Some days we just have to put down to experience. I have known a crash was coming for some time. I talked to my therapist at length about the upcoming anniversary on Tuesday and what that will bring for me on Wednesday. He was very helpful but it still doesn't cushion the blow when it comes. The surprise is that it came last night.
My Friday night catch up with the Selwyn crew has become a ritual for me during shutdown. I came to the party late owing to my fear of technology. Once I got going though it is now a valued part of my life. Yesterday came the old photos day. I don't have many photos of those days here. They may be at dad's although they may have been thrown out when he moved.
The shock was a hitherto unknown photo of graduation day. Tinged with fear and bad memories I had mainly expunged that day from my memory. Standing outside out house at 21, West Road, Cambridge in our youthful finery were my housemate Matt and me. It should have been a glorious day. In fact I had decided two nights before that suicide was the only answer. I was so close to breakdown yet nothing showed on that photo. Six weeks later I would be in hospital and in the grips of a full on psychotic breakdown.
Looking back I had already been in deep psychotic depression for a shade over a year. Some might say how on earth could I get a degree in that state? I do not know. But it was the end of a cherished era and looking forward all I could see was darkness and loneliness. Suicide was the only possible option that day.
Against my better judgement I posted it on Facebook. Not because I was looking for likes but because I knew it would make people smile. Later when the crash happened as it was inevitably going to do I wanted to take it down. Yet there it remains a monument to a terrifying day 29 years ago.
Today was always going to be difficult after that. And true to expectation that happened. All my plans fell through. With the exception of soy sauce which I failed to get last week my shopping expedition came back empty handed. My washing lays unkempt and undone. My cleaning didn't happen. And lunch was a supreme effort.
Wine has helped as had Handel. My natural instinct when like this is the shut down from the world. But my friend Ellie reached out and that helped. She too is in the grip of a devastating anniversary.
You may hear from me on Tuesday. I'm not going to work and will not communicate with the world except possibly on here. If you are reading and worried don't be. I just need a break from reality for a little while.
I Heard a Voice.
No comments:
Post a Comment