Fear and Paranoia.

This last week was hard. Not all bad but it was hard. Being angry and paranoid never sits well with me. But I know my critics sometimes rage and that makes me rage. But tomorrow is another day and I will stay true to myself. 

33 years into my journey in mental health I am who I am. I speak out and not everyone appreciates that. Yet if I don't speak out who will?

A former colleague once said to me "you're the only person I have ever met who talks about the shadow". I asked what that meant and she said it is a term in Jungian psychotherapy that is the truth no one ever speaks. 

Where I've got in trouble in my career is when I speak the truth no one wants to hear. Many find it hard to hear the truth.

Troubling though the first part of the week was Faith was restored on Thursday. Facing an interview for the first time in over two years I don't think it could have gone any better. My presentation was so comprehensive the panel had no questions. The interview questions were all answered I hope eloquently. Just as important they answered my questions. 

At the end I said it would be controversial for a non qualified person like me to be appointed. The response was "you were shortlisted for a reason, experience counts".

We will see in the week. 

Back to today Mozart plays. A shoulder joint of pork will go in the oven at 2 pm. I do like Sundays!

I Heard a Voice. 

Slumbering Change Before the Snow.

Greetings on this cold late November day. Actually it has been freezing all week and we're bracing ourselves for snow tomorrow. 

Opera night is in full swing with Madame Butterfly and dinner is in the oven. Greek baked prawns with tomatoes, pepper, oregano and feta. Smells great. 

You find me trying to shake off the latest autumn lurgy. Seem to have caught everything bar covid the last couple of months. 

Despite that I'm making progress. A plan is afoot for change that I didn't seek. More an opportunity than an aspiration. I'm not very good at attention to detail but of the five hurdles I face in my operation three are complete. Sequential as they are I've needed to be unusually methodical in my approach.

The next hurdle will be faced at 11 am on Thursday next week. Then is my opportunity to talk and hopefully blow the audience away. Everyone believes I will smash it to use the parlance of today. 

Before then though I have to deliver to a number of 6th form students on university, mental health and change. That's scheduled for Friday morning. Looking forward to that. 

The weekend beckons, quite fancy Sunday lunch at The Waggoners. Last weekend I went to Borough Market which was sublime on Friday. The lunch at The Waggoners on Saturday. Sarah and I are booked there on 14th December, we want to catch the visiting Carol Singers.

Advent Sunday approaches; I get to hear the epic Low He Comes with Clouds Descending. One of the greatest hymns I know. 

Take care.

I Heard a Voice. 

Death of a Book Case.

When I first moved to this part of town in 2009 my very dubious landlord kitted out the flat. Cheap junk which just about summed him up. I had told him of my love for books. What I ended up with was a flimsy wobbly book case.

A move later to the flat I now own the book case came too. Then after having a pint more than was perhaps wise I lost my balance and crashed into it. The book case is dead and there are books everywhere!

Despite this calamity you find on a Sunday morning tired but good. 

Things are afoot. A plan is in place. In a couple of weeks I must do the presentation of my life and shine. An interview is looming. And I'm good at interviews. But that can wait.

Today though is more sedate. Opera plays, belly pork is in the oven and a quiet day is underway. 

Happy Sunday all.

I Heard a Voice. 

The Loneliness of Being

I slept poorly again, my mood is low, it's pouring with rain and I wish I was back in bed. Today is not good. 

Tired and hungry, not even the smell of roast beef has lightened my mood. 

Sometimes living alone feels hopeless. That terrible adage of depression is that I desperately want to be with people but I desperately want to be alone. 

My lovely friend Ruth did ring and Katie left a voice note but other than that no human contact today. My neighbour Leo is coming for lunch but that is making me anxious. 

What has brought this on remains a mystery. The fall out of yesterday's post? A natural shift in mood downwards? The culprit may never be known but today being me is no fun.

I feel in need of a break but nothing on the horizon until Christmas. And that seems a long way away today. Stop the world I want to get off.

The sun in my life will rise again. Today, tomorrow, who knows. Wish it would hurry up.

I Heard a Voice. 

The Dark Past.

You may be wondering where I have been the last few weeks. It's not that I didn't have anything to say but more how to say it.

The darkness came the Tuesday before last and things long buried and misunderstood came crashing out. It felt like the sky fell in.

A man at some point in the past settled in a French village. He was clever with words, was charismatic and had a penchant for bow ties. He used a local name. And back in the summer he disappeared. 

If a stranger comes into my community for no apparent reason my question is what is he running from. 

I know what that man was running from. And I know his real name.

My working life and my mental health life have exposed me to unimaginable darkness and danger at times. But I have very rarely met evil.

Stunned into silence by the news that the missing man had killed himself. My thoughts exploded and I didn't know what to do. Was he evil? I think he may well have been. One friend who is a priest had no qualms in stating he was glad of the death of another child abuser. 

I don't know what to think. But what I do know is that I must go on as me and not be tainted by badness and the manipulation of one so absorbed by his own need.

I Heard a Voice  

Another Week Done.

The chill of autumn has arrived. The sun is shining and the air still. I like this time of year. 

In my small world a very long working week is done. Tiring but it went well. 

Tuesday marked World Mental Health Day which is very important to me. The team did their bit and I spoke out. It also marked the 10th anniversary of the publication of Charon's Ferry my second book. 

My cold has finally lifted and I feel better. The weekend will be marked by good food. Last night there were Moroccan sardine balls with garlic, cumin and tomato sauce. Pan fried duck breast with a blackberry and cassis sauce is on offer tonight. And roast partridge tomorrow. 

Bought a good bottle of Toscana to go with it all.

Have a great weekend if you can in this troubled world. 

I Heard a Voice.

Late Summer, Early Autumn.

What a beautiful few days it has been. The warmth of summer in October autumn. You find me as I'm wont to be on a Sunday morning listening to opera and reading. 

Despite the lovely weather I have been under the weather since Friday. A seasonal cold that is doing the rounds. But I will be fine. 

Last week started off poorly. Sometimes I have to go to difficult meetings. But it got better. In the main part stemming from a call on Monday evening from my lovely friend Charlotte who has more or less been missing in action for nearly a year. Always lights up my day when we speak.

It was her birthday yesterday, would have been lovely to speak but it wasn't to be.

I make little comment on the current geopolitical situation our unstable world other than to mourn the losses all round. War is a terrible thing. 

Such events are beyond my control. In my little world I'm enjoying the solitude, looking forward to roast lamb for lunch and a glass of Rioja. 

Tonight I get to watch the Rams. 

Have a good week all.

I Heard a Voice.