Past the Equinox.

Greetings to an unseen audience. So few people are reading at the moment but then again I am not posting much. 

After a difficult few months the Equinox has brought spring. Are things getting any better for me? Not really but they've not got worse. My day of fate has been and gone and I'm still standing. 

Years ago when Risperidone changed my life it felt that getting a job would be the final piece of the puzzle. In fact it made life more complicated. 

I am controversial, outspoken, too honest but have the credibility to back it up. That doesn't always go down well with my superiors. I wouldn't want to manage me. Try as I might work to live I still really struggle to let go. I'm too invested in the world of mental health. 

Recently I completed re reading my two memoirs, A Pillar of Impotence and Charon's Ferry. They were far more emotive than when I last read them. My emotion is quite raw at the moment. 

They may get more so. Back in 2014 I wrote a post entitled Pandora's Box. In it I surmised that one day King's College Choir would be added to the last music schools where safeguarding did not exist. I became aware last week that the link has been made in public. 

The edifice is crumbling. When will it come crashing down? And what does that mean for me? For those who lived through it in the 1970s and 1980s? We all bare our scars and as one friend said in December "each year I heal a little more of the trauma". Some refuse to ever talk about the choir.

Survivors. But it is hard.

Today has been spent alone. I've been food shopping. Tonight there will be steamed snapper marinated in charmoula. Tomorrow roast rack of lamb. The cooking goes on. 

I Heard a Voice.

Drifting Towards Fate.

The days are ticking by on my journey. A date with fate is twelve days away. Am I anxious? Yes. My adventure of the last few years has not been easy. When there are clashes and power plays a huge part it is not a surprise that I'm struggling. 

Nothing has been easy since leaving the university in 2021. What my therapist described as "came changing" has been a rocky road. And I am still trying to take it one step at a time. 

I have no idea if I've done enough. That is the whim of those with power. What lies in store that day?

Back to today the sun is shining on a warm spring day. I'm listening to The Marriage of Figaro and have been reading. 

Shortly I will begin cooking roast beef for lunch. Even having a go at Yorkshire pudding. They don't usually work well in my oven.

After lunch I will watch the rugby in The Hedgehog with friends. 

Tomorrow can wait until tomorrow. Today I do today and try to thrive after a dream affected start to the day.

I Heard a Voice. 

Infernal Dreams.

Why am I so cursed with dark, anxious and at times horrific dreams? A day on from posting about finally achieving stability it has been swept away by such nightmares. It feels at times as if I'm I'm wrapped around with a heavy cloak of fear.

My most recent nightmare before today's was so bad it destroyed three days of my life. Not un-noticed a friend suggested I do EMDR work. I can access it for free. The older I get the more my trauma history is opening up. Some parts I have long acknowledged. Others have only been open for 18 months.

I've spent more than two decades opening Pandora's Box for others, catching the demons and helping people put them in a safe place. I failed with Charlotte and now she's out of my life.

Yet who catches my demons? And there are many to catch. At the funeral in December a friend said as each year passes he heals a little of his trauma. Remember each Christmas when you watch Carols From King's or listen to Nine Lessons and Carols it was not without a price.

Another King's reunion beckons in April. Last year was tough for me because the truth is close to coming. It was also the day Charlotte picked up my messages which a few weeks later led her to walk out of my life.

Yet on this sunny Sunday afternoon I have The Magic Flute, I have Elizabeth David and I have my kitchen. There are small mercies even in difficult, anxiety ridden times.

I Heard a Voice. 

A Spring Day.

For the first time since November I feel today I have some sort of stability. November was mainly a month of flying too high. Then the crash came that thrust me into a perpetual winter of darkness. 

On this first day of spring I'm in a good place as the sun shines out in the world. 

A lot went wrong for me during the winter. So many urged me to get signed off long term sick. Yet I didn't and somehow weathered the storm.

I'm listening to Mozart and reading. I have just finished re-reading Charon's Ferry my second published book. Going back over the two books in that dark winter provoked emotion I did not expect. There were tears at times.

As my small boat rests in calm waters and in harbour at least for today I feel good. 

In two weeks I will be seeing my old psychiatrist. I'm hoping they take me on as they should. Whether that is the outcome I will get I don't know. I need to be back in the system. In fact I should never have been discharged in the first place.

Shortly I'm making a rendang paste. There will be beef rendang for dinner.  I'm hoping my friend Danielle will be joining me to share it. Tomorrow there will be roast pheasant for lunch then a fiery Thai green papaya salad for supper. 

Enjoy the sun while it shines.

I Heard a Voice. 

Flat Mood, Zero Motivation.

One of the less talked about aspects of living with a mood disorder that encompasses depression is the impact on motivation. Low mood is talked of. Changes in appetite. Accompanying anxiety. Today my mood is flat and I have zero motivation. 

I woke up very late after ten hours of sleep. The terrible anxiety of recent days has lifted a little. The two day headache gone. Getting out of bed took supreme effort. Coffee a mountain to climb. Cooking lunch, beyond me. So today I'm stuck. 

The instability in my life goes on. At least home is stable. But that in itself is not enough. Some remain distant from me. Important people. Work is tough and even two days away has not made it easier. 

Next week is half term. Work from home and get some study done. I have a meeting with UEA on Wednesday. As things stand I'm not going to pass. After all the hours and all the effort it feels disconcerting that the prize is beyond my reach. 

But today I just have to get through today. That will take supreme effort. Yes it's that tough. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Cold, Tired and Overwhelmed.

They came back in the early hours of this morning. The nightmares. I'm actually surprised given the last few months that they didn't return before. 

I woke on edge, overwhelmed and frightened. Add another cold and grey day and I lasted all of 10 minutes before ending my working day.

The anxiety has abated somewhat. I managed to shop for food, make lunch and wash up and do the washing. On such a tough day that is enough. 

My outlook remains bleak, my mood is only just hanging on but until today I had held my own.

What happens next I don't know. I will face each day as best I can. Spring will come. Change will come. And I will pick up. Just seems a way to go until then.

So yet another cold and grey day I wish you. I want to hibernate but I won't. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Mass of Contradictions.

On a bitterly cold Sunday morning with an icy hue across field and road you find me listening to Purcell. 

Life remains tense but just getting through one day at a time and one task at a time.

What makes it tough at the moment is those tasks change sometimes on an hourly basis and some are contradictory. Set me a target and I will strive to hit it. Make the target move I can get lost.

The world of mental health requires adaptability, patience and flexibility. I have survived more than two decades working and more than three decades living in that world. 

Life is hard going but I have my opera, my books, my kitchen, my food, and my wine. That helps. 

Talking of books I have just finished re-reading A Pillar of Impotence. Twenty years after completing the manuscript it remains a powerful but flawed narrative of what was. I was moved by the story more now than in 2013 when I last read it.

So on this beautiful sunny Sunday I will leave you. Have a good day.

I Heard a Voice.