Rain on Parched Earth.

The rains have come. Flaming June did not last more than a couple of days. But I got to feel the beautiful smell of rain on parched earth. That is a sign of summer. Not as parched as a year ago when we had that long heat wave.

Today has been quite tough. I have no doubt that when I go in tomorrow that my name will be mud. Mud for not doing what people think I can do when in reality I have no power to do it. It leaves me feeling sour and annoyed. The expectation far outstrips my capacity to do what some ask of me. What might have happened today has now been delayed until at least tomorrow. So when I do go back the same will be thrust upon me. Such is the pressure we feel under with mental health and universities. Who actually knows what the issues are? Who actually knows what we can do about it? And who actually knows what our duty of care is? None of this has ever been clear to me.

An on edge evening is being tempered by Maria Callas. Not a bad riposte I suppose. La Traviata is so well known by its drinking song and arias although I suspect much of the population have no idea what the work is called or who wrote it. With luck it will bring calm.

The reason I was not around to do what every thinks I can do is that it was a therapy day. Given that I can only make it every two to three weeks I wasn't prepared to cancel and wait another three weeks. I now know it will now be many weeks until I see my psychiatrist. I've waited since October to see him having cancelled my last appointment because of urgent things at work that didn't even happen. So no more.

This taking a stance comes with a price though. A feeling that feeds into my sometimes depressed mind that I'm lazy, self indulgent and uncaring. I do not need to have that implied by others. I beat myself up about it enough myself.

My kitchen ventures were fun, semi successful but very messy. Who could have thought a simple supper of cauliflower cheese could create such a mess? The draining board is stacked high. I had intended to do some cleaning tonight as Jess can't make it round this week but alas no. Must be tomorrow as Beka is coming to stay on Thursday.

Sulk over, see you soon. I'm going back to Verdi and Nin.

I Heard a Voice.