Celebrating Us.

My real name is Mark. I live in the UK. I sang in King's College choir in Cambridge as a child. I studied at Cambridge twice. I have been unemployed and unemployable. I have a job. I live in a small flat. I have friends. I have a small family. I live alone. I've never been married. I have no children. I like cooking. I like beer. I like wine. I like opera. I like Inspector Morse. I have triumphed. I have failed. I have fought back. I have survived. And I have a mental illness.

When I started writing this blog in 2010 I wanted to promote my the forthcoming first book. I also wanted to celebrate food and cooking. The audience has waxed and waned. At the moment it feels as if hardly anyone is out there. But it doesn't matter, I like writing this tome.

There are many aspects to my life, good and bad. Yet on this World Mental Health Day I come here as brutally honest, mentally naked and utterly vulnerable. Back when I had my breakdown no one talked about mental health. We were still locked up in grand but decaying buildings that could not be seen. Now everyone is talking about mental health.

After my breakdown in the lonely despair the first people who reached out to me were the mentally ill. Yes us, the people we celebrate today. Some say I sold my soul to the devil by siding with and working with the enemy. I swore I'd never do that but when it came down to fighting back the teaching profession didn't want me. The mental health world did.

Some fifteen years later I am tired, jaded and cynical. I berate myself for being less compassionate than my colleagues or indeed I should be.

In midst of the chaos of the start of another academic year I'm ashamed to say I didn't wear yellow to celebrate this day. In truth I avoided those e mails. So much pressure has been put on me to do something over the last years that I dread the words World Mental Health Day.

Coming home though I posted on Facebook about this day. I was stunned to get a comment from a friend of twenty years openly saying she wouldn't be here today without me. It put in perspective what felt like I day I had failed and utterly let people down.

Today is our day. But to get out of there we must choose life. My 20s were defined by mental illness and my identity was purely that. Now I am many things. Many things both flawed and good.

I will take that after a tough day. Steak and chips adorned my table. Acis and Galatea accompanies me along with a glass of good Chianti. Tomorrow is another day and I go back into battle. And yes much of the time it is a battle.

Enjoy this day for this is for all or us. The mentally ill, the colleagues, the families, the friends and what I would never have said back then the professionals. Do take care out there. For once I will sign my real name.

Mark