I spent a delightful hour or so eating grilled sardines and lounza ham. A couple of chilled beers and it provided me with the perfect start to a holiday afternoon.
The centre of the city was littered with young men and women dressed in gowns and mortar boards ready for graduation. Three years ago I was amongst them. I recall that day in a mixed way. I was terrified something would go wrong. On a deeper level it was around that time that my anxiety became more severe and all encompassing. My job was changing and with hardly any training I was expected to do another role as well as my own. As I feared it proved to be a disaster and even now that change hammers my fear and self belief.
I'm trying very hard to stop worrying about next week. The last couple of days have been relatively relaxed but my sleep was poor last night. What will be will be.
The rest of my week off is getting a little busy. Food features a lot. Tomorrow I will see Yang at The Fu Hao. Friday takes me to London initially to see Krishna and then my school friend Tory. Then Cambridge.
Lots to look forward to but for now I listen to Cosi fan Tutte, I read and I sip Chianti. Not a bad way to spend an evening. Not sure when I will next come to talk to you. Until then have fun and stay safe.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday 2 September 2018
September at the Seaside.
What a lovely day down here in Kent! September may be here but the sun is shining, people are out and about and the final weekend of the holiday is drawing to a close. Thus far I haven't made it to the beach sadly. We had the intention of doing so today but closed chocolate shops, non setting cheesecake and a tired and after a while grumpy baby William had other ideas.
My lovely friend Katherine came down to visit with her 18 month old son today. Dad couldn't stay long as he had bowls but we have had a marvelous afternoon even if we didn't make it to the beach. So lovely to see them both. Life can be tough for all of us but seeing old friends always brightens the days.
I'm just over half way in my holiday. Been down at dad's since Friday. Not a bad journey down and so nice to see people. My time off has been good but still can't shake the anxiety of what is to come. Preparing for difficult times when anxious is always a recipe for disaster. Since my return to work I have expected every meeting to go wrong and expose my perceived inability to do what I once was so good at.
The accolades do still come, glowing testimony from those I have helped. Although since being back I have felt old, out of touch and an amateur all who know me know that that is me deceiving me. A cruel traits of mental illness to make us feel utterly worthless. Letting go is so hard.
As I stand on the cusp of year 12 in Hertfordshire my mind is racing. I had confidence on that day, exactly eleven years ago this day since I moved. How do I rebuild that? Do I want to rebuild that? So many unanswered questions.
They can wait though until a week has passed. Between now and then I have dinner with Sarah, an evening with my school friend Tory and then the big dinner back at Selwyn. Will I be overwhelmed by the success of my peers? Or will I accept that we are all flawed and those dreams of three decades ago were but youthful fantasy?
My lovely friend Katherine came down to visit with her 18 month old son today. Dad couldn't stay long as he had bowls but we have had a marvelous afternoon even if we didn't make it to the beach. So lovely to see them both. Life can be tough for all of us but seeing old friends always brightens the days.
I'm just over half way in my holiday. Been down at dad's since Friday. Not a bad journey down and so nice to see people. My time off has been good but still can't shake the anxiety of what is to come. Preparing for difficult times when anxious is always a recipe for disaster. Since my return to work I have expected every meeting to go wrong and expose my perceived inability to do what I once was so good at.
The accolades do still come, glowing testimony from those I have helped. Although since being back I have felt old, out of touch and an amateur all who know me know that that is me deceiving me. A cruel traits of mental illness to make us feel utterly worthless. Letting go is so hard.
As I stand on the cusp of year 12 in Hertfordshire my mind is racing. I had confidence on that day, exactly eleven years ago this day since I moved. How do I rebuild that? Do I want to rebuild that? So many unanswered questions.
They can wait though until a week has passed. Between now and then I have dinner with Sarah, an evening with my school friend Tory and then the big dinner back at Selwyn. Will I be overwhelmed by the success of my peers? Or will I accept that we are all flawed and those dreams of three decades ago were but youthful fantasy?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)