Figaro to the End.

A pale December moon is partially obscured by cloud. The rain is falling on and off. It is not cold but it is very dark. Two days before the winter solstice I have finally finished for the holiday. Way back in June when I took my first tentative steps back to work I was filled with terror, had lost all my confidence and was convinced that I was the most useless waste of space on the planet. Such is the world that mood disorders and more specifically deep depression bequeaths us. Anyone who tells you that depression is easy or a myth is a liar. It can devastate lives.

When I read Matt Haig's wonderful book Reasons to Stay Alive a couple of years ago at the suggestion of Ros I was struck by many things. What I took away most was his comment that "adding anxiety to depression is like giving cocaine to an alcoholic". How very true. I've never tried cocaine and have no intention ever to so do but I do like to drink.

The realisation that anxiety has haunted my life for years just as it did mum's has only really come into full focus in the last year.

Now six months on from my return to work anxiety is mainly at bay. The term though hard has mainly gone well and once again I can believe maybe 5% of the great plaudits my work sometimes attracts. The mania of October is gone but I'm good. The conceited arrogance of some of my life both working and not working is at bay but I'm thriving.

I'm off now until 7th January. I'm very mindful of the events of Christmas a year ago but much less fearful. My last night in Hertfordshire has seen me clear up and eat ribs. The sublime genius that is Figaro plays and I survey my desk cluttered as it is with unchecked lottery tickets, empty envelopes, lovely Christmas cards and other detritus from my not very ordered life.

If you have been reading for a while even from a distance please take away that I value all of you just looking and reading as much as I do the many who have supported me in other ways at times during this sometime dark year.

Next time I will post I will be by the sea. See you then.

I Heard a Voice.