Well, it was a year ago today that I crashed. I had being running hard for weeks, life was great; as it turned out it was too great. What goes up must come down. And by God did I come down.
When I was better in about April, I reflected on a very different period of illness. There were no voices. I didn't feel suicidal. I was certainly very low. But more than anything else was a chronic feeling of emptiness.
Anniversaries always played a huge part in my years of illness-16th June; 10th August; 26th September; and of course Christmas. But those days are I hope long gone. In recent years I have only had 3 relapses none of which really lasted at its most intense any longer than 3 weeks. Now I treble my medication, take a step away from life and sleep. A year ago I slept 14 hours a day. Sleep is so precious to me; for years I had so little. Simple precaution now-get lots of sleep especially at weekends.
So what of today? A year on I am doing very well. Not as up as I was before Christmas but still on the plus side of my moodscale. I've survived my first week back at work. It's the weekend. The cover of my book is complete. My friend is coming over for a curry later and I have a Corsican style stew marinading in the fridge-supposed to be boar but couldn't get any so making do with pork. Life looks good!
And what of tomorrow? A task-check the proofs of "A Pillar of Impotence". Once that is done it all goes off to the printers. After that the culmination of 9 years project. There will be a mighty celebration when that day finally comes!
I Heard a Voice.
Friday 14 January 2011
Wednesday 12 January 2011
Benefits, Anger, and Suicide.
Well I've been back three days now and already tired. For years I was plagued with insomnia. To a large extent that is now sorted by one of my two medications. But I'm sometimes badly affected by nightmares; the last few weeks has been one of those times. So I woke up at 6.30 am today and could not get back to sleep; too much on my mind. So I actually went into work early today-that's quite unusual.
So find myself at home, tired, listening to the Jam, and digesting some fine Malaysian prawns I cooked earlier and contemplating the day. And a small part of today was taken up by looking at various MH blogs.
There is one theme that keeps dominating at the moment-benefit changes. I talked briefly in previous postings of my battles for benefits when I needed them and the fact that despite the fact I have what is probably a life long disability I am entitled to nothing as I'm too well.
When I was on them it seemed as if the various guises of what is now the Department of Work and Pensions was fighting a personal crusade against. I felt judged, attacked, threatened and lied about. On more than one occasion I was driven to the brink of suicide. Fortunately I'm not in that place now.
But many people out there are in that terrible place right now. I was particularly saddened to see a heart rending post from someone who seems to have had MH difficulties for years and endured homelessness setting out precisely what will happen to her if her next assessment goes badly; she will kill herself.
I talk towards the end of my book about the dangers that the DWP poses to the lives of the vulnerable. The Department of Health set targets to reduce suicides (and if we believe official figures which I don't there has been some improvement in the last 10 years) and the DWP sets out to reduce the benefit bill. The two are not compatible! The suicide figures will inevitably rise.
Over the years I have become acutely aware how few people really know anything about mental illness. Many of the public don't care, GPs have many specialisms but few are experts on mental health, and many MH professionals are not very good.
So who conducts these assessments for the DWP? People who on the whole know fuck all! They can't even agree what the best way to assess mental health is.
I fear for the lives both figuratively and literally for all those who are at the mercy of such tests.
I Heard a Voice.
PS I now have the proofs of the book; just need to check them then they finally go to the printers. We're getting there!
So find myself at home, tired, listening to the Jam, and digesting some fine Malaysian prawns I cooked earlier and contemplating the day. And a small part of today was taken up by looking at various MH blogs.
There is one theme that keeps dominating at the moment-benefit changes. I talked briefly in previous postings of my battles for benefits when I needed them and the fact that despite the fact I have what is probably a life long disability I am entitled to nothing as I'm too well.
When I was on them it seemed as if the various guises of what is now the Department of Work and Pensions was fighting a personal crusade against. I felt judged, attacked, threatened and lied about. On more than one occasion I was driven to the brink of suicide. Fortunately I'm not in that place now.
But many people out there are in that terrible place right now. I was particularly saddened to see a heart rending post from someone who seems to have had MH difficulties for years and endured homelessness setting out precisely what will happen to her if her next assessment goes badly; she will kill herself.
I talk towards the end of my book about the dangers that the DWP poses to the lives of the vulnerable. The Department of Health set targets to reduce suicides (and if we believe official figures which I don't there has been some improvement in the last 10 years) and the DWP sets out to reduce the benefit bill. The two are not compatible! The suicide figures will inevitably rise.
Over the years I have become acutely aware how few people really know anything about mental illness. Many of the public don't care, GPs have many specialisms but few are experts on mental health, and many MH professionals are not very good.
So who conducts these assessments for the DWP? People who on the whole know fuck all! They can't even agree what the best way to assess mental health is.
I fear for the lives both figuratively and literally for all those who are at the mercy of such tests.
I Heard a Voice.
PS I now have the proofs of the book; just need to check them then they finally go to the printers. We're getting there!
Friday 7 January 2011
The End is in Sight!
Well, here I am on cold and very wet day contemplating the end of my long holiday. Today is the last day. I've never actually had 3 weeks of holiday in one go since I started work. Was a bit concerned I might get bored but on the whole it has been pretty good. Managed to visit London a couple of times and St Albans. And of course my week in Kent.
This afternoon I went out to a quiet country pub and watched the world go by. Simple pleasures. Came home to for tea and have been contemplating what to cook. Decided to try something different, a tamarind chicken casserole. I do like trying new things; usually they come out okay but occasionally it goes disastrously wrong. Let's home today is not one of those days.
My mood remains on the plus side of the scale but not as up as it was before Christmas. I've tried to shy away from mental health during my holiday. But that is hard to do when one lives constantly with returning threat of illness. But I try not to worry about that too much.
On Monday I go back to that world. I always expect the unexpected; that's what makes my job fascinating.
I Heard a Voice.
This afternoon I went out to a quiet country pub and watched the world go by. Simple pleasures. Came home to for tea and have been contemplating what to cook. Decided to try something different, a tamarind chicken casserole. I do like trying new things; usually they come out okay but occasionally it goes disastrously wrong. Let's home today is not one of those days.
My mood remains on the plus side of the scale but not as up as it was before Christmas. I've tried to shy away from mental health during my holiday. But that is hard to do when one lives constantly with returning threat of illness. But I try not to worry about that too much.
On Monday I go back to that world. I always expect the unexpected; that's what makes my job fascinating.
I Heard a Voice.
Sunday 2 January 2011
The Morning after the Night Before!
Well, 2011 dawned with quiet, soft rain and the mother of all hangovers! Back up to speed now though, had some rare beef, am listening to Cosi fan Tutti and drinking a fine rioja. As you can see normal service has returned.
I reflect on the last year with a curious mix of delight and sadness. A year ago I thought I was headed back to my beloved Cambridge to live, my mood was flying and all seemed rosy. Then the crash happened. Cambridge did not work out and I had the worst relapse in 9 years. Funnily enough I had no psychosis that time. I had to take time off which I hate doing for my madness, and then worked part time for a few weeks.
So what of now? My mood has been flying again for several months. Then just in the last 10 days or so it has slipped back somewhat. I'm not depressed just a little lower than I have been. I wonder if that will last.
Still have another week off before my return to the university. Nice to have a break but I'm sure normal chaos will resume when I'm back there. Hoping to hit St Albans on Wednesday and maybe another trip to London at some point.
More soon.
I Heard a Voice.
I reflect on the last year with a curious mix of delight and sadness. A year ago I thought I was headed back to my beloved Cambridge to live, my mood was flying and all seemed rosy. Then the crash happened. Cambridge did not work out and I had the worst relapse in 9 years. Funnily enough I had no psychosis that time. I had to take time off which I hate doing for my madness, and then worked part time for a few weeks.
So what of now? My mood has been flying again for several months. Then just in the last 10 days or so it has slipped back somewhat. I'm not depressed just a little lower than I have been. I wonder if that will last.
Still have another week off before my return to the university. Nice to have a break but I'm sure normal chaos will resume when I'm back there. Hoping to hit St Albans on Wednesday and maybe another trip to London at some point.
More soon.
I Heard a Voice.
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