Braking Hard.

Monday afternoon. The sun is still shining. The leaves continue to fall gently. And the mild air belies an unusual autumn. A couple of days after my last post on here I'm home, desolate and empty. As I feared I needed to hit the brakes. And I hit them pretty hard.

Back in the day when I found the miracle that is Risperidone it sent me into orbit for months. It was fabulous. Everyone loved it and I didn't do anything stupid or act erratically. Finding the Holy Grail is what every psychiatric patient yearns for. And I found it.

Recent months have taught me that the picture is no longer as simple as a wonder drug. More a careful balancing act between circumstance, expectation and the sheer will to fight through the hard times. And fought I have even when there seemed no hope of victory.

I can probably date the shift back to the start of term. As had happened in the early days my mood and energy rose, my confidence surged and I was back to my brilliant best. Whilst I did not believe I could do it anymore for a long time recent events have proved otherwise. The trouble is I rose too much.

Hitting the brakes was not what I wanted on Saturday. I was slightly relieved my original plan for Saturday didn't work out as I'm glad I didn't wake up regretting my actions. We all have to wake up and it was to desolation, emptiness and longing for what had been.

I did manage to cook a fine lunch, enjoy Alyssa's company and sit in the sun in the garden of the pub. Underneath though the emptiness was disconcerting. So late yesterday afternoon I took the plunge and cancelled the beginning of the week.

The night that followed an empty mind was anything but empty. Just when I wanted to rest, recharge and rebuild the dreams came back. Mum was prominent in several including a particularly hideous nightmare. Almost as it was when I smoked. Why does the magic kill the day and devastate the night?

Getting up late I have done little. Some pasta with a tomato, chilli, caper and mint sauce sufficed for lunch. My plan for dinner has been cancelled. Yet as the sun keeps heading west I'm listening to Britten's A Ceremony of Carols, wishing Jess a happy 40th birthday and realising it is okay to take time out. The brakes needed to be hit and I will bounce back soon.

I Heard a Voice.