Drifting Towards Fate.

The days are ticking by on my journey. A date with fate is twelve days away. Am I anxious? Yes. My adventure of the last few years has not been easy. When there are clashes and power plays a huge part it is not a surprise that I'm struggling. 

Nothing has been easy since leaving the university in 2021. What my therapist described as "came changing" has been a rocky road. And I am still trying to take it one step at a time. 

I have no idea if I've done enough. That is the whim of those with power. What lies in store that day?

Back to today the sun is shining on a warm spring day. I'm listening to The Marriage of Figaro and have been reading. 

Shortly I will begin cooking roast beef for lunch. Even having a go at Yorkshire pudding. They don't usually work well in my oven.

After lunch I will watch the rugby in The Hedgehog with friends. 

Tomorrow can wait until tomorrow. Today I do today and try to thrive after a dream affected start to the day.

I Heard a Voice. 

Infernal Dreams.

Why am I so cursed with dark, anxious and at times horrific dreams? A day on from posting about finally achieving stability it has been swept away by such nightmares. It feels at times as if I'm I'm wrapped around with a heavy cloak of fear.

My most recent nightmare before today's was so bad it destroyed three days of my life. Not un-noticed a friend suggested I do EMDR work. I can access it for free. The older I get the more my trauma history is opening up. Some parts I have long acknowledged. Others have only been open for 18 months.

I've spent more than two decades opening Pandora's Box for others, catching the demons and helping people put them in a safe place. I failed with Charlotte and now she's out of my life.

Yet who catches my demons? And there are many to catch. At the funeral in December a friend said as each year passes he heals a little of his trauma. Remember each Christmas when you watch Carols From King's or listen to Nine Lessons and Carols it was not without a price.

Another King's reunion beckons in April. Last year was tough for me because the truth is close to coming. It was also the day Charlotte picked up my messages which a few weeks later led her to walk out of my life.

Yet on this sunny Sunday afternoon I have The Magic Flute, I have Elizabeth David and I have my kitchen. There are small mercies even in difficult, anxiety ridden times.

I Heard a Voice. 

A Spring Day.

For the first time since November I feel today I have some sort of stability. November was mainly a month of flying too high. Then the crash came that thrust me into a perpetual winter of darkness. 

On this first day of spring I'm in a good place as the sun shines out in the world. 

A lot went wrong for me during the winter. So many urged me to get signed off long term sick. Yet I didn't and somehow weathered the storm.

I'm listening to Mozart and reading. I have just finished re-reading Charon's Ferry my second published book. Going back over the two books in that dark winter provoked emotion I did not expect. There were tears at times.

As my small boat rests in calm waters and in harbour at least for today I feel good. 

In two weeks I will be seeing my old psychiatrist. I'm hoping they take me on as they should. Whether that is the outcome I will get I don't know. I need to be back in the system. In fact I should never have been discharged in the first place.

Shortly I'm making a rendang paste. There will be beef rendang for dinner.  I'm hoping my friend Danielle will be joining me to share it. Tomorrow there will be roast pheasant for lunch then a fiery Thai green papaya salad for supper. 

Enjoy the sun while it shines.

I Heard a Voice.