The Loneliness of Being

I slept poorly again, my mood is low, it's pouring with rain and I wish I was back in bed. Today is not good. 

Tired and hungry, not even the smell of roast beef has lightened my mood. 

Sometimes living alone feels hopeless. That terrible adage of depression is that I desperately want to be with people but I desperately want to be alone. 

My lovely friend Ruth did ring and Katie left a voice note but other than that no human contact today. My neighbour Leo is coming for lunch but that is making me anxious. 

What has brought this on remains a mystery. The fall out of yesterday's post? A natural shift in mood downwards? The culprit may never be known but today being me is no fun.

I feel in need of a break but nothing on the horizon until Christmas. And that seems a long way away today. Stop the world I want to get off.

The sun in my life will rise again. Today, tomorrow, who knows. Wish it would hurry up.

I Heard a Voice. 

The Dark Past.

You may be wondering where I have been the last few weeks. It's not that I didn't have anything to say but more how to say it.

The darkness came the Tuesday before last and things long buried and misunderstood came crashing out. It felt like the sky fell in.

A man at some point in the past settled in a French village. He was clever with words, was charismatic and had a penchant for bow ties. He used a local name. And back in the summer he disappeared. 

If a stranger comes into my community for no apparent reason my question is what is he running from. 

I know what that man was running from. And I know his real name.

My working life and my mental health life have exposed me to unimaginable darkness and danger at times. But I have very rarely met evil.

Stunned into silence by the news that the missing man had killed himself. My thoughts exploded and I didn't know what to do. Was he evil? I think he may well have been. One friend who is a priest had no qualms in stating he was glad of the death of another child abuser. 

I don't know what to think. But what I do know is that I must go on as me and not be tainted by badness and the manipulation of one so absorbed by his own need.

I Heard a Voice  

Another Week Done.

The chill of autumn has arrived. The sun is shining and the air still. I like this time of year. 

In my small world a very long working week is done. Tiring but it went well. 

Tuesday marked World Mental Health Day which is very important to me. The team did their bit and I spoke out. It also marked the 10th anniversary of the publication of Charon's Ferry my second book. 

My cold has finally lifted and I feel better. The weekend will be marked by good food. Last night there were Moroccan sardine balls with garlic, cumin and tomato sauce. Pan fried duck breast with a blackberry and cassis sauce is on offer tonight. And roast partridge tomorrow. 

Bought a good bottle of Toscana to go with it all.

Have a great weekend if you can in this troubled world. 

I Heard a Voice.

Late Summer, Early Autumn.

What a beautiful few days it has been. The warmth of summer in October autumn. You find me as I'm wont to be on a Sunday morning listening to opera and reading. 

Despite the lovely weather I have been under the weather since Friday. A seasonal cold that is doing the rounds. But I will be fine. 

Last week started off poorly. Sometimes I have to go to difficult meetings. But it got better. In the main part stemming from a call on Monday evening from my lovely friend Charlotte who has more or less been missing in action for nearly a year. Always lights up my day when we speak.

It was her birthday yesterday, would have been lovely to speak but it wasn't to be.

I make little comment on the current geopolitical situation our unstable world other than to mourn the losses all round. War is a terrible thing. 

Such events are beyond my control. In my little world I'm enjoying the solitude, looking forward to roast lamb for lunch and a glass of Rioja. 

Tonight I get to watch the Rams. 

Have a good week all.

I Heard a Voice.