On a sunny October afternoon I'm home doing things around the flat, listening to Classic FM and trying to take stock of the last week or so. How shall I put this? I've been flying on and off for over a week. O how I have longed for this sensation to come back. Sharp, funny, cutting, arrogant. Not necessarily words I culture in my life. But I have had to fight hard in recent days to stop myself letting rip and break down the frail strands of relationships when I'm like this.
Views differ on what I should do. When three bipolar friends tell me to go to doctor and or increase my medication I should take heed. However, as my teacher friend Sarah said last night "it is so nice to see you happy". Have I been that unhappy that long? Yes is the simple answer.
I don't want to calm down. I want to ride the wave. But when faced with the urge to drive very fast and blare out The Dead Kennedys on my way home I must think hard. I need to slow down but I don't want to.
Had an interesting chat with Lena yesterday to try to explain what it is like. She seemed fascinated, confused but supportive. In the end I came home a little early. I will have to take things day to day in the coming weeks.
The sense of virtue that finally getting things done in the flat feels warm but a waste of energy. Needs to be done whether flying or despairing. My kitchen awaits the next extravaganza of self indulgence. Last night it was Poulet au Parmentier topped with grated gruyere cheese, stunning. For lunch a little bangbang chicken to be followed tonight by rare sirloin steak. Might just have to open the rather nice bottle of Chianti I bought yesterday. The spending goes on.
Tomorrow I will roast a brace of partridge wrapped in smoked streaky bacon along with roast potatoes, carrots, cabbage and sprouts for a decadent Sunday lunch with Alyssa. Have to choose some wine for that.
Whether I blaze a trail or crash and burn in the coming weeks it is nice to glimpse that the highs however limited compared to some can come back. And that seemed a long way off back in the depths of winter.
See you all soon.
I Heard a Voice.
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