Sunlit Walk in the Woods.

Hail and salutations on this beautiful day. It is still February so not as warm as it looks but it has been glorious. You find me on this Sunday afternoon listening to Puccini and just being. In truth it has a been a tumultuous couple of weeks since I was on here but today I feel good.

This was not the case to start the weekend. Going 24 hours without nicotine unexpectedly was brutal. It once again proved my distrust on things on line when my vape broke and the back up simply did not work. I can ask in a shop, I can't on line. Add in the stress of going to an unknown place for my vaccination then finding I had made an error in the booking and being turned away is it any wonder I was climbing the walls? Further added to that was a very intense work fortnight, mood teetering and touching mania and an utter inability to get out of bed it has been a difficult time.

Sitting here today though that all seems behind me. Well at least until I switch on my laptop in the morning. Taking advantage earlier on of the sunshine and less wet conditions I had a marvellous walk in the woods. The first time I have done the route Sarah showed me since the autumn. It was wonderful.

The day will continue in a sublime way with roast breast of turkey seasoned with thyme and sage then wrapped in bacon, roast potatoes, carrots, runner beans and purple sprouting broccoli and a bottle of Chardonnay. Perhaps a third opera of the day and hopefully a video call to dad.

With all that going on it seemed only sensible to heed the urging of my colleagues and take some time off. So the week of dad's birthday I will sleep late, be cultured and generally recuperate. Spring is here and we now seem to have some light at the end of the dark tunnel I have been in since effectively being locked down in November. I will get my first jab next week. I will enjoy the lighter days. I will continue to be civilised. And before too long I will see my friends once again.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.

Shadowy Dreaming.

Today I do not feel well. Actually things have not been right since the holidays. Recurrent stomach problems that I thought I had beaten returned today. Add in a sore throat and shakiness it seemed only sensible not to work today.

As so often happens when not well the shadowy dark dreams returned and all my fears and anxieties haunted me as I lay half asleep and shivering in bed this morning.

Funnily enough I had long chat with my friend Nikki last night which started with her relaying a dream she had of the two of us. It always disturbs me when people say they dream of me. I simply don't think I am important enough. We talked a lot about mental illness. Long diagnosed as having bipolar the illness has cost her a great deal. I think we both know that had we not met a darker outcome might have ensued. But we're both still standing even if I'm a little lame at the moment.

I always feel drained when illness strikes and the dreams come back. I did force myself to eat lunch but I can't be bothered to make batter for pancake today. Tomorrow will be Ash Wednesday and I will listen to our 1983 recording of Allegri's Miserere. 

Hopefully I will feel better then. Have too much to do to be laid up at home. For the rest of today though I doubt I'll venture far from the sofa and just try to work my way through things.

I Heard a Voice. 

Taking the Punches.

Sometimes the blows come from an unexpected place. On the Sunday after an at times difficult week I'm no longer reeling but I am anxious for the morrow.

My world can be pretty brutal on both sides of the fence. That I was so angry in my 20s and made life a misery for those trying to treat me is a source of regret and shame now. I would not have wanted to treat me back then.

Since then I have tried to bridge the gap between them and us. We can all feel pretty battered and bruised. The hardest part though is when the blows come from such an unexpected source. I always think I can work my students out pretty quickly but apparently on Thursday I was wrong. Time will tell the fall out but it didn't make me feel very good about myself or secure.

In fact much of the week was a challenge. Waking after troubled post Super Bowl broken sleep the long feared mental wall crashed into me. I'm proud how well I have done given that I'm effectively be shut off by the world for more than two months. It couldn't last forever though. Monday was brutal but I got through. On Tuesday I worked and then moved through the bruising week.

Come the weekend though I'm doing pretty well. It's still cold and bitter winds sweep across my world. It didn't stop me going for a walk in the woods yesterday. Finally invested in some Wellington boots to make it into the woods in winter.

I celebrated Chinese New Year on Friday with some rather good stir fried beef with broccoli in oyster sauce. Then I turned my skills to the waning game season. The pan fried medallions of venison were sublime in their port and blackberry sauce. This weekend I have really triumphed in the kitchen. Just got to nail the roast leg of lamb tonight now.

Whatever tomorrow brings you or me please take care. We will get there once day.

I Heard a Voice. 

Flecked With Snow.

Winter is definitely upon us this Sunday. Bitter cold, an icy wind and I came back from my walk flecked with snow. It was only a brief walk and I stopped off to say hello to my friend Jo from the end of her garden. With pestilence still stalking the land it feels far more frightening now than it did in the spring. I think Jo is just the sixth person I've seen since the holidays.

Despite the cold I'm not down hearted. I have The Marriage of Figaro playing, shoulder of pork in the oven and am getting ready for the Super Bowl tonight. You may all recall my normal routine on Super Bowl weekend is to visit Miriam and Nigel. But this year it is not to be. I'm just praying that Tom Brady doesn't win yet again.

Funny to think that three years ago on Monday I got the fateful text from my then landlord that I had to move. Along with dad being so ill at the time, those were truly dark days for me. However, now I'm in a much nicer flat, I get looked after by the agent, I have a consultant psychiatrist and a therapist. So over all I'm doing much better than then.

What the rest of February looks like is anyone's guess. I'm hoping to have had my first vaccine by spring. That is if the university doesn't push for it earlier. With each passing week I know more and more people who have had it. Many things have gone wrong in my country since the first lock down but it seems the vaccination programme is a huge success.

In the meantime I continue on in my cautious way. No friends, no pubs, no dinners, no restaurants. I miss all of that. One day though I will return to those fun times. Just not yet.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.