Coffee and Carmen.

After weeks of grey, dark and wet light and sun have returned to my world. Always good to see the sun.

When I was last on here I was low and lonely. Today I'm tired but good. Mood behaving and little sign of the anxiety that haunts so much of my life.

On this Sunday morning I'm listening to Carmen with a cup of coffee. My usual Sunday that I've followed for years. The difference is I no longer buy a Sunday Times. No particular reason. 

We have mental health awareness week coming up and we are in demand with our schools. I'm actually doing so much better in my work now I'm able to do what I'm good at. People. I will never understand IT but I will always understand people. 

It's a long weekend here, May Day holiday tomorrow. And next week too to celebrate the King's Coronation. My mum was actually in the crowd when the Queen was crowned in 1953.

In my small world though things are less grand and regal. I will listen to my opera and then cooking slow roast shoulder of lamb. My neighbour Zoe is coming for dinner. 

I Heard a Voice. 

On Loneliness.

Ever get those days when it feels the world isn't listening, isn't thinking and isn't caring? I've lived alone for the best part of 20 years. Mainly it's good once one gets used to one's own company. I don't have to worry about other, I can come and go as I please, eat what like and generally not worrying. But today my world feels a lonely place.

I've been off all week but few have been in touch, few have answered my calls or post and I'm left wondering who is out there?

I have many friends but they are busy. Wrapped up in their ongoing lives. People don't contact me unless I precipitate it. It takes 48 hours of silence before people notice I'm struggling. I wonder if anyone will reach out today. 

Low mood and the associated apathy are horrible. Okay I have made a career out of it but on this lonely and grey day I don't care about career, platitudes and smiling. I just want my mood to lift.

I will of course emerge sooner or later but living in the here and now of today feels lonely and bleak.

Not sure what or where I'm going with this. Just a shout out to a silent world I suppose. 

I Heard a Voice. 

Music and Reading.

Greetings! The sun has finally arrived after a grey wet day. I'm at home having a glass of wine, listening to Radio 3 and reading.

Yes I have made it to mu Easter holidays. No work until the 17th.

Hard to describe the last two weeks. I experienced five days of mania followed by a 24 hour mental crash on Sunday. Iy all felt like I needed to hit the Risperidone brakes, didn't but then felt like I had. The devastating emptiness was horrendous. 

I did make it out of bed, I did force myself to work and I got a lot done.

Yesterday brought an all day course on Body Image in girls and young women. All very interesting but very vulnerable as the only man undertaking the course with fifteen woman. Not easy.

Today I got up late, did my Easter food shopping, took some jumpers for cleaning then had lunch at The Waggoners. Stunning meal of salt cured mackerel followed by grilled chicken. Best meal I've eaten there in a long time. 

Tomorrow I'm cooking for my friend Jo. Saturday I'm off to Borough Market. Then on Sunday I will host a big Easter lunch, English fizz, crab and apple salad followed by roast leg of lamb seasoned with salt, garlic and rosemary and served with home made mint sauce. 

Maybe post again but until then after a tumultuous year I'm in a good place. 

I Heard a Voice.