Waning Days.

Time ticks on as ever. In the blink of an eye seemingly my holiday is almost at an end. We barely saw the sun but what a break it has been. My time of yesteryear is waning too just like my holiday. What will come will come.

So far I've done all that is asked of me. Anxiety still stalks me and sleep has been poor. But I'm getting there. These little things are sent to try us.

Today's plan is cricket, butcher, more cricket, a call to my friend Ella then a Selwyn zoom late afternoon. That sounds like a good day. Pretty evenly poised in the test match.

Returning to work on Monday will be challenging but okay. I will contact all the many friends I have met in academic schools with my news. Some already know. I wonder if we'll have a party? That would be nice but those things have waned somewhat during the pandemic.

I'm looking forward to seeing dad a week tomorrow. We had a video chat last night which was good. I will do some nice cooking when I'm down and hopefully see a few people. Coincidentally although possibly by design my friend Annabelle will be staying with Beka at the same time so let's hope we can hook up.

Before then though there is a weekend to enjoy. I'm cooking a trout fillet for my supper with some new potatoes and vegetables tonight. A glass of Picpoul de Pinet with that. Not sure about tomorrow but I have ordered some turkey breast for Sunday. Sarah is going to join me.

Have a great weekend everyone.

I Heard a Voice. 

Triumphant Change.

On this grey final day of summer I break my silence to you all. I say all but actually very few people have been reading recently. But I'm not worried about that. I just like to indulge myself a little longer. The summer has been pretty bleak affair in the main and has gone far too quickly. I haven't seen the sun for a few days and I can definitely feel the chill of autumn coming.

Yet sunshine has lit up my life for the last week or so. After so long feeling bad about myself, doubting my ability and battling increasing anxiety my life has taken a huge step in a new direction.

Last Monday after a 25 minute video interview I was appointed the Team Leader for the new Mental Health Support Team delivering mental health provision into schools in Welwyn and Hatfield. They must have liked me as they offered me the job within 10 minutes.

My head is still spinning, my emotion all over the place but I have finally triumphed in my long journey to move on in my life. I never believed that would happen and have for a long time feared that was it on my career.

Excited and terrified in equal measure but that is to be expected. Starting again at 52 is a daunting prospect but I know I'm doing the right thing.

The news has made my holiday. I remain off until next week and celebrated my birthday yesterday with Miriam and Nigel for lunch and then a couple of drinks in the evening. Tomorrow I'm hoping to meet an old Cambridge friend. The optician awaits on Thursday but little else planned.

Wherever you are in the world please take notice that change can happen even when feeling very stuck. I was frightened throughout the process but I triumphed in the end.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice. 

Catching Up With My Past.

On this cold August day where the chill of autumn is in the air I bid you all hello. Yes it has been some time since I was on here. So on my lunch break I thought I'd write a short piece.

Life remains up and down for me but I'm managing. The unsettled sleep certainly doesn't help, I woke four times this morning from 5.30 and never really got back to sleep properly. An uneven start but have stabilised now.

I took a big step last week to try to alter how my life goes. I suspect as has been the case for the last nine years it will be a step to nowhere. But without taking that step I will never know what might have been. I anticipate knowing a little more.

Aside from that it was great to see old friends and go to old haunts on what was a long weekend for me. Yesterday I returned to Borough Market for the first time in nearly a year. Meeting my friend Charlotte who I have not seen for nearly two years we had an awesome day. Also an awesome assault on my bank balance but never mind.

Lunching as I'm wont at Brindisa I introduced the vegetarian Charlotte to cuttlefish, prawns and anchovies. Quite a success as she liked them. The lunch was wonderful.

Then on to the Market. I emerged with a wild mallard, Cabrales cheese for Jo, some Mojame, and many spices to refresh my spice cupboard. Very pleased with my haul.

And then to what was The Grapes and the shadow of the place I called The Hotel California in A Pillar of Impotence. Yes I still retain and return to the places of darker times. But I'm okay with that.

Back in reality now I'm working until the end of the week then have my annual birthday holiday. 52 feels scarier than 50 but it is what it is.

More soon.

I Heard a Voice. 

Looking Back.

Hi there, been a while. On a wet Friday lunchtime a quick hello from me. As things stand come 4 pm I will have completed two full weeks back at work for the first time since May. That is a good thing. I'm taking things gently until my occupational health appointment on Tuesday. Then we will see.

My holidays are approaching, two weeks for my birthday then another week before the start of term. I hope to visit dad at some point. Marie is visiting in mid September. And hopefully we can fit in the postponed visit from Nikki, sadly she was unwell when due up here last week. I also intend a day or two here and there to meet specific friends.

Yesterday I did some looking back on my posts from 2021. Funny how the mind deceives us. My thought is that I have managed really well all things considered. Until my slump in June. But looking back it has been a difficult year and I haven't managed as well as I might like to think.

Not a lot of cheer in those posts but I hope today will be joyful. I get paid. I will visit the Turkish barber after work for indulgence. I have more money that I anticipated. I will eat out. And I will have nice wine.

More importantly than that though my mood is good and my anxiety is low. I'm managing better than I have for several weeks. And with the coming slow down and time off I have an opportunity to recuperate before the onslaught of late September.

The weekend brings time in the kitchen. Steak tomorrow, rare roast beef on Sunday, and pork chop on Monday. After that I don't know. But it will be good.

Take care on this wet afternoon.

I Heard a Voice. 

Shaded Solitude.

 Been a while my friends. And most of that while has not been kind to me. Low mood, high anxiety and obsessional thoughts. My medication has been up for two a half weeks. 

Finally when the regime finally pays dividends I'm hit with another covid alert. I know who and where it came from this time. But that really help. 

I haven't stayed home completely, I have to buy food. But I'm being cautious. 

On such a blisteringly hot day I had to get out for a while. And I chose the shaded solitude of the woods. Completely alone in there there was no chance of putting anyone at risk.

The solitude comes to an end on Thursday. Just in time for my friend Nikki to visit on Friday. Until then though all plans are cancelled. 

I Heard a Voice. 

A Moment of Silence.

 On a humid overcast Friday afternoon I'm home alone, laptop off and radio playing. It has been thus all week. 

As I've continued to struggle for another week I finally spoke to a GP who signed me off for ten days. It was a relief to be honest. 

With luck I can return to work the week after next. That said my sleep remains sporadic, anxiety varying from overwhelming to managing and my mood remains fragile. 

Life without structure has its moments both good and bad. It has allowed me time to sleep, to walk, to eat and to shop. 

Returning to my car this afternoon having ordered my medication I was struck by a few moments of silence. The traffic died away, no one was in sight and for those moments I felt serene. 

With that I will leave you. I will get better. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Terror in the Morning.

You find me at home, away from work, away from people and reeling from yesterday. I suspected my return to work last week was premature but I didn't expect to be bitten so hard yesterday. Waking at 6 am I spent the next three hours terrified in my bed, strangled by fear and overwhelmed by the world. All because of a tiny insignificant thing that any number of friends can help me with.

By pure coincidence I was speaking to my consultant yesterday morning. He's not really witnessed the depth of my despair as mainly I have done well since he came on board. He quickly told me that I had reduced my medication too soon and advised me to increase the dose and take some time away.

Still full of fear and a desire to hide under the duvet I managed to contact my manager and let her know I wouldn't be in for a week. A huge setback for me, the fight that I display so often has deserted me and left me a sense of desolate failure.

Later in the day I tentatively let my world know I'm struggling and as ever they came for me, put their hands up in support and each said to contact them when I can. In truth I don't like talking to people when I'm not good.

A day on I slept better, my anxiety has abated somewhat and I am less tired. The emptiness hovers over me but I'm holding my own. The increased dose has helped and I've not completely been blown away thus far.

I did make it out to the Farm Shop at Tewinbury and bought some lovely ingredients. I'm determined to keep cooking. Last night I pan fried chicken strips in gram flour, cumin, oregano and pimenton on a bed of salad with pomegranate seeds and flatbread. Tonight there will be braised neck of lamb with black pepper and turmeric. If I stop cooking I know I'm in trouble.

But I am not at that point. Each day I will fight back a little harder, inch towards salvation and resurrection. One day I will right the ship.

Take care out there.

I Heard a Voice.