Masked and Restrained.

On a wet Saturday afternoon in July I'm musing on the divisions and uncertainty of the world. My title is not a reference to sexual practice kinky or otherwise. More it reflects that my country is now required to be masked to shop and that despite my mask I was restrained in my profligate spending before the rains came as I cautiously went to town.

Who knows where we are at with the pandemic. Whilst I have followed instructions for months now it does seem odd that at this point I am required to be masked rather than when fear stalked the land, the death toll was rising and our lives were as uncertain as I'd ever known. A lot of conspiracy views, political views and down right stupid views are littering social media. Are we being metaphorically and physically gagged?

In truth this post has gone through many different versions and false dawns since midweek. I could have posted several times but that would have been foolish. That it was tough going was an understatement. At times when we need to heal wounds adding salt is not the solution. But I think it is time for my long held silence, a silence that I turn in on myself and that impacts on my mental health, to end. It will be measured not angry. It will not be well received. And I don't think it will be listened to. But if we do not stand up bad things follow.

I regularly joke about being old. To my students I'm ancient. But until this week I had never felt old. Until this week. Feeling dated, obsolete and cast off I did not respond well. Thank goodness I had a therapy session which was extremely helpful. So too the wisdom of many kind friends who gave up their time to talk to me in the latter part of this week.

My future looks bleak and cloudy. However, the advice and realisation that I need to control what I can control has steadied the ship somewhat. True bad dreams woke me this morning and my mood is flat but I am not defeated.

As the rain comes down outside I must acknowledge the good, the cricket is on, I have wine, I'm writing on here, I have roast beef tomorrow, and I have the certain knowledge that whilst some quite rightly should be treated with suspicion not everyone is bad. My friends have proved that this week.

Take care.

I Heard a Voice.

More Emotion, Less Haste.

It wasn't until later this week when I thought about it I realised just how low I was on Tuesday. One of the odd things about my life is that in my work I'm at my best when the proverbial bullets are flying and chaos is all around yet on simple daily tasks I fall apart. The crippling anxiety of uncertainty paralysed me that day.

Now a few days later I'm on a more even keel, the big fear is sorted and I'm okay for having cancelled things. In the end it was Sarah rather than me who cancelled Borough Market on Wednesday. The relief coupled with my car being fixed made the terror melt away.

I've not been completely idle. I had a lovely walk through the woods to The Waggoners on Thursday with Gary. Then yesterday I drove to Sandridge for lunch with my friends Kym and Peter at The Rose and Crown. They're rather special in that both are wise and both get my world. I'm not always a lover of therapists but they are wise and share rather than the self righteousness of many I have met who make it all about themselves playing a game of their own making, own refereeing and own rules. Sadly they are very bad at explaining those rules. The other Peter who I consult every three weeks is like them. Human.

Of course this week flew by. It always does when we're away from work. I do not know what I will face come Monday morning but on this Saturday evening as I listen to Handel's Saul I don't really care. That it has been an expensive week was to be expected given that I needed my car fixed and I had a sight and contact lens test today. But I think I'm okay.

Tomorrow brings my friend Jo to join me for slow roast shoulder of pork, some opera and lots of laughs. Jo is big hearted, has a big voice and a big and somewhat dirty laugh. I like her company. She will try roasted fennel for the first time tomorrow. I like to educate as well as entertain.

I will return now to Handel. Take care out there and enjoy the weekend. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.

Emptiness and Nothingness.

I should have known today would not be good from waking after a bad dream and feeling starving hungry. The seeds were sown last night when dinner did not go to plan. Sometimes if I drink too much I have these terrible hungry hangovers. A burning desire to eat but feeling nauseous at the same time. But I didn't drink much so why did I feel so shit today? A chain reaction, starving, anxiety, nausea and a feeling of being lost all combined to bring on that terrible emptiness of nothing.

Without motivation it is hard to achieve anything. Yes I went out in my car, yes I window shopped, yes I put the washing on, yes I hoovered but still that nothingness, no mood either way. I suppose I feel marginally better for eating. I'm drinking water which always helps.

The thought of going to Borough Market as planned tomorrow fills me with dread. But I don't want to let Sarah down. I have plans every day this week except today. London tomorrow. Naima on Thursday. And Kym on Friday. At some point I need to get a new tyre for my car and defrost the freezer. Each brings its own terrors.

Living in fear of nothing and everything seems a curse bequeathed to me as I advance in years. What have I got to be frightened of? Nothing out of the ordinary. Yet still it devours me on days like today.

Holidays should be a time without fear. Yet without structure and purpose it is so easy to slip into that state. What I do to get out of it is unclear. I'm thinking I ought to go for a walk. It's grey and dull out but mild. Maybe into the woods? Or maybe just ride it out. Tomorrow is another day. And it could be better.

Will let you all know when I'm in a better place. I'm not sure why I'm writing this today. But here it is, my thoughts on an empty nothing day. Take care.

I Heard a Voice.

Dreaming of What Might Once Have Been.

The rain has been falling much of the day. Grey but mild, typical England on the first day of the First Test of a much delayed cricket season. I have my balcony door open to cool off a little. Rain like this doesn't annoy me except when it interferes with the cricket.

In its stead I'm listening to Don Giovanni and reflecting on an odd few days in what should be high summer. My terrible inadequacies at living independently and the anxiety that brings me have very much been to the fore. Problems with my car and my flat have kind of been resolved. I do need to go and get a tyre change but I'm hoping that can be resolved in my week off next week.

With the anxiety comes low mood but it hasn't been constant, I'm not rapid cycling and on this Wednesday night I'm fairly content. My hair is finally cut, I've mainly eaten well and I have all I need. Work has been quiet but mainly going well.

So what to say on this wet evening? Well to be honest it was a dream that was most memorable. You may recall how I am at times plagued by terrible nightmares. At best my dreams are weird and disturbing. Certainly it has improved since I stopped smoking in 2014. But still they haunt me. I do not get sweet dreams.

The shock of waking up at 4 am, sitting bolt upright in bed yesterday morning after a glorious dream was worth noticing. If you have read my books you will recall my breakdown and subsequent three decade battle with mental illness was overshadowed by a girl I call Rachel. That is actually her middle name, I do not use her first name publicly. What might have been but was not haunted me through hallucinations, mainly aural but sometimes I saw a terrifying image of a faceless young woman I knew to be her. Who can forget the chapter entitled Psychotic Zadok in A Pillar of Impotence in which a whole cathedral was taken over by a voice only I could hear? Her voice.

Almost twenty years since she last contacted me and with the help of Risperidone I'm no longer haunted in that way. I rarely think of her and the flashbacks and dissociation have largely receded. But she came in the early hours of yesterday morning. And it was so glorious. A wondrous dream which mainly faded but did not leave me terrified and sweating.

What might have been thirty years ago is not what turned out in the present. We take paths in life, some chosen, some enforced. But others also take paths in the same way and much of our lives paths can collide and intersect.

People sometimes ask me if I had my life again would it be without mental illness? A troubling question that is both superfluous, worthless and impossible to answer in a single word. What I do know though is that was what happened. I'm rarely bored. I've met amazing people. And I've helped a lot of those people. So good can come out of despair.

Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

First in the Door...of Course!

Hurrah!!!!! That day has arrived! Not for my friends on the other side of the Atlantic although I do wish you all a very happy independence day. No for us. After 15 weeks pubs and restaurants are finally open! And guess who was first in The Hedgehog? Me of course. So marvellous to be able to go out again. I only had two pints but it was worth it.

Later I will walk into town to see Yan and Lin at The Fu Hao, order salt and pepper ribs and crispy duck. On the first day I moved here I visited there and now after all this time I'm allowed back.

In the main I'm good. Been unsettled by a flat tyre on my car and a problem with my smoke alarm in the flat. The anxiety was intense at times but feel fairly relaxed now. There isn't much to watch at the moment so have some dull football match on. Glorious though this day may be I did not fancy sitting in the pub until I couldn't stand so for now I'm in my flat.

Beka rang earlier which was nice. I have few calls to make myself this afternoon, never really stop working.

I will return to my kitchen tomorrow. Roast chicken and a glass or two of Muscadet, some new potatoes, asparagus, carrots and purple sprouting broccoli. Sunday lunch is almost as glorious an institution as a pub.

Please enjoy this weekend as much as I will. See you all soon.

I Heard a Voice.