One of the worst things I recall of a troubled, frightened childhood was constantly being compared to others and found wanting. My mum was the earliest protagonist in the debilitating, undermining and divisive destruction of my self confidence and self esteem.
Then there was school where I vacilated between being a superstar...what mum wanted...and an out of control kid always in trouble.
Now all these years after my breakdown people are staggered by the stories I tell and gaze in wonder at what I have achieved. Yet still the comparison goes on in my daily life at work and out of work.
My legacy of all that is when I have not done what I should at work, in my friendships and my daily life I always assume I'm the only one who is failing.
It's only when I talk to others I realise they are struggling with the same things too.
Mental health is massively exacerbated by isolation and feeling targeted. People say to me "why are you so hard on yourself?" Because that's all I know after years of expectation to be perfect.
Since the autumn I have felt isolated, targeted and being told I'm to blame for things not going perfectly. If I seek perfection I, like everyone, will fail. Each time I succeed with something I'm told I did something else wrong.
That does not lead to a healthy work, home and people environment. As a friend said during my 2018 crash stability is what matters. Life is made up of home, work and people. Instability in two is doable but in all three is impossible. At the moment I only have stability at home. Work and people are hard and not getting any easier.
I Heard a Voice.
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