Slipping Backwards.

I guess it had to happen at some point. I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't get out of bed at what for me is a more sensible time. Turning over I slept another hour so was late getting started. Feeling on the back foot after yesterday's accident in the kitchen my anxiety is up and my mood is down. Not really depressed but after recent positive mood rating I suppose I had to slip back at some point. Let us hope it is only for a day.

Once again I've chosen Handel as my guide for the day. Some opera always goes down well. The paper is mainly read so I need to find something else to occupy my listless mind. Do I go for a drive in the country? Maybe after opera.

At some point I need to put the pork shoulder joint in to slow roast. But I can't summon up any energy to cook. All I managed at lunch time was to heat up a bowl of tinned soup. Not very adventurous is it?

Tomorrow I return to work. A full week lies ahead then a shorter one after that. There are only three weeks to go in this term. Finding it hard to motivate myself even for that short space of time. My diary lays unopened along with my e mail. That can wait.

If like me you are struggling with such thoughts and fears I wish you well. I usually come through such days. Just doesn't feel like it at the time.

I Heard a Voice.

Weekend of Broken Glass, Pungent Sauce and Clearing Up.

My plan for this weekend was simple, keep it simple. Having indulged both in London and at dad's a quiet time of domesticity and good cooking seemed appropriate. Tedious but need to keep up with these things. Yesterday went smoothly with much of the cleaning done and fine Chinese food, willow chicken with chilli and black beans. Today not quite according to plan.

Knocking over a new and unopened bottle of Worcester sauce set off a chain reaction. Said bottle hit an empty wine glass on the top. Both exploding showering the kitchen and me in glass and pungent dark sauce. Having spent a considerable time cleaning up after that the last thing I wanted to do was more cleaning. But I did and the bathroom is now clean. The smell of sauce lingers though, God knows when that will dissipate. But worse could have happened, I was not injured and can now go on with the afternoon.

Handel's Israel in Egypt is playing. Despite the gloom outside I feel comparatively upbeat. My mood is fine and I can look forward to lamb keftes with Aleppo pepper for supper.

In the main I have avoided mental health this week. I did touch on it a little with my friend Katie over lunch on Wednesday. We met working for CMHT and it was good to catch up. Sadly many we knew then are still so stuck in their illness wracked world of cheap coffee, unhealthy fried food and smoking roll ups. I have a lot to be thankful having got out of that world.

It could be argued that for the last few months I have been back in that world. True I have a consultant once again. A therapist who has put to shame some of those I met in a past life. And of course I take my medication. But today I am well.

I doubt I will make it away again this side of Christmas. That is excepting the carol service at Lancing on the 10th. There will be many there I know. Two former directors of my musical career retiring in the same year. Life marches on.

Enjoy the weekend out there. Soon the holiday will come and we will indulge. After that the battle that is the advent of 2019. When the sun emerges in spring we look for new life. Take care in the cold and darkness.

I Heard a Voice.

Under Leaden Skies, a Trip to the Seaside.

Under leaden grey skies I caught the train down to the coast. Wet and gloomy that adage I frequently pose to students that places seem wonderful when the sun is shining but on a wet Thursday in November it is much bleaker. It is only Tuesday but down here by the sea it is pretty bleak.

Finding me here on a Tuesday is unusual. But having had to work on Saturday I had a day and a half owing and four days left over from last year so a week off was a most enticing. Thus for a couple of days only I find myself back home with those I know so well.

It has been an interesting few days. On Friday despite my fear I attended the Old Lancing 1988 reunion drinks in town. Aside from getting horribly lost and rather unnerved recognising almost no one as I walked in it was a pretty good night. God we have aged! Although I seem to have got off more lightly than most.

Working on Saturday I did a pretty good job convincing people I knew all about dyslexia, autism and physical disability and carried it off with aplomb. In fact I know next to nothing. Yesterday I headed for Borough Market. Beautiful lunch in Brindisa followed by a moderately restrained but still expensive trip round the market. I dined on corn fed poussin with organic new potatoes and white Burgundy. I delivered cheese to my friends and then settled down to watch the Rams and Chief slug it out on Monday night. In a game for the ages the Rams emerged victorious and go marching on. Will watch the whole game when I get home.

The next couple of days mean catching up with friends and unwinding. It is good to have a break. Mood remains good, not too over the top and still avoiding pissing people off.

Enjoy the week if you can, don't work too hard and remember the holidays are nearby. My week will be one of leisure. See you at the weekend.

I Heard a Voice.

Rising Crescent in a Hazy Sky.

A shade after 4.30 this afternoon I stepped outside my office block to use my puffer for a few minutes. As the sun set in the west a hazy twilight sky revealed a rising crescent moon. Can we really be that close to winter that the moon is out at that time in the afternoon? I wondered at the beauty of nature for those brief few minutes.

The pace of action has reached frenetic now. Had everyone turned up today who I was expecting I would have seen eight students. Each day this week I've had to deal with emergency drop ins. And each day seeming brings another overdose. The world fears that word but for me it is an every day topic of conversations. Most days suicide is mentioned several times. Such is the nature of my work and life.

Yet still I sail serenely on. There have been glimpses of the fear but only fleetingly. I'm working hard but mainly triumphing. I could not have imagined that back in those tentative days when with great pessimism and terror I returned to work after such a long break.

By the end of this week we will have completed three quarters of the term. I'm off next week so the end is in sight. I'll take that.

Back in my flat Verdi is tonight's composer. His opera Oberto has accompanied a busier than normal Wednesday evening. I did the washing, cooked a ferociously hot Thai squid dry curry, tidied up and sorted things out until it was time get on with my book.

I'm nearing the end of Goodbye to Berlin. Whilst I admire it in parts it has been a little disappointing. Next I will go back to E M Forster with Howard's End next on my list. With luck next time it is opera night I will be ready to start that.

The audience for my musings seems rather erratic at the moment. Every other day or two there is an alleged surge of readers in Italy but I'm suspicious as it's always the same and no one says anything. My failures in cyberland do not really run to what might really be going on. So as my figures remain buoyant I hope it is not my delusion that people can and do want to read what I have to offer. Well at least I know my dad and the lovely Ros keep me going by humouring my ego. Until next time.

I Heard a Voice.

A Century on, a War to End All Wars?

Gold and russet hues glitter and shimmer in the autumn sunlight. What a glorious day! A couple of hours from now the sun will have sunk in the west and once again my country will be back in the darkness of coming winter.

Today we mark a century since the end of what some call the Great War, some World War I and others the War to End All Wars. I stood alone in my flat for the two minute silence at 11.00 am along with the rest of my country to remember the glorious dead. I watched the Cenotaph Service and the laying of wreaths. In these divided times former enemies are united and we remember what was.

Tragically it was not the War to End All Wars. Still we fight in an uncertain chaotic world. Nearly 30 years on from the end of the Cold War the great nations of the world are re-arming. For what? The dread of war and catastrophe that hung over my childhood seems to be returning. Can we learn from today? We must.

On a much smaller and less significant note I'm doing well. Awesome on Friday, more reticent yesterday and today the mood is elevated but not over the top. Given what a hard week it was I'm doing great. It was a week in which we creaked, we bent but we did not yield. Most of those we feared for are safe now. Well at least they were last Friday. Just one more to worry about.

Opera day has taken me from Mozart to Handel. The roast beef was sublime, roast potatoes on a par with my friend Jo's and the wine very good. The paper is read and I'm settled for a quiet afternoon.Tonight I get to see the Rams play again. No longer unbeaten they are still a team to be feared.

This coming week promises to be long as I have to work at an open day on Saturday. But then I'm off for a week and heading to the seaside to see dad. Before then though there is the little matter of 30th anniversary drinks with my cohort from Lancing. Dreading it in some way but experience has told me that what was then may no longer be now. We all grow up and in middle age I hope we have lost the foolish foibles of youth.

Enjoy your Sunday.

I Heard a Voice.

Destination Foodie!

Hello out there on this bonfire night. Remember remember the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason and plot. So says a saying in England that may or may not date back to 1605. If you are going to fireworks tonight wrap up warm and stay safe. I'm staying home.

This day marks two other events, the day I first stepped into a classroom in 1999 with my friend Rachel and taught for the first time. If I recall it wasn't a disaster but we weren't great. And according to Facebook this is the day in 2011 when I posted a glorious photo of my book launch. Sadly three people who were there are now dead. My mum. I saw her smile that day and realised I had made peace with her. My friend Sue who died o so young and full of life. And my friend Jackie who fought mental illness much of her life and succumbed to lung cancer after years smoking to help her deal with the monster that can be mental illness.

You find me this bonfire night at home, tired after a long and difficult day, smiling, not quite flying but thriving, listening to Mozart and sipping a glass of Medoc. More than halfway through term I'm doing great. So I awarded myself an extra opera night and decided to come on here and speak. Things are going well!

The weekend took me to see Miriam. On Saturday morning we went to Bury St Edmunds and had a lovely day out. And what a place for foodies, artisan shops, real butchers, a wonderful market and a buzzing vibe. I came home having consumed some fine cheese and splashed out on fine pates and some quince jelly.

So as to keep the food thing going I indulged in a rare ribeye, chips, minted petit pois, griddled tomatoes, watercress and mustard with the aforementioned Medoc. What a wonderful way to spend a Monday night.

With that I leave you. Maybe see you again at the weekend.

I Heard a Voice.